Adult daughter expecting us to lend money

SandC

OP I think you did the right thing. Yes, you are right to be peeved at her and your actions in offering a bus pass instead of cash are good ones.

I also think there are some very harsh critics on here. First full time job, wodges of money in hand and a car to run and she's 19 years old. Geez cut the girl some slack! I am sure that she will learn.

I gave my parents a paltry board when I was at home because they wouldn't have any more. When I left I worried that I wouldn't be able to cope (I paid them in board what I would have to pay in rent per week, plus bills on top). But you know what, I did. In order to have a holiday each year I worked a part time job as well for some years but I seem to remember getting into a bit of a mess at least once while still at home with the folks and whilst the amounts were less (I believe at 19 when I started full time work I was on £5,500, taking home about £350 per month, paying the folks £50 per month). I had a car to run but it didn't cost what it does today and insurance was probably only £150 per year. But I did end up with an overdraft and regularly skint.

But it was novelty and I sorted myself out over the years. If you daughter has had a childhood where she didn't get or expect everything everyone else seemed to have materially then chances are she won't expect it as an adult either.

System

Once you start lending adult children money it tends to become a habit because they have to pay it back.... which will leave them short next month.

KxMx

ajgrist wrote: »

We have not always bailed her out, she is 19 and only started earning this amount six months ago. For years we have had no spare money for treats or given spending money to the kids. Amongst her friends she was always the one who went without material things, as we just couldn't afford them. It's since she started earning her own money she's just gone mad!

ajgrist wrote: »

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think the main problem is she doesn't see she has a problem. I offer to sit down and go through her finances and she says no way. I am hoping these are just teething problems she has never had this amount of money before, she works hard 5 days a week. She just needs to learn to make her money last the month not 2 weeks! She always pays us back on payday. She never borrows more than £100 a month. I am just frustrated that she even asks to borrow money of me and her dad when she earns more!

So perhaps 6 months of this borrowing, hardly a one-off and sadly as you have found you've made a rod for your own back. She borrows off you because you have allowed it.

Other posts have some excellent advice.

Say "no" and ignore the tantrums until the lesson sinks in.

(most of us go a little mad once we have some freedom, things usually settle down in time!)

olibrofiz

Hmmm, but your DD doesn't have £700 (or thereabouts-ish) after payday because she's had to pay you back what she borrowed the month before....

If you've always subbed her maybe tackle it another way. Rather than, this time, saying no, you should start from the beginning. Buy her a bus ticket or put half a tank of petrol in her car, and write off this months sub - in exchange for her doing various chores/tasks etc you think relevant to the amount of the sub.

Start afresh with the CLEAR understanding that there will be no future subs if she's broke 3 weeks into the month. And stick to it.

But then, I'm a bit of a soft touch

nickj_2

ajgrist wrote: »

We have not always bailed her out, she is 19 and only started earning this amount six months ago. For years we have had no spare money for treats or given spending money to the kids. Amongst her friends she was always the one who went without material things, as we just couldn't afford them. It's since she started earning her own money she's just gone mad!

if she's 19 , it's about time she started acting her age ,
she needs to sit down on her own work out what her outgoings are per month and then what ever is left over is hers to spend . if she doesn't learn now to look after her finances it's only going to get worse if and when she decides to leave home

swampduck

If you sub it should be the last time and a bus pass seems a reasonable solution. If your daughter won't budget or even discuss her spending habits with you - then she is an adult and will eventually learn from her mistakes.
Perhaps one suggestion to put to her is to say - to take her expenses such insurance etc out of the equation. Whatever she has left she divides over the number of days left in the month. For example she has £500 left after paying her rent and car insurance.
Divide 500 by 30 days on the 1st of the month that means she can 'spend' £16.66 per day.
On the 1st she actually spends eg £54 so she has £446 left.
On the 2nd divide that £446 by 29 days she can spend £15.37 per day
say she spends only £6 on the 2nd she now has £440 for the rest of the month. For the next four days she spends nothing. So £440 can be divided by 24 days meaning she can 'spend' £18.33 per day.
This way technically she should never run out money. If she overspends one day the rest of the month will reduce her daily spend allowance but any days that no spends occur will increase her daily limit. She may end up with 50p per day by the last week or if she has been careful could end up with money to stash on savings.
It removes the fear of not actually having any money - okay she may only have pennies but she has something! For a lot of people it's the fear of having no actual cash that is hard to live with. This way she can have money but you have to be rigid about dividing the balance by the number of days left.
Otherwise you could up her rent by another £20 a month so you can give it back to her when and if she needs it or save it for her. At least then it's her money she is 'borrowing'

Swampy

Mint1955

When the teens started earning full time we asked for £215 per month which works out at £50 per week which also included all food and basic toiletries etc. Then the agreement was they had to also give us £200 per month for savings for when they wanted to move out.

So that when they want to get a place of their own etc they are already handing over £415 per month so it won't come as such a shock.

If they didn't like it they could find a place to rent and add up all the bills and see when they are well off LOL

gravitytolls

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I didn't say I thought it was wrong for her to run a car, just that I was surprised that she could expect to be able to afford to on such a modest salary. But what do I know? I'm in my fifties and I've never had one but from friends' experience they can be a money-pit if you're not careful.

A fair amount of keep is whatever her parents decide it should be, so it doesn't necessarily have to be a strict percentage and I have no problem with the idea that hers should be a slightly higher amount when she earns two grand a year more than her parents do combined. My own parents decided that a third of my take-home pay was what I should pay, so I did. I had no idea at the time what their costs were to run a home. Although I had a better idea a bit later when I moved out and had to support myself in a grotty bed-sit. Living at home in retrospect seemed like living in the lap of luxury.

Depends where you live re. the car. In rural areas, no car often means no work. Our 22 yr old son earns about the same as the op's daughter, pays me £30 a week but must run a car. There are no bus services to get him to work for 6:30am, he's been looking for another job for well over a year, to no avail, and in all liklihood would still need a car. In fact, he'd have no social life without his car. He hardly drinks, but plays footie and golf.

Anyhoo OP, the bus pass is definately the way to go. When the eldest lives 11 miles away, he was constantly wanting lifts to se his new GF. After a couple of weeks I told him we couldn't afford to be running him around every day, 22 miles a day was costing us a bomb. He was unemployed at the time, and I told him we'd meet him halfway and buy a bus pass every other week, but he had to buy one every other week too.

We tok the younger children on hol to Essex to catch up with the rellies, got a text asking if we were coming home that evening as he wanted a life to work in the morning. He'd been working three days, shift work meant he couldn't stay over with the gf due to the bus timetable, 'it's a joke, I've done all these hours, I've hardly seen gfsname, I need a lift at 6.' I kid you not, direct quote.

My response was that I give him £20 a fortnight for a bus pass and it is a joke to be expected to return at midnight to ensure he can have a lift in the morning. He never asked again.

The thing is, when they get in the habit of asking for stuff and getting it, it's hard to break it, and sulks and tantrums are inevitable. But they will get over it, the eldest rarely asks for cash now, having heard the word no several times and some tough talk about skinting ourselves to get him mobile so he could get to work. We've helped him massively, now he has to stand on his own two feet, we need to help the younger ones as well, not just him.

Just to clarify, the eldest and the 22 yr old are different people; one is incredibly responsible, the other is incredibly irresponsible!

pelirocco

I'm not sure why certain posters are hung up on what the parents income is , or whether they get benefits , .......but then some posters just get off on trolling ( they will be very few people who havent been in receipt of some sort of benefit at some time in their life )

The OP is right to stop bailing out her daughter , she has to learn that money doesnt go far ,its not the amount of surplus money she has after paying her keep thats the problem . Its the amount of money she spends thats the problem