Sad sad sad.

happy_witch

Ive just come out of my marriage wih my husband after 10 years. Lived together 5, married 5. The last 4 years have not been great, masses of rows, he didn't get on with my children, we both carved out on own lives although we didn't realise how much we drifted apart until it was too late. I had an affair this time last year, he found out, we went to Relate, but we both knew it was too late and in October we separated. Looking back, I realise we didn't see our problems which crept up on us. We did not communicate about our relationship from years ago, we papered over the cracks. He used to be my best friend. He is a good man, but very prone to mood swings/depression/violence. My gut feeling always told me to get out - and I did - and I can tell you all now I am more unhappy than I have ever been in my whole life. I cannot see a reason for going on. I wish I could turn the clock back and not put up an impenetrable brick wall and I wish I could have tried more and I didn't and it fell apart. My children have left home, I am in one bedroom shared house, not much money and so so so massively unhappy. When I left him, I thought I would never look back, homelife was horrendous with the rows and fighting, but how I wish I could turn the clock back and communicate instead of putting my head further and further in the sand. He agrees the affair was inevitable as he lost interest in me. When I left we still met up for drinks and talked about where we went wrong and if things could be patched up, we even had sex, and maybe I thought we might have got back together, underneath I know it wouldn't work, but the other night he told me he wants a divorce and wants to move on and doesn't want any part of me in his life any more, he said I'm very sorry, but I don't want you in my life. And boy it hurts! I feel like I have lost my right arm. I just wanted to maybe try and put things right. Now I am really on my own with friends obviously but my god I am in pain.

Mara69

Really sorry to hear you are suffering. It sounds like there was fault o both sides and you did both try to make it work. I could trot out some cliches if you like....time is a great healer, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all...but that probably won't help.

Be good to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Spend time with friends who will hopefully help you talk it through with them. If not consider counselling. You will get through this and life will improve.

happy_witch

Mara69 wrote: »

Really sorry to hear you are suffering. It sounds like there was fault o both sides and you did both try to make it work. I could trot out some cliches if you like....time is a great healer, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all...but that probably won't help.

Be good to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Spend time with friends who will hopefully help you talk it through with them. If not consider counselling. You will get through this and life will improve.

Thank you - I was miserable in my marriage, but boy am I more miserable now!!!

Seanymph

transitions are always difficult, because you don't know where you are going - but when you get there you will be a very different person to the one that was in an unhappy marriage.

It's normal to grieve (small comfort I know) - and to feel regret, it's part of moving on.

In a small way can you think of anything that you were unable to do whilst married that you can do now? Perhaps some studying? Or visiting somewhere? An ambition?

A good way to start feeling less awful and move on is to start planning something for the future. You may not feel like it right now, but as soon as you can that helps.

It's hard when it's over, even when it was awful. I went through something similar and my counsellor said 'breaking any habit is hard, even the bad ones - it'll take time'.

This will pass. Truly.

happy_witch

Seanymph wrote: »

transitions are always difficult, because you don't know where you are going - but when you get there you will be a very different person to the one that was in an unhappy marriage.

It's normal to grieve (small comfort I know) - and to feel regret, it's part of moving on.

In a small way can you think of anything that you were unable to do whilst married that you can do now? Perhaps some studying? Or visiting somewhere? An ambition?

A good way to start feeling less awful and move on is to start planning something for the future. You may not feel like it right now, but as soon as you can that helps.

It's hard when it's over, even when it was awful. I went through something similar and my counsellor said 'breaking any habit is hard, even the bad ones - it'll take time'.

This will pass. Truly.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees , I feel desperately alone and everything I had has collapsed. Thank you for bothering to respond, I so appreciate it.

Seanymph

It being normal is not comforting I know - that's why I said as soon as you can look outwards.

You can do volunteering - charity work - study - take on a part time job in a pub - plan to cycle across France - take up a sport - change career - do a degree with the OU - residential charity projects....... the world really is your oyster. It's just hard to see that at the beginning, but it's such an exciting time, you have a do-over. You get to take stock, assess what is REALLY important to you, and make a difference to your life and set goals and achieve things that are really important to you.

It's terribly exciting. And you'll meet wonderful people doing all that.

But you need to look backwards a bit first, and learn from mistakes, and grieve, and forgive yourself.

Then you get to look forwards and embrace the opportunities you now have.

It takes a while, be gentle with yourself - do something for pleasure every day, go to the library and read books, go swimming, go see a film you love, walk in a park, cook yourself something wonderful.

In no time you'll be looking forwards not backwards.

brians_daughter

It will take you time to find 'you' again. Its natural to feel sad, upset, think of the 'what ifs'. Once you have re-discovered yourself again it will be easier and happier.

Its a big change being with someone (happy or sad) for such a long time. I split with my ex 2 years ago, we are still friends and all go out as a family but i often find myself (and have to stop myself) texting him silly little things. Like yesterday there was a man singing in the street, happy as larry. He was singing a favourite song of my ex and I , I immediately got my phone out and started to text him then realised what i was doing... brief moment of sadness then had a latte to cheer myself up lol.

Grab every opportunity and also take time to be alone and be you.

happy_witch

Seanymph wrote: »

It being normal is not comforting I know - that's why I said as soon as you can look outwards.

You can do volunteering - charity work - study - take on a part time job in a pub - plan to cycle across France - take up a sport - change career - do a degree with the OU - residential charity projects....... the world really is your oyster. It's just hard to see that at the beginning, but it's such an exciting time, you have a do-over. You get to take stock, assess what is REALLY important to you, and make a difference to your life and set goals and achieve things that are really important to you.

It's terribly exciting. And you'll meet wonderful people doing all that.

But you need to look backwards a bit first, and learn from mistakes, and grieve, and forgive yourself.

Then you get to look forwards and embrace the opportunities you now have.

It takes a while, be gentle with yourself - do something for pleasure every day, go to the library and read books, go swimming, go see a film you love, walk in a park, cook yourself something wonderful.

In no time you'll be looking forwards not backwards.

My confidence is on the floor, I am not able to get through the day without falling to pieces. I know this will change. I have really lovely friends and a part time job. What a mess. I always thought I would walk away and not look back, how wrong I was. Thankyou.

motherofstudents

Any change is very unsettling to say the least and what you are experiencing is normal. It will take time for you to feel better but you say you have lovely friends so that is a very good start. Don't be too hard on yourself, try to do one little thing each day that is just for you and take the excellent advice above. Start to look forward and plan and things will improve.

I'd also say don't bottle anything up, cry if you want to and get angry if you need to....then try to move on even if it's only a little at a time. I genuinely hope you start to feel better soon.

happy_witch

motherofstudents wrote: »

Any change is very unsettling to say the least and what you are experiencing is normal. It will take time for you to feel better but you say you have lovely friends so that is a very good start. Don't be too hard on yourself, try to do one little thing each day that is just for you and take the excellent advice above. Start to look forward and plan and things will improve.

I'd also say don't bottle anything up, cry if you want to and get angry if you need to....then try to move on even if it's only a little at a time. I genuinely hope you start to feel better soon.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. x

happy_witch

motherofstudents wrote: »

Any change is very unsettling to say the least and what you are experiencing is normal. It will take time for you to feel better but you say you have lovely friends so that is a very good start. Don't be too hard on yourself, try to do one little thing each day that is just for you and take the excellent advice above. Start to look forward and plan and things will improve.

I'd also say don't bottle anything up, cry if you want to and get angry if you need to....then try to move on even if it's only a little at a time. I genuinely hope you start to feel better soon.

Thank you x