meeting husbands female friend!

TokochickUK

When he and his wife first got together he was sleeping with her teenage daughter as she is only a yr or so younger than him, he is now 27 and his wife is nearer 47 hence I understand some of her insecurities, But I have never text him in any wayward flirting, Hes like my big brother, and any of our text would show that, I have even offered to try and talk with her again ( and trust me I have enough going on of my own to deal with) but I dont want her feeling confused over something which really is so innocent. I am not somebody she has to worry about. Im the one when he has called and said this girl is really hot and wants me but missus is at home what do I do? That has told him to tell the girl the truth and let her know he has a wife.

gelato_cat

I agree with you, but there are some people on here who have spoken of insecurity like it's something that can be easily helped - or an unnatural and unreasonable state of mind, or think that everyone should be tolerant of everything their partner does.

I'm not insecure, but neither am I happy with other women flirting with my boyfriend (or him flirting with them). I don't think he would like it if the boot were on the other foot, and being in a relationship means it doesn't occur to me to do it anyway.

However, I'm sure I would be very insecure had I ever been cheated on. In an ideal world you'd be able to put bad experiences behind you and never let them cloud your judgement but in real life it's bound to damage some people's faith in human nature. Not all of us are perfect.

Putting myself in the position of someone who is married to a guy who has a close female friend... well... my bf has close female friends he's known almost half his life and I don't even think about it. However, I would probably feel threatened if I knew there was another woman who knew him inside out, had had a relationship with him and, other than any current romantic attachment could almost be his soul mate. This is all hypothetical as I've never been in the situation, but I can sort of see where these women are coming from. I think it's more to do with what the man gets from the relationship with his friend that he can't get from his wife which bothers them, and it's not always about sex.

Suze

rosieben wrote: »

Above is the whole point of this thread.

We are all different in our beliefs, in our tolerance, our self esteem. The end stop is whether or not both parties in the marriage are feeling safe with the situation. If they are not, then that needs to be addressed. The happiness of a partner should come before a friendship, surely?

murphy61

rosieben wrote: »

Above is the whole point of this thread.

We are all different in our beliefs, in our tolerance, our self esteem. The end stop is whether or not both parties in the marriage are feeling safe with the situation. If they are not, then that needs to be addressed. The happiness of a partner should come before a friendship, surely?

Of course it should. But life is never that simple. Husband may think wife is being silly - after all, HE knows there's nothing untoward going on. But their ideas of untoward are totally different! The Mars/Venus scenario. Every single illicit text message is a form of adultery, in the eyes of an insecure partner. And it doesn't get any easier - with the advent of text messaging, you could be conducting an "affair" right under the nose of your partner. Emails and instant messaging are even worse! I don't have any answers, except to say, no-one deserves to be treated disrespectfully. If you love your partner, treat them well.

moodykerry

Hello hotguy89

I just wanted to say sorry for what had happened to you, it must of been a painful time. Just one thing I found odd though, why did she say you better not know what we talk about because its 'so steamy' It sounds to me like she wanted to to read it. Why didn't she keep it secret? Why didn't she delete the email? Hmm, relationships are strange things. Many different opinions and ideas. I surpose if you are both happy then fine, if not you have to do something, its eats away at you otherwise don't you think.

One thing I have found after my 'episode' (lol don't know what else to call it)
I have been finding lots of little things in my relationship that niggle at me, things that I just didn't see before, this isn't a good sign really. It has brought up questions I surpose.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.


Kerry

hotguy89

Thx...never thought about that..her opinion was that she thought that i would be alright with this as it is only talking and i would want her to be happy...well...she is honest to a fault...i dont think she ever has had any bad intentions...my bone is that she could not see my point..for such a long time...we have had trouble like that before...meeting a single male at a party...wanting only to sit with him ad why do we always have to go as a couple..we should go as 2 individuals...hmm...i have got problems to understand this...i think i am too old fashioned for her...we both have woken up from a dream...thought we new each other well...and we dont...need to re-valuate...u are right there ae niggles...have u resolved them?

moodykerry

"have u resolved them?" No I haven't, yet, they are only small niggles and know they didn't bother me before, just been thinking too much about our relationship I think.

Can I just say I find it quite odd that she doesn't want to go places as a couple, what are you surposed to do, pretend you don't know each other? Have you asked her why she wants to do this?
Although I do know one couple who do this on a regular basis, but they go to re pull each other if that makes sense. Keeps it fun they say, but no other people are involved.

misswig

One thing I have found after my 'episode' (lol don't know what else to call it)
I have been finding lots of little things in my relationship that niggle at me, things that I just didn't see before, this isn't a good sign really. It has brought up questions I surpose.

Do you think the reason is that you DH has hurt, you have lost a bit of trust in him??

I went through a very similar experiance with my DH(now ex). I found sex text messages (not mild flirty texts-hard core) on his phone (DOnt know what made me check, i just knew that something wasn't right) to a mutual friend of ours. Understandably i was a bit upst (well, our baby was due 6 days later!) What made it worse was that he had deleted the texts FROM her (and no others) but the text he sent TO her were still in his outbox.

He denied anything was going on and because of the impending birth i tried to believe himand put it behind us but like you moodykerry, things began to niggle. I tried to make it work and explain how i felt but he said i had pnd and that he would continue to see her as she was a fried

After 14months I left. To this day i dont know if anything did happen but the fact that he put her and their frienship before his family really hurt. Sadly he died earlier on this year and although there was still alot of bitterness between us, i feel great sadness that we could not sort thngs out by talking about our Hope things work out for you

Vxx

dianadors

After my "episode", once we were back on track, I realised that things had not been as good between us as I had thought. If I had to apportion blame at the time, I would have said that it was all him, but looking at it later and trying to make sense of it all, I realise that it was 50/50. Both of us started out trying to do our very best for each other and the family, but this effort got lost in "translation". We misunderstood each other a lot, and didnt realise it. I'm very down to earth but often felt like we were going round in circles when we tried to discuss things. It wasnt until I read "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" that the fog lifted. I realise now that I say one thing and he hears something completely different (and vice verca). It opened my eyes, and has made us communicate much more effectivley. Kerry, you may not think it is a good thing that you have noticed the niggles, but better to notice them now and deal with them than let a gap widen and end up who knows where.

hotguy89

Not sure if that is always the best way....sometimes pondering about it and seeing if you can live with 'some niggles' is better. One can make a mountain out of a molehill!! It is possible to make a problem much bigger by talking and talking and talking! Well, that is a'male ' perspective. I sometimes believe that if my wife brings something up, it must be ' a huge' problem or is this
'mars and venus' stuff?

Likewise if a problem is still one after weeks of 'pooping up'...then...of course...face it head on!

Josie64

.....so what if hubby has a female friend at work who he txts quite a lot but when his wife objects (she has male colleagues at work who she talks to but no contact outside work) then hubby's reply was " arn't I allowed to have friends and accuses wife of being paranoid! but wife isn't allowed to read txts , what then?