fallen out with a friend

an9i77

victory wrote: »

So long as you are happy with the new version of the friendship and can adjust it accordingly then it's all good:D

It appears she is now sort of organising my birthday night out so I'll go along with it, but massively lower my expectations of her thereafter. It would be hard to cut the cord completely as we have mutual friends, I don't want to fall out with them all! I think maybe she has contacted me because she wanted to move things on a little - I was suprised to hear from her. I'll be as civil as I can with her - polite, friendly - but I won't be calling her or filling her in on the sagas in my life any more. Who knows, one day she may wake up and realise and wonder why.

victory

an9i77 wrote: »

It appears she is now sort of organising my birthday night out so I'll go along with it, but massively lower my expectations of her thereafter. It would be hard to cut the cord completely as we have mutual friends, I don't want to fall out with them all! I think maybe she has contacted me because she wanted to move things on a little - I was suprised to hear from her. I'll be as civil as I can with her - polite, friendly - but I won't be calling her or filling her in on the sagas in my life any more. Who knows, one day she may wake up and realise and wonder why.

It is difficult maybe that's her way of apologising?

an9i77

victory wrote: »

It is difficult maybe that's her way of apologising?

Possibly, I think its certainly her way of saying 'lets move on'. But she has still declined my invitation of dinner which I see as a bit of a snub! In my last email to her I said I would leave the ball in her court (regards dinner) as I was not willing to humiliate myself further by asking her again, and she hasn't come back to me on that, maybe it's just too much hassle to do dinner now after all this fuss.

I will move on, but I won't see her as the good friend I once thought she was after this, I will seriously lower my expectations of her. She is one of those people who is very popular and her self esteem is almost too high - in that she expects other people to run after her to a certain extent. I think I am better bonding with people a bit more like me who have a bit of humility and sensitivity to these kind of things.

JanCee

an9i77 wrote: »

It appears she is now sort of organising my birthday night out so I'll go along with it, but massively lower my expectations of her thereafter. It would be hard to cut the cord completely as we have mutual friends, I don't want to fall out with them all! I think maybe she has contacted me because she wanted to move things on a little - I was suprised to hear from her. I'll be as civil as I can with her - polite, friendly - but I won't be calling her or filling her in on the sagas in my life any more. Who knows, one day she may wake up and realise and wonder why.

Look at it this way, your friendship is on a much more equal footing now. Before, you were making all the running and she was deciding whether to meet up with you or not depending on how busy she was. Now, she is organising your birthday night out. You don't need to be cool with her, you just need to be friends as equals, it will be much more satisfying for you that way.

an9i77

An update. Well I haven't really spoken to my 'friend' since the email exchange referred to in the original post which was around seven weeks ago and reckon I am better off without her.

After trying to get involved in what was happening on my birthday night out, she then went off the radar due to the death of a family member. She didn't tell me herself that there had been a death in the family and therefore she wasn't coming out, the other friend who was visiting told me everything. As she was dealing with a bereavement, fair enough I didn't expect her to be thinking of my party but I think it says a lot for the state of the friendship that she did not even tell me what was happening in her life, and obviously turned to other friends for comfort.

Anyway I put a sympathy card through her door and she sent me a very brief text to acknowledge this and say happy birthday, and that has been the end of any communication.

Having had some time to reflect on things, I can see now that this was far from a true friendship. It's a shame, but sometimes you just have to let people go and this is one of those times. Sadly, my 'friend' just isn't really bothered by maintaining any sort of frienship with me, look how easily she just let me go and not a word from her in weeks. I realise now that for many years I have been propping up the friendship, which was always on her terms, but I also realise that a one sided friendship is just not worth it, I am better off without.

The fact that I don't even know if she's deliberately ignoring me or just forgetting me as she usually does tells me that this is not a friendship to continue! Still hurts but I feel like I have at least got some dignity back in refusing this sort of treatment from her now.

victory

You deserve better, you know now, friendships have to be a two way thing:D

thatgirlsam

This will probably be a bit unpopular but I feel a bit sorry for your mate!

She was too busy in January to have dinner with you. It's not all about you, people have busy lives. (maybe she doesn't like your cooking and doesn't know how to tell you!) You get the hump

She tried to organise your birthday do. A relative died. You get the hump that she didn't tell you? It's not about you. Her relative died! She thanked you for sending a card.

She was there for you in times of need. Just because she hasn't spoken to you for a few weeks really doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be friends. Someone in her family has died. She is grieving.

Jeez!

an9i77

thatgirlsam wrote: »

This will probably be a bit unpopular but I feel a bit sorry for your mate!

She was too busy in January to have dinner with you. It's not all about you, people have busy lives. (maybe she doesn't like your cooking and doesn't know how to tell you!) You get the hump

She tried to organise your birthday do. A relative died. You get the hump that she didn't tell you? It's not about you. Her relative died! She thanked you for sending a card.

She was there for you in times of need. Just because she hasn't spoken to you for a few weeks really doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be friends. Someone in her family has died. She is grieving.

Jeez!

I know it is not all about me, but she's not grieving that hard, she was out with my other mates last weekend. This is not just about the past seven weeks but the past 15 years - do you think if everything had been fine and dandy before this I would be making such a fuss?

Anyway thank you for your opinion, even though I may not agree with it I appreciate you posting your views and giving a different perspective.

marisco_2

an9i77 wrote: »

However, my friend is very busy and never seems to find the time to fit me into her life, she does have a very busy job and lots of other friends, but always seems to find time for others.

It sounds to me as if your friend has a very busy life and stretches herself thin. What may seem as her always finding time for others, probably means that in reality she sees each of those individuals no more often than she sees you. Some of that socialising may be to do with her job or that of her husbands.

She catches up with you when she can. I have a whole mix of friends. Some I see regularly, others I see rarely due to both our busy lives and where we are located in relation to each other. My very best friends are not the ones I see all the time or even speak to all that often. They are the ones who I catch up with when I can. We have that strong a bond that time and distance makes no difference to us and we just pick up again from where we left things.

I can understand you feeling disappointed that your friend didn't take up your offer of coming over for dinner. I doubt she turned the offer down without considering you or your feelings. She gave you a reasonable explanation of not being able to commit to anything. Maybe things are going on for her at the moment that she doesn't feel she wants to go into right now. Perhaps there could be things she is dealing with that make it difficult to commit to a dinner date. I am sorry to say it but if this is the case and you have pushed a bit for an answer and then sent that email I am not surprised she feels upset.

I hope things can be resolved between you both. A long standing friendship that is clearly special to you would be a shame to lose.

thatgirlsam

an9i77 wrote: »

I know it is not all about me, but she's not grieving that hard, she was out with my other mates last weekend. This is not just about the past seven weeks but the past 15 years - do you think if everything had been fine and dandy before this I would be making such a fuss?

Anyway thank you for your opinion, even though I may not agree with it I appreciate you posting your views and giving a different perspective.

This person has been there for you when you needed her.

She also tried to arrange your birthday do - would you do that for someone you were not that bothered about? I wouldn't.

Proper grown up friends don't have to live in each others pockets 24/7

I appreciate that you are hurt over this, but are you sure you're not over-reacting! As far as I can make out from what you have said, she has been quite a good friend to you! None of us are perfect and we all mess up. To be honest I think she might be feeling a bit hurt aswell from what has gone on