Facing Other Halfs

tacklinit

SortingIt wrote: »

Hi Guys,

Wanted to post on this one to bump it up as think it is a very important topic. Secrets are not good in relationships (especially those re debt) I only told my OH just over a week or so ago (hv over 60K debt in my name) and although it was the scary and I was scared of his reaction, the sheer releif of not having to keep it a secret any longer made a huge difference to me.

Thankfully he has been amazing (we should give them more credit) and we now have a month by month plan and dates set to sit down and look at my progress. He also sat down and went through his finances too (although not in huge debt) but thought it was only fair that I knew everything about his too and that he looked at ways of saving and cutting back.

Although it was tough and very hard to do I feel like a different person now and far more positive than I have ever been about clearing the mountain of debt before me - for anyone who hasn't done it and wants to, I would say build up the courage and do it, just for the difference it makes in yourself (i know easiers said than done and every situation is different) I have slept better since and don't wake up with that horrible cloud over my head or the thought of money/debt as soon as I wake up.

Anyway will stop yapping now, just thought I would post a positive comment about telling OH!

I told my OH 4 weeks ago and it was the best decision ever, not only have we sorted our finances now, instead of mine and her finances, everything is in the pot and we now watch every penny that is being spent and the reasons for it. The upshot of it all is a better relationship and I can sleep at nights and dont wake every morning feeling like I havent had a nights sleep.

Hope this helps with encouragement to anyone considering telling their OH

onedayiwill

I told Mr OneDay a few weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Seriously. I have been with Mr OneDay for 13 years, and married for 5. I had been keeping the secret of my debts for at least 6 years. He is careful with his money, and I was ashamed.

But I couldn't tell him until I had done SOMETHING about it. So I found this site. I figured out what my debts actually were. I made some progress in paying them off. I made a plan of action on how I was going to the pay the rest of them off.

And then I told Mr OneDay and he has been wonderful. I sleep better. I no longer feel like I have to watch what I say, hide my bills etc etc. Our relationship, which fortunately was very strong and very good to begin with and grown even stronger and better and for me, at least, it feels more "comfortable".

The most difficult thing I have ever done, but absolutely the best thing also.

southwester_2

It is definately the hardest thing to do, but there are times, and I am experiencing them at the moment that it wont all be smooth. When you a re short of a few pounds at the end of the month, it rears its head, this I think is natural.

If you keep this to yourself it will end up making you ill, thats what made me take the step as I was starting to get chest pains and felt dreadful. Thanfully I feel much better now and the relief is tremendous, we to are working out my debt

tigzem

I'd kept it a secret from my BF (been together 5yrs) he didn't have a clue but I told him recently and he was great, really supportive. It's such a nice feeling knowing no secrets and that I can talk about it with him.

southwester_2

Hannasmummy

It is a very personal decision to make but I hope you can sort it out and tell your OH, the relief is tremendous and the knowledge of tackling the debt together is a great help but as I said it is a individual decision

Spikeyjaycee

I didn't know my other half (now husband) was in debt when we first got together in 2002. It all materliazed when he got a phone call from the bank whilst we were on holiday to say there was insufficent money in his account to pay his direct-debits etc. Fortunately (for him) I didn't throw a wobbler! We sat down together when we got home and we went through everything. I made him face up to it and talk to the bank and his creditors. 5 years down the road - he is six months into his bankruptcy (due to redundancy he couldn't catch up with the payments to this creditors) and I'm the one in debt! (But sorting it thankfully!) If the partnership is strong enough, it will be ok.

Janusian

I know this isn't strictly relevant, but I am surprised by the number of people who maintain separate financial identities to their partner. Not that I am criticising people as it is up to them, but what I would say is that I have found it far easier to stay out of debt by sharing all my finances with my wife. That way if I want to buy something, it is her money as well as mine that I am spending, and it really makes you think about money that you might otherwise 'fritter' away. The 'what would the wife say' test is a real pause for thought when I am considering the next gadget!

southwester_2

Janusian

This is what we have agreed now, all finances are joint so each other can see what is happening and everybody knows what is being bought or what we can afford to buy.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing

lonelytoo

Hi there,
am currently 66k in debt am ashamed and feel guilty. I too havent told my husband for fear he will divorce me, I have an 11yr old son too.

If you want support (I know how you feel) just send me PM

Lonelytoox

danielleindebt

Janusian wrote: »

I know this isn't strictly relevant, but I am surprised by the number of people who maintain separate financial identities to their partner. Not that I am criticising people as it is up to them, but what I would say is that I have found it far easier to stay out of debt by sharing all my finances with my wife. That way if I want to buy something, it is her money as well as mine that I am spending, and it really makes you think about money that you might otherwise 'fritter' away. The 'what would the wife say' test is a real pause for thought when I am considering the next gadget!

i here this all the time from older people (im 24)

it has always been my money his money and 50/50 on the house. we set up a joint account for all the house stuff and put the same in each a month and the rest is our own. if it wasnt i can forsee arguments. OH "why did you buy this? i dont use this why should i pay for it etc.

e.g i buy vegetarian foods - oh - why should i pay for that?

although both families shared eveything as you say it hasnt rubbed off.