fallen out with a friend

Sooki

I still think you need to leave the door ajar a bit to allow a humble return, you've called her bluff and she probably will feel awkward / in a predicament about coming to your birthday meal.

How about texting her in a few days - say I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, but I'd still love you to come to my birthday meal on xyz date, it would be really lovely to see you.

Something simple along those lines would hopefully let her know your not going to hold a grudge.

Blackpool_Saver

January20 wrote: »

It's not because she cares about you as a friend, it's because if she accuses you of upsetting her, she can then deflect the blame from her, remain innocent and pretend she has done nothing wrong at all! It's very manipulative and it's obviously working as you are doubting yourself now. Then if there is any awkwardness when you meet up in future through friends, she can blame you for it! Very clever!

exactly, I have people around me who do this now, the thing is I told them, you should do the same

Stephb1986_2

If I was you I'd delete her number and find new friends.

The middle of last year I had a bust up with a so called friend that I've known since nursery. She only ever contacted me when she wanted something in the end I told her what she is like as a friend. She put her other friends before me etc we've not spoke since, it had happened many times where she used me and then didn't speak to me for months on end and I had had enough. I'm better off without her I've got loads more interests.

Steph xx

an9i77

An update if anyone is interested. I said I was going to lie low and then include my friend on a group email list for my birthday in a few weeks. Well she got there first! Texted me today to say so and so (old friend we both know) is in town on your birthday we were thinking of doing something, do you fancy going out to such and such a place. No mention of the meal, emails or anything!

So I replied saying yes that would be lovely looking forward to it, and will just go along with it all. Its a real 'don't mention the war' situation! Shame, as I really would have liked to have a chat about everything and how I am feeling and get some resolution, but she clearly doesn't want to and if she doesn't want to discuss it then neither do I.

I've learned my lesson now though, her friendship is all on her terms and I certainly don't feel able to invite her to dinner or anywhere else for that matter, which makes her a strange kind of friend in my book. I will stay friends of sorts but not consider her a true friend any longer, and try and put my energies towards other people where the friendship is more mutual.

victory

an9i77 wrote: »

An update if anyone is interested. I said I was going to lie low and then include my friend on a group email list for my birthday in a few weeks. Well she got there first! Texted me today to say so and so (old friend we both know) is in town on your birthday we were thinking of doing something, do you fancy going out to such and such a place. No mention of the meal, emails or anything!

So I replied saying yes that would be lovely looking forward to it, and will just go along with it all. Its a real 'don't mention the war' situation! Shame, as I really would have liked to have a chat about everything and how I am feeling and get some resolution, but she clearly doesn't want to and if she doesn't want to discuss it then neither do I.

I've learned my lesson now though, her friendship is all on her terms and I certainly don't feel able to invite her to dinner or anywhere else for that matter, which makes her a strange kind of friend in my book. I will stay friends of sorts but not consider her a true friend any longer, and try and put my energies towards other people where the friendship is more mutual.

You never really got the answers you wanted so now feel you have to keep her at arms length, if you could have sat and chatted about it it would have either strengthened or loosened your friendship but either way you would have been more the wiser

an9i77

victory wrote: »

You never really got the answers you wanted so now feel you have to keep her at arms length, if you could have sat and chatted about it it would have either strengthened or loosened your friendship but either way you would have been more the wiser

I think arms length is the way to go. She keeps me at arms length. My not keeping her at arms length when she was only keeping me at arms length was what was making it all very one sided and causing me to be unhappy.

motherofstudents

Thanks for the update. I would just play it by ear and let her do the inviting in future. Hope you enjoy your birthday.

Purleygirl

Sorry but your friend does sound selfish, a good friend would be mortified if she thought she'd upset you instead of turning it around to blame you. It's best to patch it up, even though you are unlikely to be good mates again. A simple text/email, sorry you were upset with me, no bad feelings, take care. That covers a lot and puts you on the high moral ground. If she thinks the friendship is worth saving, she'll get back to you. It hurts I know, particularly if you're the one who does all the running. I've had friendships like that in the past and when I stopped chasing, nothing happened! If she has time for other people and not you, then she's welcome to them, concentrate on those who are worthy of your friendship. I fell out with a friend last year and it's a bit embarrassing if we bump into eachother, she tends to stick her nose up and pretends she hasn't seen me, but it truly doesn't bother me now, I just think well, your loss and makes me value my true friends more. Try and look at it objectively, you did all the running, arranging, phoning and nurturing of the friendship and she just isn't prepared to give it back. Move on and don't give her any more headspace. She sounds more anguish than it's worth. Take care.

Purleygirl

oh just saw your latest post, well, you have your answer, yes it is indeed on her terms and you're right to say you've learned from it. She's not a friend, she's someone you hang out with occasionally.

victory

an9i77 wrote: »

I think arms length is the way to go. She keeps me at arms length. My not keeping her at arms length when she was only keeping me at arms length was what was making it all very one sided and causing me to be unhappy.

So long as you are happy with the new version of the friendship and can adjust it accordingly then it's all good:D