Sad sad sad.

happy_witch

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

And when he was violent, was he your best friend then?

No you are right, I know. He says he was very miserable and depressed and it made him smash things up and kick doors in. It was very frightening and intimidating. Maybe I brought out the worst in him, I don;t know. He said I did. Thank you. x
Stockholm Syndrome comes to mind.

No you are right, I know. He says he was very miserable and depressed and it made him smash things up and kick doors in. It was very frightening and intimidating. Maybe I brought out the worst in him, I don;t know. He said I did. Thank you. x
Stockholm Syndrome comes to mind.[/QUOTE]

Ivrytwr3

Maybe you should have spoke with him, or perhaps moved on earlier.

However, what you definately should have done is kept your knickers on - so stop the bleating, you are as much to blame as he is.

make_me_wise

happy_witch wrote: »

He is a good man, but very prone to mood swings/depression/violence. My gut feeling always told me to get out - and I did

You may not like what I am going to say here. I have sat back and read your posts because when I read this sentence and then your feelings since the split it sent a shiver down my spine. You have come out of an abusive relationship. A person who is violent and kicks doors in is dangerous to be around. Especially so when he deflects his failings onto you and tells you you bring the worst out in him. He is taking no responsibility for his actions.

I think part of the problem in you not being able to move on is that for years he was your main, maybe even your only focus. Did your life revolve around him? Did he come first all the time? Is it suddenly very strange to face being alone and not know who you are or what you want anymore. Then the ultimate slap in the face is that he tells you he does not want you in his life any more at all, so he has thrown you aside again. Now that action is either because he cant cope with how he has treated you, unlikely as abusive types rarely have a conscience. More likely is it is one final put down.

He is not worth your tears or the pain you are feeling. Move on and be happy, you deserve way better.

happy_witch

make_me_wise wrote: »

You may not like what I am going to say here. I have sat back and read your posts because when I read this sentence and then your feelings since the split it sent a shiver down my spine. You have come out of an abusive relationship. A person who is violent and kicks doors in is dangerous to be around. Especially so when he deflects his failings onto you and tells you you bring the worst out in him. He is taking no responsibility for his actions.

I think part of the problem in you not being able to move on is that for years he was your main, maybe even your only focus. Did your life revolve around him? Did he come first all the time? Is it suddenly very strange to face being alone and not know who you are or what you want anymore. Then the ultimate slap in the face is that he tells you he does not want you in his life any more at all, so he has thrown you aside again. Now that action is either because he cant cope with how he has treated you, unlikely as abusive types rarely have a conscience. More likely is it is one final put down.

He is not worth your tears or the pain you are feeling. Move on and be happy, you deserve way better.

Thank you - yes you are right. When I met him I knew he had smashed things up in the home with his first wife. I never saw any mood swings or temper tantrums until we moved in and I was quite surprised.He bullied my children and I used to make excuses for him.....it's true, I always put him first and understood his mood swings and didn't put any pressure on him to cause him to get upset. It was awful. And yes now I feel rejected because he doesn't want me in his life - it's horrible. He said, I'm sorry, I don't want you in my life at all. Painful. Very very very painful. Thank you for your reply. I re-read all of these every day. xxx

Ivrytwr3

It sounds like you are well rid and so are the children - but i am still bemused by how you ever thought an affair was going to end well.

happy_witch

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

It sounds like you are well rid and so are the children - but i am still bemused by how you ever thought an affair was going to end well.

I didn't think - there was a huge chasm between us - I just didn't think anything. I've made mistakes for sure. I'm human. Ultimately I think I tried my best.

Seanymph

OP have you had a chat with womensaid. They talk on the phone, and they help.

I well remember phoning and explaining that my ex had an 'anger problem' - and that it was 'my fault' because I 'made him cross' and so he 'lost control'.

Turns out that when they talked to me and I was honest with us both about it he only had an 'anger problem' with me and in my house. he functioned just in at work, and socially, and with his friends, and at his parents.

Which means, he CHOSE to sling things around.

Now why would he do that?

Ah, because it made me do what he wanted - he 'taught' me that if I didn't shoulder all the responsibility, and let him do what he wanted, he 'lost control' - so I didn't. I shut up, and put up with it, and kept the kids quiet, and let him go skiing whilst I stayed at home, and not work whilst I did, and and and and and.

So he didn't 'lose' his temper - he had learnt to display temper as a controlling mechanism.

he had learnt NOT to control it but only with me.

That's abusive.

And then, if it didn't work, or it looked like i'd make a break from him - he'd change tactics, and be nice, and buy flowers and be sorry - he even went to the GP and was referred to 'anger management' to 'change'. But he didn't change really, why would he? He had built a VERY cushty life thankyou-very-much with me running around and him being cushioned from anything that was demanding for him.

And afterwards I grieved him! The him that bought me chocolates and booked weekends away........... (usually on my credit card!).

And you know what I finally felt when I learnt he'd moved in with the woman he'd been seeing and I didn't know about 'poor cow, I wonder if I should phone and warn her'. I didn't - but don't bank on being jealous and feeling dreadful if he's 'moved on'. You may just feel relief that it isn't you he's bullying.

Phone womensaid, chat to them - they may just help you to see more clearly what you have managed to get away from. Help you to recognise how brave you have been and how difficult it was for you to get away.

You will improve, it will get easier - but you will have to put in work to move forwards.

happy_witch

Seanymph wrote: »

OP have you had a chat with womensaid. They talk on the phone, and they help.

I well remember phoning and explaining that my ex had an 'anger problem' - and that it was 'my fault' because I 'made him cross' and so he 'lost control'.

Turns out that when they talked to me and I was honest with us both about it he only had an 'anger problem' with me and in my house. he functioned just in at work, and socially, and with his friends, and at his parents.

Which means, he CHOSE to sling things around.

Now why would he do that?

Ah, because it made me do what he wanted - he 'taught' me that if I didn't shoulder all the responsibility, and let him do what he wanted, he 'lost control' - so I didn't. I shut up, and put up with it, and kept the kids quiet, and let him go skiing whilst I stayed at home, and not work whilst I did, and and and and and.

So he didn't 'lose' his temper - he had learnt to display temper as a controlling mechanism.

he had learnt NOT to control it but only with me.

That's abusive.

And then, if it didn't work, or it looked like i'd make a break from him - he'd change tactics, and be nice, and buy flowers and be sorry - he even went to the GP and was referred to 'anger management' to 'change'. But he didn't change really, why would he? He had built a VERY cushty life thankyou-very-much with me running around and him being cushioned from anything that was demanding for him.

And afterwards I grieved him! The him that bought me chocolates and booked weekends away........... (usually on my credit card!).

And you know what I finally felt when I learnt he'd moved in with the woman he'd been seeing and I didn't know about 'poor cow, I wonder if I should phone and warn her'. I didn't - but don't bank on being jealous and feeling dreadful if he's 'moved on'. You may just feel relief that it isn't you he's bullying.

Phone womensaid, chat to them - they may just help you to see more clearly what you have managed to get away from. Help you to recognise how brave you have been and how difficult it was for you to get away.

You will improve, it will get easier - but you will have to put in work to move forwards.

All I can say is wow - this is such an eye opener for me - this is my life, or was my life. Thank you xx

happy_witch

Thank you for all your replies, it helps to re-read them, especially at 4 oclock in the morning........

FBaby

happy witch, it is normal to let yourself fall into a 'feeling sorry for myself mode' and embracing the pain because it is part of the moving on process. Don't feel bad about it and don't fight it. BUT, make sure you turn the page after a whilst. I've seen many people break up, go through the pain and got so used to it (because in a way, it is comforting) and never managed to go the stage of anger which allows you to think 'ok, that's it, he doesn't deserve me to cry for him forever, it's time I start to pick myself and I'll show him I can be happy without him, as a matter of fact, much happier' (when you finally do, you don't care as much about showing it up, you are too busy concentrating on the present!).

Giving yourself that kick can be hard, because you have to go against what your body and mind are telling you. You need to make yourself get up, go out, make decision, take actions, when all you feel is drained, demotivated, and you mind is all muddled up, but you've got to use the little strenght you have to do it.

Give yourself a timescale, and then get out and embrace the real world which however challenging does has many opportunities for joy and happiness.