Not sure how to approach this

notanewuser

whitewing wrote: »

I do too, but all these children are very,very young, and all the relationships are based around the 4 brothers so gift getting is probably not going to be quite the same.

I think maybe in September you could ask your husband to clarify what the family policy on gift giving for all the children is going to be. I would leave it until then though, because your daughter is young enough this moment not to know/remember. It hurts to be a parent sometimes!

You're not kidding!

notanewuser

coolcait wrote: »

I've added some more to my original post, as I hit return too early.

Yes, there is a llama in the sitting roon. You brought it in. Live with it.

In what way did I bring it in?

Bravehearted_2

Did it occur to you that not everyone feels obliged to give presents? Which rule or law says people must receive a gift when they give? I and many people I know give without expecting.

The fact that you're lying awake fuming over this is baffling and suggests that you give gifts expecting it to be reciprocated.

You can feel angry about it if you want, but they certainly don't have to feel like they've done anything wrong.

notanewuser

Bravehearted wrote: »

Did it occur to you that not everyone feels obliged to give presents? Which rule or law says people must receive a gift when they give? I and many people I know give without expecting.

The fact that you're lying awake fuming over this is baffling and suggests that you give gifts expecting it to be reciprocated.

You can feel angry about it if you want, but they certainly don't have to feel like they've done anything wrong.

I'm not angry or fuming, I'm upset for my little girl who is treated differently (and very openly) to her cousins for reasons I don't understand. Who buys a gift for one niece and not the other?

Savvy_Sue

Every now and again one of my siblings bends my ear because they don't feel that other siblings make enough 'effort', whether it's with birthday and Christmas cards and presents, or committing to / turning up to family get-togethers.

Me, I've decided I'll do what I feel is right, even if others don't reciprocate. So all my siblings get birthday cards, and all my siblings' children get presents for both Christmas and birthdays. Even if the present is going to be late, they get a birthday card on or near the day.

Every now and again the sibling who bends my ear admits they are not as good as me at sending cards / presents. I do not remind them of this when they're bending my ear about the other matter.

Why am I saying all this? Well, I could let it eat me up because my children have missed out on cards and presents for several years, and I could stop giving. But I choose not to: I remember that I valued receiving presents from my aunt and uncle, and I hope that my nephews and nieces will too.

If you must raise the subject, would it be better if DH did so? Or a comment about "I did like the x you gave 'other niece'" and see if that has any effect.

But clearly their behaviour is different to yours: you are helping out at their house, they did not help out at yours. Maybe their present buying strategies are different too. Maybe they spend more on your DD's birthday present and think of it as covering Christmas as well. But is it worth making a 'thing' of it?

Savvy_Sue

notanewuser wrote: »

I go to great lengths to ensure both nieces receive gifts of equal value. Doesn't everybody?

Actually, no ... I go to some lengths to ensure those who are going to see each other APPEAR to be receiving gifts of roughly equal value, so this year I was busy re-distributing presents before wrapping them: I'd bought several 'present components' for three children, including 3 identical 'bits'. Two have birthdays just before Christmas, so I needed 5 presents in total. I have no idea how much ended up being spent on each one, but I hope they looked comparable.

Their presents bore little resemblance to what I bought for / spent on the other sets of children I bought for. They weren't going to open their presents together, and I don't expect them to eye things up and work out whether or not they were hard done by if they do get together in the future.

notanewuser

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Actually, no ... I go to some lengths to ensure those who are going to see each other APPEAR to be receiving gifts of roughly equal value, so this year I was busy re-distributing presents before wrapping them: I'd bought several 'present components' for three children, including 3 identical 'bits'. Two have birthdays just before Christmas, so I needed 5 presents in total. I have no idea how much ended up being spent on each one, but I hope they looked comparable.

Their presents bore little resemblance to what I bought for / spent on the other sets of children I bought for. They weren't going to open their presents together, and I don't expect them to eye things up and work out whether or not they were hard done by if they do get together in the future.

My nieces are 15 and 19 months, and did open their gifts from us together on Xmas day at the grandparents' house. Hence making sure they were of equal value/usefulness. While neither party has said thank you, giving 1 a gift and the other nothing would have blown up into a massive argument across the family. DH's parents gave them all identical gifts so as to be completely fair, as they did the previous year too. So there is a precedent, of sorts.

SIL2 asked for the same gift for niece 2's birthday as we'd given niece 1 so again, that seems to be 'normal' in the family.

DD's friends, on the other hand, all got different gifts with slightly differing monetary value - but things each child would enjoy.

notanewuser

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

But clearly their behaviour is different to yours: you are helping out at their house, they did not help out at yours. Maybe their present buying strategies are different too. Maybe they spend more on your DD's birthday present and think of it as covering Christmas as well. But is it worth making a 'thing' of it?

Definitely not - her birthday present was a regift of something their DD was given for her 1st birthday (and was deemed to young for her. amazingly it was too young for DD's 2nd birthday too. I think their new addition may be receiving that one shortly!!)

Sambucus_Nigra

coolcait wrote: »

Yes, there is a llama in the sitting roon. You brought it in. Live with it.

You'd be ok with all the other kids getting presents but not yours?

I doubt it very much.

What parent would?

OP - your OH needs to address this once you are back home. I can't see how they could have a present opening ceremony with their kids opening presents but them not giving anything to your DD. I even take spares when I visit people in case stray random kids are there so that they don't feel left out - goodness knows I could never ever do that to one of my nieces/friend's kids.

irishjohn

The tragedy is that kids get so much at Christmas most of it is not appreciated fully and little used. Add to this the parents feeling frazzled with all the work needed to make Christmas "fabulous" and their inherent laziness and perhaps your family get overlooked because you are not part of the rest of the family getting together on the actual day.

There is much to be said for giving presents without expecting in return but I am sure your daughter notices you giving and her not getting and I bet thats what hurts you most.

Rather than ask if they prefer not to exchange presents - ask yourself do you want to continue giving presents and if the answer is yes then do so - but be prepared not to get gifts back. But also - change your attitude to gifts - lower the value of the gifts and choose a general gift - for example - a suitably aged book for each recipient - and buy carefully too - look out for the discount places and buy there instead of in the higher priced retail places, unless of course you feel you want to continue paying out a lot for the gifts - and I am sure the money would be better spent on your own daughter.

As far as the clothes for the new baby are concerned - be happy you have passed them on - better they go to family and know they are used.