Adult daughter expecting us to lend money

morganedge

tesuhoha wrote: »

Firstly, I am sympathetic towards you due to your income. It must be very tough.

However, in a way I disagree with the majority of the posters on here. It sounds like your daughter has had it somewhat tough too and maybe she should be cut some slack. She has done very well to get herself a job but £13,000 is not that much and perhaps after not having much in the way of material possessions she has to kit herself out with clothes for work and other things. She is very young and so maybe she should be allowed her carefree way of life for a while. Life soon becomes full of worry, debt and responsibility. Let her have some fun while she is a teenager with a bit of money in her pocket. She probably won't get another chance.

I would lend her the money but stress it is the very last time you do this. Tell her she has to manage her cash from now on. I would also encourage her to take out a savings account and put a regular amount away each month when she gets paid.

The amount she pays you seems quite fair to me. After all, she is your young daughter, not your lodger.

I'm siding more along the lines of this post too, personally.

Treevo

lilymay1 wrote: »

This sort of attitude is the reason a huge number of 'young' people reach adulthood totally unable to function.

Not having material goods doesn't mean her daughter had it 'tough' whilst growing up. By the sounds of it she has 2 loving parents who care about their daughters future - that is worth more than any amount of money.

She is not 'very young' as you put it - she's 19 and a grown adult. She takes responsibility for her own life, and that of her friends, every time she get's behind the steering wheel so I fail to see why she should still be mollycoddled like a child. Lending her money, yet again, will only exacerbate the problem further.

Christ. If her own parents don't teach her to budget she has no chance.

I'm wondering how you square this with your previous suggestions of charging her double her share of the household bills and saving it for her. Last time I checked, adults responsible for themselves don't have mummy and daddy managing their financial affairs. You can't have it both ways.

Sambucus_Nigra

ajgrist wrote: »

We have not always bailed her out, she is 19 and only started earning this amount six months ago. For years we have had no spare money for treats or given spending money to the kids. Amongst her friends she was always the one who went without material things, as we just couldn't afford them. It's since she started earning her own money she's just gone mad!

Been there and not only got the t-shirt, had to sell the t-shirt on ebay to pay off the debts.

Seriously - living beyond her means might be short term gain but long term, that £900 overdraft will turn into a loan, and into a consolidation loan, and a bail out at some point if she doesn't rein it in soon.

My approach to this would be to say:

'We totally understand what it's like to have a little money and it's burning a hole in your pocket but having £800 a month spare and ending up with a £900 O/D in such a short period is worrying for us.

We will sub you this month, and this month only but on the condition that you sit down with us tonight and put a budget together to pay off that O/D and to sort out a savings account so that you can have what you need, a little of what you want, and put some away for a house deposit for the future. Ok?'

ajgrist

Treevo wrote: »

How are your household bills more than you earn? Seems like you're making a profit out of your daughter.

I can assure you we are not making a profit out of our daughter, she pays a fair amount for the money she earns. We are comfortable with the money we earn, we have little debt and we can afford to do the things we want. We holiday every year and run a car. We budget carefully with the money we have.

tesuhoha

lilymay1 wrote: »

This sort of attitude is the reason a huge number of 'young' people reach adulthood totally unable to function.

Not having material goods doesn't mean her daughter had it 'tough' whilst growing up. By the sounds of it she has 2 loving parents who care about their daughters future - that is worth more than any amount of money.

She is not 'very young' as you put it - she's 19 and a grown adult. She takes responsibility for her own life, and that of her friends, every time she get's behind the steering wheel so I fail to see why she should still be mollycoddled like a child. Lending her money, yet again, will only exacerbate the problem further.

Christ. If her own parents don't teach her to budget she has no chance.

Well, my own daughter pays me board, has no debt, runs a car and never asks to borrow money. She also has a savings account with a substantial sum in it. However, I have and would help her out financially if she needed it because she is family. I don't think helping your children financially necessarily means that they won't be able to budget.

The OP said that her daughter wastes money on clothes. When my daughter started work she had to spend quite a bit kitting herself out for the office because she is expected to look smart.

As I said in my post it should be made clear that the loan is the last one and she has to learn to manage. However, I feel that apart from paying her keep, not borrowing from her parents and perhaps starting a savings account, she should be allowed to enjoy the pleasure of having the money she has earned. She probably does need to buy things. That is not mollycoddling. I am disagreeing with those on here who say she should pay more for her keep. I disagree with those who think you should extract as much money from your offspring as soon as they come home with their first payslip.

My husband earned his first pay packet at the age of 15. He was hoping to buy a pair of jeans but his mother took every penny and gave him back his bus fare. That is the attitude of some on here.

Treevo

ajgrist wrote: »

I can assure you we are not making a profit out of our daughter, she pays a fair amount for the money she earns. We are comfortable with the money we earn, we have little debt and we can afford to do the things we want. We holiday every year and run a car. We budget carefully with the money we have.

I'm just wondering how your bills can be more than your income but you can still afford to run a car, have a yearly holiday etc. unless you're charging your daughter for your car and holidays?

LMCD

Its hard admitting being an adult who has money worries at that age.. I did the very same borrowing money. to be honest I wasn't managing my money right.. just try offer a budget lesson to her or request more digs that way if she asks to borrow she is taking from a bit you have set aside.. when she pays it back then you can put it in a savings for her. .

ajgrist

Treevo wrote: »

I'm just wondering how your bills can be more than your income but you can still afford to run a car, have a yearly holiday etc. unless you're charging your daughter for your car and holidays?

Both me and my husband work, we get the usual tax credits, child benefit etc. the figures given for household bills are a very rough guide, we only used rent, gas/electric, phone/tv/internet, food, water, insurance and council tax and didvided into 5. I have become an expert in budgeting and saving for the things we want.

Sambucus_Nigra

ajgrist wrote: »

Both me and my husband work, we get the usual tax credits, child benefit etc. the figures given for household bills are a very rough guide, we only used rent, gas/electric, phone/tv/internet, food, water, insurance and council tax and didvided into 5. I have become an expert in budgeting and saving for the things we want.

You do not have to explain your income to strangers on the internet!

Hermia

lilymay1 wrote: »

Not having material goods doesn't mean her daughter had it 'tough' whilst growing up.

I do find a lot of people who are rubbish with money use the 'I grew up poor, it's not my fault I can't control myself now' line. I was one of the poorest kids in my school, but I didn't go mental when I got my first wage slip. I knew what poverty was like and knew I didn't want to spend my whole life not having money.