Not sure how to approach this

thunderbird

Firstly, unless you point it out to her, your daughter will be oblivious as to who she has and hasn't received presents from - so I wouldn't worry about that.


The problems seem to be
1. They don't say thank you for the presents you give them. This is just plain bad manners, but I think you just have to accept that is the way they are.
2. The don't give presents to your daughter, but do give to other niece. This seems a bit weird. Given the comments on them being lovely and adoring her, I would guess it is just lack of tact/thoughtlessness rather than anything more sinister. Maybe they weren't planning on buying anything but then saw something for this other niece and decided to get it, not thinking that it could appear rather disresectful to you/your daughter?
The only way to find out and set your mind at rest is to ask them - or probably better get your husband to ask his brother. Alternatively speak to your other SIL (whose daughter got a present) and ask her if she has any idea why your daughter doesn't get a present.

I wouldn't mention next Xmas yet - far too early to be thinking about that! But as another poster said, bring it up around Sept time.

Pitlanepiglet

:eek: when I read threads like this I often wonder how many of my friends and family I regularly offend by being genuinely rubbish about buying and delivery birthday and Christmas cards and presents.

In fact you've prompted me to text my friend who's little boy has a Christmas birthday and I haven't given him anything for either Christmas or Birthday as yet! I've confessed to being rubbish she responded, that she thought it was just her that was rubbish at these things!

Many of us are badly organised, busy, forgetful, not that bothered about the equality of giving, not that bothered about receiving something back (often because I've forgotten that I even gave anything!).

A good lesson for your daughter OP is that sometimes people are thoughtless and generally a bit crap. It doesn't mean that they don't love them, they just don't do things the same what that you obviously super organised people do!

My sister's kids learnt very early on that Grampa was a bit crap - they live away and he only ever sent anything for their birthday's if I put it in front of him and as I wasn't living near him (and am equally rubbish) then that didn't always happen.

I was mortified as I thought it was awful for them - until my very wise sister pointed out that life is full of people like Grampa and life is full of disappointments - they know Grampa loves them dearly and when they are with them he spoils them rotten but there's a bit of "out of sight out of mind" with him. They are beautifully balanced adults now who can deal with the knocks that life gives them .

Try not to take it all as a personal slight, letting it keep you awake at night is a real waste of emotionally energy.

notanewuser

Thanks for the replies. Had an awful night's sleep and still very upset. Don't understand it at all. I know it doesn't really matter this year and last - DD doesn't know any different - but she will in future years.

We actually have agreements with lots of my side of the family that they don't buy DD physical presents - they take her out for icecream or for a day out somewhere when they see her. So she doesn't end up with very much at Xmas really. It wouldn't be an issue if I knew why she is forgotten when my other niece is remembered. There's definitely not a time or a money issue - husband received a card and token present for his birthday on Thursday, and it didn't take me more than 5 minutes extra to buy a gift for my 2 nieces than it would have for 1. SIL was with MIL when she bought one of DD's presents too!

I'm hurt that having saved them so much for their baby, they don't do anything for ours. They literally only needed a pram and a cot. We gave car seat (took DD out of it early so they could have it) and 2 expensive bases, Moses basket, 15 months worth of clothes (which will do them for both their babies but probably be unusable by us should we decide to have another), bouncy chair, toys, breast pump, nursing pillow...........

I shouldn't let it get to me, but with my beautiful, lovely daughter snuggled next to me all night it's hard not to let it hurt.

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

I shouldn't let it get to me, but with my beautiful, lovely daughter snuggled next to me all night it's hard not to let it hurt.

As it does get to you, you have to do something about it or you're going to get more upset each year.

As it's his family, your OH really needs to tackle it. If he won't, then in the run-up to next Christmas contact the relatives and do the "Can we agree about presents this year? Are we buying for all the children/adults?"

mrcow

The solution is simple.

Your husband needs to agree with them that you're not going to do birthddays or Christmas presents going forward. You don't need to say or do anything or even get involved.

And stop giving them all your baby stuff if it's making you feel resentful.

They obviously don't see themselves as closely knit to you as they do to each other. It's probably a distance/relationship thing. I certainly wouldn't get upset about it - it's not even your family.

Make a decision to take the higher ground in the situation, stop getting yourself worked up and move on and worry about more important things. You'll feel a lot better for it.

notanewuser

Have mentioned it to DH this morning, who hadn't realised and thought it was very odd. Will see what that seed grows into.

mrbrightside842

We have a similar issue, we just stopped buying for the ones who didn't buy for ours but still buy for the others. Doesn't bother me, saves me money really!

thunderbird

notanewuser wrote: »

Have mentioned it to DH this morning, who hadn't realised and thought it was very odd. Will see what that seed grows into.

If he hasn't realised then it obviously didn't bother him. In which case I wouldn't expect him to do anything about it.
If you want him to discuss it with them/his brother just ask him!

amus

Do they usually buy gifts for xmas for your dd?

I would be upset in your position too op but is it posssible your dd gift has got mixed up and unknowingly been opened by another child?

Bella73

OP I think as someone else said you DH needs to sort this out and speak to his brother, I would speak to my brothers if it were the same thing.

It's one thing buying nothing for any of the children but another to exclude one child and for people saying it's a good lesson for the child to learn do not give to receive what rubbish, the little child is only 2 for goodness sake...I appreciate some children are bright but please people be a bit realistic, you honestly wouldn't be at all put out with this situation, I know I would (I don't have children!) but can undestand why OP is upset.

I don't buy the "I'm not organised" either, it's pure laziness where a child is concerned, at a push I can understand people forgetting birthdays as obviously they are on different dates but Christmas, I mean really?? It does happen the same date EVERY year and lets be honest you can quite nice cheap gifts for a 2 year old.

Hope you get it all sorted