Adult daughter expecting us to lend money

emsywoo123

ajgrist wrote: »

Thats the problem she doesn't seem to think she has a problem, she refuses to even discuss it. She justs begs me for money and cries and storms off if she doesn't get any!

From her point of view, you have, by your own admission, bailed her out/subbed her plenty of times before.

You have suddenly withdrawn this supporting role.

She is behaving poorly, but you enabled her to get to this reliant point.

I would put the petrol in for this week and say *that* is it, rather than doing it this way.

But that's just me

Mojisola

ajgrist wrote: »

Thats the problem she doesn't seem to think she has a problem, she refuses to even discuss it. She justs begs me for money and cries and storms off if she doesn't get any!

That's fine. If she wants to act like a toddler, let her.

She's the one who wants help. At some point, she's going to have to face reality, grow up and start behaving like an adult.

VestanPance

Agree with others that she needs some tough love. When she understands her parents aren't going to bail her out for her financial incompetence she'll soon learn to be a bit more careful with her money.

Horseunderwater

To be honest she is lucky to actually have a parent who has been able to help out like this. I lost both mine in my twenties and have had to solve all my money problems on my own for years. I am also teaching my own daughter how to budget, understand tax, credit cards, bank accounts, and all the other things one needs to understand about being a grown up. But then I started saying no to her right from the beginning, even when she was in nappies!

thorsoak

ajgrist wrote: »

Thats the problem she doesn't seem to think she has a problem, she refuses to even discuss it. She justs begs me for money and cries and storms off if she doesn't get any!

Actually, you are the people with the problem: you have brought your daughter up to believe that she will always be bailed out by you - she has absolutely no vision of having to save or budget because you've never introduced her to this aspect of life.

You have to act like a broken record - "no we can't lend you any more money - you earn more than both of us" - and then ignore the tantrums. You should have done this years ago.

Ames

You're doing the right thing. My dad has helped my sister out financially more times than I can count, including taking out a loan to be able to lend her money.

She now expects to be bailed out each and every time. And is very manipulative in order to make sure it happens.

Dad's sick of it, but really he made a rod for his own back.

Whereas when I asked for help and he said no, it meant I had to take a good look at my finances and sort myself out, which has done me a lot of good in the long term.

19lottie82

Do you or your OH drive? If so would one of you be able to drop her and collect her from work next week? (I take it you don't both work ft if you only earn 11k combined)

Obv not ideal or a long term solution but it means that you will be able to help her, while showing her that you won't hand over money whenever you are guilt tripped.

Mojisola

ajgrist wrote: »

We have said we will buy her a bus pass to last this week, and she can pay us back when she gets paid. She wants money so she can put petrol in her car, we said no because we can't trust her not to do unnecessary journeys and come back in two days time wanting more money.

Whether you buy her a bus pass or pay out for petrol, remember it's a loan and make sure it's paid back as soon as her wages are paid.

ajgrist

thorsoak wrote: »

Actually, you are the people with the problem: you have brought your daughter up to believe that she will always be bailed out by you - she has absolutely no vision of having to save or budget because you've never introduced her to this aspect of life.

You have to act like a broken record - "no we can't lend you any more money - you earn more than both of us" - and then ignore the tantrums. You should have done this years ago.

We have not always bailed her out, she is 19 and only started earning this amount six months ago. For years we have had no spare money for treats or given spending money to the kids. Amongst her friends she was always the one who went without material things, as we just couldn't afford them. It's since she started earning her own money she's just gone mad!

Mojisola

ajgrist wrote: »

We have not always bailed her out, she is 19 and only started earning this amount six months ago. For years we have had no spare money for treats or given spending money to the kids. Amongst her friends she was always the one who went without material things, as we just couldn't afford them. It's since she started earning her own money she's just gone mad!

This is an understandable reaction but not feasible on the money she's earning.

If she will sit down and look at her expenses, she will probably find that she can cut out spending that doesn't affect her much which will free up a bit for the treats.