Facing Other Halfs

helping_hubby

Interesting thread. I'm the other half in our relationship. I really hope I am supporting my hubby enough. I have to admit I've been distant at times and there have been moments when I lose it and throw it back in his face.

Southwester, I think your wife is doing the right thing I'm afraid with regards to not letting you put the debt on the mortgage. Your debt should become a shared debt. That said I do help my hubby with repayments. He keeps saying he'll pay me back one day, but I don't want paying back as such, so we've agreed that once he's debt free, then a chunk of what he would have normally paid on debts can go for saving for a holiday/extension/baby savings, whatever we decide when that time comes. That gives me something to look forward to, and hopefully him to.

The one thing that I feel with hubby, is he still doesn't take the time to research and look for cheaper options, it's always me that has to put the time into looking for the credit card deals, looking into food shopping savings etc... Also I am the one who meticulously save points for days out and I do mystery shopping just so we can eat out occasionally. In terms of spending, his spends are nil. He's doing amazingly well really, but I need a little more effort in ways of cutting back further, or ideas for free days out.

Melissa177

The one thing that I feel with hubby, is he still doesn't take the time to research and look for cheaper options, it's always me that has to put the time into looking for the credit card deals, looking into food shopping savings etc... Also I am the one who meticulously save points for days out and I do mystery shopping just so we can eat out occasionally. In terms of spending, his spends are nil. He's doing amazingly well really, but I need a little more effort in ways of cutting back further, or ideas for free days out.

There is another way of looking at this: meticulously saving points etc all requires a huge amount of effort in return for, let's face it, not a lot. If I didn't work for a living, I would probably have more time to manage my finances better. I'm not doing too badly, but I'm really don't have time to faff with Pigsback, Nectar etc.

This is justified by the fact I spend a lot of time working and making sure my career is going places - I could worry about every last penny, or I can spend my time deciding on how to make money, get wealthy, and thus to a point where I don't have my 2K credit card debt, or my student loan.

Making more money is just as important as saving it - perhaps this is where Hubby is from?

helping_hubby

Melissa177 wrote: »

There is another way of looking at this: meticulously saving points etc all requires a huge amount of effort in return for, let's face it, not a lot. If I didn't work for a living, I would probably have more time to manage my finances better. I'm not doing too badly, but I'm really don't have time to faff with Pigsback, Nectar etc.

This is justified by the fact I spend a lot of time working and making sure my career is going places - I could worry about every last penny, or I can spend my time deciding on how to make money, get wealthy, and thus to a point where I don't have my 2K credit card debt, or my student loan.

Making more money is just as important as saving it - perhaps this is where Hubby is from?

Am I to assume that you take from this message that I don't work for a living? I actually work more hours than my hubby and leave earlier and get home later so he has more 'spare' time than me. He just chooses to spend that time to look at things on ebay that he can't buy instead. That's fine. Just something I need to accept I guess.

Melissa177

Hi,

I've re-read my post - I think what I was trying to say was explained badly.

Men frequently look at things from a "macro" viewpoint, whereas us women often focus on the detail. I was guessing that your husband saw things like Pigsback etc as "micro" work, and that he would be better off putting the hours into his job to earn as much money as possible, or progress up the career ladder.

If I came home after a long day and then had to think about making a few pounds here, and a few pounds there, it would drive me mad.

I seemed to have assumed wrongly that this was your husband's point of view, and that he was spending his time working instead - but perhaps not!

Good luck helping him.

Maybe you can tell him what you are doing, and why you are doing it?

shamu95

Hi melissa, thank you for your comments. I have lots of great friends but none that totally comprehend what i am going through.
I assume that dd stands for darling daughter etc or at least thats what i've taken it to mean.
we are off on a family holiday tomorrow and i think i may tell oh how i feel and exactly what id like in terms of support from him as we wont be in normal enviroment.

southwester_2

Hi Helpinghubby

Worrying thing is wife keeps waking up at night can cant sleep, obviously due to the debt problem, will this pass once she sees it being paid off.

I am more worried for her well being

helping_hubby

Melissa177 wrote: »

Hi,

I've re-read my post - I think what I was trying to say was explained badly.

Men frequently look at things from a "macro" viewpoint, whereas us women often focus on the detail. I was guessing that your husband saw things like Pigsback etc as "micro" work, and that he would be better off putting the hours into his job to earn as much money as possible, or progress up the career ladder.

If I came home after a long day and then had to think about making a few pounds here, and a few pounds there, it would drive me mad.

I seemed to have assumed wrongly that this was your husband's point of view, and that he was spending his time working instead - but perhaps not!

Good luck helping him.

Maybe you can tell him what you are doing, and why you are doing it?

Sorry, I jumped a little at you there...was probably having a bad day. I do see what you mean...however...just typically (maybe he was reading this thread?) he has been doing his pigsback clickthrus and even went ahead and claimed his first voucher without being prompted by me! I'm very impressed with him, and I think he's a little chuffed about it as now he's contributed £10 Pizza Hut voucher for our holiday in July

Hi Helpinghubby

Worrying thing is wife keeps waking up at night can cant sleep, obviously due to the debt problem, will this pass once she sees it being paid off.

I am more worried for her well being

I honestly couldn't say, for me it strangely wasn't the debt, it was the lies...if he can keep that much of a debt secret then what else is secret? Could this be part of the reason why she's being distant? All I can say is from my point of view it would help to perhaps tell her things, even tiny things that you don't think is important...like having to buy a lunch at work because you forgot your packed lunch...if you see what I mean? And this can help build the trust up.

For us it was the opposite in a way, I'm the one that has to keep the budget to show OH that he's making progress to cheer him up. I've just done Aprils budget and together we've paid off just over £4500 in total since January. In addition we paid his car insurance in full - his first time ever - he's always done monthly payments. So we're doing really well I think and yes it does help seeing the debts going down.

SarahNeedle1872

Hi... Just wanted to say this is a great thread, and add my 10 pence worth.
Whilst technically I'm the one in debt, it belongs to both of us, so there was no issue of hiding it. My OH has a rubbish credit rating due to previous 'I can't be bothered to deal with this today, I'll do it tomorrow - tomorrow never comes!' mindset.
I do feel like I'm the one that has to do all the work with saving money, while he goes out and does the physical work (I'm currently on mat leave), which he thinks gives him a good excuse to spend money we don't have...... quote 'I've just worked the last 18 nights in a row, of course it's ok if I spend £200 on a new mobile phone!' unquote.

As for joint finances, I would NEVER have any joint finances with him (except maybe a mortgage), not because I don't trust him, I just wouldn't put myself and our baby in that position.
All the household bills come out of my account, and I transfer out what I need on payday. The reason for this is that if the bills came from his account, I couldn't guarantee they'd get paid - once his wages hit his account, he goes into spend mode! The only money that gets left in his account is enough to pay for his phone bill and Sky, plus £50 'spends' for the month. That way, if the money's not there, he's the one that suffers, not us.
N.B I know Sky is a big no-no for the majority of MSE'rs, but the poor bloke gave up smoking, gambling and going out 3 nights a week all in the same month, I had to leave him one pleasure!

If anything, I should confess to him how much money I have in savings! (see sig). He knows I rob him of all his small change and £2 coins, but if he knew what we had sitting around...... Well what he doesn't know won't hurt him!

My God, what a rant that was! Anyway, my point was this is a great thread, and a real source of comfort/inspiration for a lot of people.

Good luck to all of you on your DFW quest... may the sauce be with you! - tomato of course

southwester_2

Good post Sarah

Hannasmummy is telling her other half tonight so hoepfully it has given some inspiration

sammy115

I have just read this thread after seeing a few people discussing telling their OH's. Just thought I would tell my story. My OH is hopeless with money. We have joint finances, joint account, joint mortgage and all debt is in my name, although technically it is our debt as it is our high living that has caused the debt.

I lived in charity shops, scrimped and scraped until I met my OH who accused me of being cheap. Although at the time we met he still lived at home with his mum and dad at 30 and had no savings just and overdraft, and I had owned my own house since I was 21, had no debts but no savings. He got a good job with good pay and the money rolled in (and rolled back out again), new tv, new this, new that, better car etc etc. I hadn't the heart to say we can't afford it as I am soft/idiot/stupid, whatever. What I now know is that I was acting like his mother.

This all came to an end when he lost his job and then I lost mine. We were stuffed big time. We had people ringing us up constantly. But we got through and now we are both back in full time work. He now realises that we had been overspending and is more careful with his spending. He also thinks we no longer owe any money! WHY!

He has a form of OCD and I am sure a bit of a depressive nature. He worries obsessively and I know that if he knew, the worry would drive him insane. I am not exaggerating here. He was stressed a few years ago and the stress caused him to have an ulcer which in his head was cancer. He was convinced he had cancer. We went through a daily cycle. Every morning he would get up worried he was dying. By the end of the day I would have managed to convince him he hadn't and he would be okay. But by the morning back to square one.

Perhaps what I am doing is wrong and he should become stronger emotionally, but he is a lovely man who I know would not leave me if he knew the extent of our debt but life would become too difficult for me. He loves me and I love him, he doesn't drink, smoke or womanise. He never goes out, just spends his time working and being with the family.

Anyway just thought I would add my story.