fallen out with a friend

an9i77

I have been friends with someone for around 15 years. We've had some good times over the years. However, my friend is very busy and never seems to find the time to fit me into her life, she does have a very busy job and lots of other friends, but always seems to find time for others.

We see each other reasonably often (maybe every 1-2 months) usually through mutual friends, its quite rare that she will ring me up and invite me to something (actually, it's pretty much unheard of). When we do see each other however, we get on really well. She's also been there for me in the past when I've had problems such as a serious illness.

I have tried to invite her out to things in the past but she usually is busy doing other stuff so I've kind of given up now.

Anyway, I thought new year - new effort and decided to invite her and her husband to dinner, thinking January is a quiet month. I asked her to let me know when she was free. She came back and said she couldn't commit to a date because this may be happening or that may be happening - one of these things is a very vague plan that may not even happen at all. I suggested we pencil something in and can cancel it if needs be but she did not respond.

Anyway I did get a little frustrated and replied saying' should I even bother to organise this'

Now she has had a massive go on me on email saying i've upset her, I'm rude etc.

Needless to say the dinner plans have been shelved!

Do you think this friendship is worth maintaining? It just really frustrates me that she never has time for me in her life - I thought we were good friends but I always feel really low down on the list of priorities, almost an afterthought sometimes, and it's getting me down.

I kind of feel good that this latest exchange has got things out in the open after festering away for so long.

But am I being unreasonable in my expectations here? I feel like I will always want more from the friendship than she can give me, so is it better to walk away

Or am I just being stubborn and should appreciate it for what it is?

Tiglath

No - I think she's moved on (people and their circumstances do change over time) but can't bring herself to tell you straight. If you're content to have her as an acquaintance, then fine - if not, just don't contact her again.

Lilith1980

I guess, if I was in your shoes, I would leave things be and hand the initiative over to my friend to contact ME. And if she didn't then it would only serve to prove the point that she wasn't really interested in maintaining the friendship.

I think people can have long-term friendships but people change over time, priorities change, the people we hang out with can change as well. Maybe your friend has moved on to another phase in her life?

You seem to be the one doing all the chasing/arranging, which isn't fair. Do you have other friends who make more of an effort and who you could concentrate on?

Sooki

I'd give up, however much it hurts, sometimes things are just not reciprocated.

However, dont let it fester. I would try and rectify the "misunderstanding" as it sounds like you are going to bump into her again.

I'd text her and say sorry for the misunderstanding maybe we can sort something out another time, let me know when your free.
It will never happen but you should help get you back on some kind of pleasant terms - you never know you might even get an apology back.

Own_My_Own

Walk away.
It may sound a ruthless way to live, but when things like this happen I ask myself-
What positive things do they bring to my life ?
Can I life without it ?

Answers are normally
Not a lot.
Yes.

She isn't impacting on your life in a positive way, and I am sure you can and will live a full and happy life without her in it.

an9i77

Thanks for everyone's replies. It's a strange one, as we used to be very close, but I think it has limped along for a while now. A couple of years ago this issue raised its head, and I ended up broaching it and my friend got very upset, saying how could I think she was a bad friend etc and basically turning it round so that I felt in the wrong for saying how I felt. Now this time she has done similar, getting angry with me so the focus isn't on my issue with her any more but how she is feeling and how mean I am. Great smokescreen detraction technique.

She's not the kind of person I can just walk away from, as I will still see her through our mutual friends, but I suppose I can begin to mentally walk away from it if not physically.

One things for sure I don't think I will be asking her to dinner, or anywhere else, again - its just too humiliating to constantly have the door slammed in your face.

Yorkie1

I'd agree with what's been said here - send her a brief text as per Sooki's post, and then the ball has been left in her court. You can't be accused of walking away if / when you bump into her in future.

minnie123

I would text saying sorry for the misunderstanding and lets put it behind us but I wouldnt suggest meeting up again. If she wants to meet up let her suggest it and if not at least it wont be too awkward when you bump into each other.

sulkisu

It sounds as if your friendship has changed, as you both have changed. Isn't it possible to accept the friendship as it is now, i.e. you meet up every so often and get on really well when you do. Does really have to be 'all or nothing'? I have friends(some of whom I have known for decades) that over time I see less and less of, but in the absence of anything more, I still regard them as friends, we just don't see each other as frequently.

an9i77

After the latest email exchange, she ended up saying she didn't think we should continue the conversation and she was still friends but very upset and angry and needed to have time to cool off.
I can see in hindsight that there may have been better ways to broach it, but I guess the frustration got the better of me when I replied saying 'should I bother'.
If she gets so upset with me for bringing this into the open, and is going to make me feel like the big bad wolf, then I don't really see how it can ever be resolved.
If she was really not bothered about me as a friend, then I don't get why she's so upset about the whole thing, does it sound a bit strange??

Person_one

Definitely clear this one up, as you'll have to see each other again and you don't want a situation where both of you feel like the wronged party and are both waiting for the other to make a move.

Then, as you said, mentally step away. Enjoy her company when you're with mutual friends but don't push the intimacy of the friendship, accept that its at the level its supposed to be.