Help, i dont want to move but my husband really does.

Bitsy_Beans

I think the husband has been rash and impulsive. No one should jack their job in without first discussing it with their partner.

However the OPs first post did come across as a bit me, me, me. This is what I want and b*gger anyone else's feelings.
We can only speculate given the one side of the marriage but OPs H has wanted to move back for years, his mums cancer possibly being the final push. It seems to me the OP isn't really prepared to consider it which doesn't really seem fair to me. He has lived in London with the OP despite his desire to move back to Liverpool. It seems to me her husband is at least owed an open minded discussion rather than a blanket no.
I am going to be relocating from where I was born and bred. Been here 38 years :eek: but my husband has a good job and I need to support him. I think that's what the OP ought to be considering a bit more, swings and roundabouts IMO.

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

Not against their will!

But the husband has waited for years to go back to Liverpool. He's compromised there. Why should not the wife compromise now? Although I agree with waiting until after the daughter has done her GCSEs.

Dunroamin

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

But the husband has waited for years to go back to Liverpool. He's compromised there. Why should not the wife compromise now? Although I agree with waiting until after the daughter has done her GCSEs.

Even after GCSEs you've got to consider the employment prospects of the two teenagers after they leave education plus, of course, the jobs of the OP and the husband himself.

I always feel a great deal of sympathy for those who have to live in areas where the employment situation is poor (even when the country isn't in a recession) but to movevoluntarily into that situation just seems utter madness to me, I'm afraid.

I don't think that there's a lot of compromise possible between the likelihood of having four family members jobless and the same family in work and with decent prospects.

marisco_2

My initial gut reaction when reading your first post was that he is panicking about his mum. Even though her illness is treatable and she has a high rate of survival it must be almost crippling him with worry that she has cancer and is fighting it so far away from him. I think his knee jerk reaction of handing in his notice is a reflection of how desperate he is to be near her and help her. I can understand that you would despair at this but he wont be thinking rationally right now.

Can you manage okay without his income for a while? Not ideal of course and many household budgets are stretched to the max at the moment. Could he be persuaded to go in and explain to his work that he needs some time off, even unpaid time, to care for a close relative who is suffering with cancer right now? That way he could spend some time with his mum, ease his feelings and come back to a job and think through with you any future move in a calm and well thought out manner.

We all react differently when confronted with a relative being sick. I am sure you are generally very supportive but at the moment he seems to need extra help and consideration with a problem he is clearly not coping with at all.

lazer

sue_sue wrote: »

Hi all,

Im a 46 year old drama teacher from london, I have two children with my husband, son 18 and daughter 15. Ive lived in london all my life, and all my family live very close to me.

My husband is from liverpool, all his family live there. His mum has recently fallen ill and is having treatment. Her cancer is not life threatening and she is recieving treatment with a high rate of survival. My husband has always wanted to move back to liverpool and thinks now is the perfect time. I do not want to leave my family, freinds, job and neither do my kids. I know this is extremerly selfish and unsympathetic of me,

can anyone who has been in my situation offer any advice,


Thanks

OP - I get the impression that you refuse to discuss moving to Liverpool, and have always refused it, or let him talk about but been very non commital? Would this be right?

What happened when you got married, did you decide jointly to live in London, with a view to moving to Liverpool at a later date?

You obviously like London, he like Liverpool, you have lived in London all your life - your husband misses his family, do you make much of an effort to see his family and how well have you got to know them?
Has he suggested the time is right to move to Liverpool on a number of occassions but was always met with an answer, such as the kids are youn, I need my mum, but so and so is going through a rough time, I can't leave them etc?

I think your post does sound very me, me, me.

Handing in your notice, is a rash decision but it also depends on his job, will he get a new one in Liverpool easily?

For people stating that it is wrong to uproot kids at that age, perhaps the OP should have uprooted them when they were younger then.

TBH I would prefer living in Liverpool to London having been to both cities on anumber of occassions.
Perhaps the children would get better opportunities in Liverpool and be able to get on the housing ladder sooner, not commute as much to work, and having a better work life balance?

OP - I think you have been very negative, your husbands mother is sick of course he wants to be there, and i think is a good thing, not a bad one!

sharnad

It's really bad that he jacked in his job without telling you and thinks you'll
Move without giving any consideration to you and the children. Bis there any way you can stay while he moves up to live with his mam
For a while

Bogof_Babe

Suppose the OP had just gone along with her OH's plans, "okay dear, let's move north if that's what you want", what did they plan to live on? Unlikely to get JSA immediately as they would have made themselves unemployed by leaving their jobs.

Presumably he plans to move them in with family members up there, and rely on child related benefits to survive?

I think he needs a reality check. He is presumably approaching his 50s, and no-one's parents are immortal. People don't generally uproot their entire family on the grounds that a parent is ill. They work around it, seeing the parent as often as possible while retaining their home responsibilities. As "all his family are up there", it's not as if his mother is destitute with no-one else to do whatever needs doing for her.

balletshoes

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Suppose the OP had just gone along with her OH's plans, "okay dear, let's move north if that's what you want", what did they plan to live on? Unlikely to get JSA immediately as they would have made themselves unemployed by leaving their jobs.

Presumably he plans to move them in with family members up there, and rely on child related benefits to survive?

I think he needs a reality check. He is presumably approaching his 50s, and no-one's parents are immortal. People don't generally uproot their entire family on the grounds that a parent is ill. They work around it, seeing the parent as often as possible while retaining their home responsibilities. As "all his family are up there", it's not as if his mother is destitute with no-one else to do whatever needs doing for her.

thats the thing though Bogof-Babe, no-one knows what the OPs husband was planning or presuming, as he's not here on this thread, and the OP hasn't been back to tell us what his plans were. Who knows? He may have had a firm plan in place, money in the bank for them to fall back on until he got another job, wherever that was etc etc. We just don't know, because the OP hasn't told us. So its all just conjecture.

tattycath

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Suppose the OP had just gone along with her OH's plans, "okay dear, let's move north if that's what you want", what did they plan to live on? Unlikely to get JSA immediately as they would have made themselves unemployed by leaving their jobs.

Presumably he plans to move them in with family members up there, and rely on child related benefits to survive?

I think he needs a reality check.
Yes it would appear he acted rashly. He is presumably approaching his 50s, and no-one's parents are immortal. People don't generally uproot their entire family on the grounds that a parent is ill. They work around it, seeing the parent as often as possible while retaining their home responsibilities. As "all his family are up there", it's not as if his mother is destitute with no-one else to do whatever needs doing for her.

No she probably isn't but that isn't the point. If my mother was to fall ill I can sit here on my laurels and think 'it's ok, my sister is up there, she can sort it out and look after her' What a load of crap. I wouldn't expect my family to deal with it-even though they would. I would want to do everything I can to help her myself-because she's my Mother. No doubt the OPs husband wants to do as much as he can for his mother.

Person_one

tattycath wrote: »

No she probably isn't but that isn't the point. If my mother was to fall ill I can sit here on my laurels and think 'it's ok, my sister is up there, she can sort it out and look after her' What a load of crap. I wouldn't expect my family to deal with it-even though they would. I would want to do everything I can to help her myself-because she's my Mother. No doubt the OPs husband wants to do as much as he can for his mother.

He has other responsibilities though.

Plenty of people manage to help a poorly relative (even from two hours away) without this level of drama and without completely imploding their immediate family.