fallen out with a friend

Mrs.W_2

OP, as others have suggested, your friend might well consider herself to have moved on and away from your once close friendship.

Thought, it has to be said, her methods - manipulating your reaction to her glib treatment of your invitation, then laying on the drama - are those of someone who hasn't the courage to give you an outright 'no'.

Why not respect her cowardice and leave her to her own devices? At the very least, you'll be happier without her 'brush-offs' and drama.

ognum

None of us are truly aware of what your 'friend' is going through at the moment. She may well have life issues that are getting in the way of her making plans that she doesn't want to discuss with the OP. On the other hand she may not.

OP I think you need to step back and reflect on how you have dealt with this, your needs do not out way the needs of others, she gave clear hints of not wanting to do this but you pressed on.

I would simply text or email and say sorry for the misunderstanding, I am sure we will catch up sometime.

January20

an9i77 wrote: »

If she was really not bothered about me as a friend, then I don't get why she's so upset about the whole thing, does it sound a bit strange??

It's not because she cares about you as a friend, it's because if she accuses you of upsetting her, she can then deflect the blame from her, remain innocent and pretend she has done nothing wrong at all! It's very manipulative and it's obviously working as you are doubting yourself now. Then if there is any awkwardness when you meet up in future through friends, she can blame you for it! Very clever!

an9i77

Thanks for everyone's responses, you have certainly given me a lot of food for thought.
I think it is true that in the past I have leaned on my friend when I've had troubles - whilst this was appreciated at the time, I can see now that maybe it has lead to things becoming very one sided with a dependency on my side that is neither reciprocated nor appreciated.
I don't think it's as simple as saying my friend does not want to be friends any more. I think she likes to keep me at arm's length - that is what is comfortable for her, there are other people she is closer to where it's probably not so one sided, so they probably come first when she's deciding who to spend time with.

Truth be told, I have been clingy in the past (not so much any more ie with new friends) and that's probably what's set up the dynamic which now persists.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't really be friends with her whilst I feel this resentment, but as we will still see each other every few months as we have a lot of mutual friends we will need to find a way forward.

Its my birthday in about a month and a big group of us always go out fo a meal - i will probably put her and her husband on the group email and act as if nothing has happened - to not invite them would be a definite snub and look that way to our other friends. If they come along to the meal, great we can probably establish a more neutral friendship. If they don't come, then I'll know to pretty much write things off.

Meanwhile I'm just going to lie low. I'm not going to get back in touch with her as she specifically asked in the last email to leave things whilst she cooled off.

But I'm glad in a sense all this has happened because it's made me realise how much unhealthy festering resentment I was holding (maybe I have no right to be resentful but I still felt it) and now I can move on, at best she will be a casual fairweather friend I see occasionally and at worst she will not be a friend at all, but that's better than pretending she is closer to me than she is and getting disappointed.

victory

Is she your oldest friend in years of knowing her? I ask because one can see a friendship through ros! coloured glasses as we remember all the care free fun days we shared but people grow, friendships change.
You admit you became clingy do you do that with all your friends or just her? It can be wearing for the recipient they think of you as demanding and clingy rather than fun and happy times so end up avoiding and seeking out brighter happier both sided friendships.
It is devastating and from your part cruel and heartless sometimes people get too busy, too selfish, too day to day to realise the hurt or harm they are causing.
A letter from the heart so there is nothing left unsaid is both therapeutic and could be helpful to solve the why is she being like this? It stops all the unanswered questions that can drive you crazy.

an9i77

Hi Victory, yes she is my oldest friend. I have leaned on her in the past with personal problems, for example in the summer I got a serious illness which was very scary and more recently I had some trouble at work which I turned to her for support (in a what do you think I should do kind of way) as I thought I may get the sack. Its probably true what you say that she seeks out brighter, happier people.
I have changed a lot in the past few years I used to be quite a troubled soul whereas now I'm a lot more balanced and happy. So with newer friends I try not to lean on them too much but I guess with older friends the habit is already there.

I will give the letter idea some thought, not sure whether that would make things easier or worse. ideally I guess we'd meet up for a coffee and chat it through, but I'll be darned if I'm the one to initiate this as I just can't take the humiliation of another brush off.

Tropez

January20 wrote: »

It's not because she cares about you as a friend, it's because if she accuses you of upsetting her, she can then deflect the blame from her, remain innocent and pretend she has done nothing wrong at all! It's very manipulative and it's obviously working as you are doubting yourself now. Then if there is any awkwardness when you meet up in future through friends, she can blame you for it! Very clever!

I'm not sure there's much to suggest the friend has actually done anything wrong at all in this scenario.

She was asked to do something but she said she was busy and couldn't commit to a date just yet but rather than simply let it drop and leave the ball in the friend's court, the OP pushed her to "pencil in" a date anyway because in the OP's view one of these plans was "vague". When the friend was not receptive to this, the OP sent a stroppy message which the friend regarded as rude, and I think quite a few people receiving that message would have too.

Because I do the vast majority of my work from home, I've had friends in the past believe that I am available as and when they want, when the reality is that there are times when I am extremely busy and when I do have free time I don't necessarily always want to spend it with friends; sometimes I just want a quiet time to myself because I'm tired. I've experienced friends getting stroppy when I've told them I'm not available because I'm overloaded with work or simply just too tired. I'm also not the type to commit to a date more than a couple of days in advance.

It's nothing to do with the state of the friendship from my end, but certainly when people start getting whiney because I haven't the time or energy to see them, I do start to question that friendship.

gibson123

She sounds like my sister, she is extremely busy and has lots going on in her life, and can't find time to commit to much of anything. She gets quite upset about being organised! At the moment I am doing all the running /arranging, but she would be upset if she thought I was taking it personally!! Good friends who are there for you are few and far between, keep asking her along to things and let her know you are there if she needs you, but do not be clingy, is it all too difficult, are you high maintenance, are you taking into consideration her needs, she may just need some space or perhaps you are no fun any more?

[Deleted User]

I, like many others had a friend like this, although not known for as many years as you have your friend. I wrote a thread on what happened to me called Being Let Down At The Last Moment. My friend did message me back, not by txt by other means. She basically said she was sorry I hadnt been in contact with her since what happened and seemed to expect me to again contact her. I politely said i how i felt and not to worry as ide made other plans as she couldnt again make it. She then said she didnt cancel anything that night and i reminded her of the whole situation at that time. She didnt apologise but just turned it all on me and said i was being humpy about her cancelling and that i had cancelled on her before. It was all getting a bit petty so i just said hope you have a great new year and then left it. Saying i was humpy and twisting it showed me the person she was as in reality she was probably humpy i went out with other friends and instead of me making contact after the incident, as i used to (i left the ball in her court to contact me this time which resulted in her petty replies.) i didnt react in the way she thought i would and i wont be in contact with her anymore.

an9i77

Thanks. Just to reiterate, I'm not looking for an assessment of who's right or wrong (just how best to deal with things) and fully understand that from some perspectives I could be seen as in the wrong. With regards pushing my friend by asking her to pencil in a date - I'm not usually this pushy and can only presume that I did this because I knew (or strongly suspected) that she'd lame out of it yet again as she has let me down so many times in the past. Interestingly I just arranged dinner with some other friends ,and the ease and lack of drama was staggering! They couldn't make the date we originally suggested, so came back and said they were free the following weekend, gave me an alternative alternative date in case that one was no good -this is the normal way to arrange dinner with people who really want to be there.

No one has yet commented on my strategy of leaving things until my birthday meal and then including her on the group invite. She usually comes out for my birthday, with her husband, so it would be weird not to invite her.

I'm perfectly willing for her to come along, and for us to be friends of sorts, but I think i just need to downgrade this friendship in my head to reflect what it is in reality, as it has changed over the years but its only things like this that mean I can admit that.