Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

Paula_anne

My 19 yr old sister died christmas 5 yrs ago she had leukemia and i went to the funeral home to see her body and i have vowed never to see another relative after they've passed away, it was just awful cos the person laying there was not my sister, just an empty shell.

Agutka

Poppy9 wrote: »

I choose to remember my mother sitting up in her bed 4 days before she died eating my shepherds pie (for some strange reason she rallied for 1 day and then lapsed into a coma).

Made me smile too. The last thing my grandma tasted was a salad we were making - she said it needed more salt
But my best memory is the last time we got her out of bed. My auntie and mum were being silly and dancing around, like in the good old days, and grandma had the best smile on her face. Kind of serene sadness and love. That is my memory. It helps that I have photos.

Desperate_Housewife_2-2

Hi Bloomin freezin,

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss and wanted to lend my support.
My experience when I went to see my parents in the chapel of rest was upsetting but as I wasn't there when they died I needed 'proof' that they were dead. When I kissed my dad he was very cold (which I didn't expect).

Even though it was difficult, I'm glad that I went to say a last goodbye but everyone is different so listen to your own feelings and try to decide what you are comfortable doing as the image of your loved one stays in your mind for a long long time.

Try not to go alone if you can as you will need the support of someone who loves you and will probably need to talk about it to them afterwards.

Whatever you decide to do I hope it all goes well and helps you in your grieving process. It takes at least a year to learn to live with the grief of losing someone close so take it easy and be kind to yourself.

God bless. DH

bloomin_freezing

Hi Folks

A bit of a half way update....

I've read all of your posts and apreciate each and every one of them. I have decided not to see him after all. I am still going to the Funeral Directors on Thursday but I shall be dropping off the letter and photo, his flat cap and Chelsea Scarf to be put with him. This will give me great comfort.

I worry that if I did see him it would tarnish my memory of him for a long time. As I said before, when I think of him I can see him at his house, smiling and happy to see me, even though the last time I saw him was in hospital. My happier memory is the strongest and I daren't risk losing this.

I also think if I visit him, when it comes to his funeral on Friday I will keep picturing him in the coffin a few feet away from me. Now I know he will be there, but if I haven't seen him I can almost pretend that he's not there and the whole dying thing is just a conspiracy and he's actually run away with one of the nurses from the hospital, and is living in Hawaii or somewhere.

Once again, thank you all for your posts and your best wishes. They mean a lot to me. This is a wonderful thread and I hope it can help out somebody else as it has done myself.

x

janiebaby29

lol thats a lovely post Blooming freezing ,
wish you well for friday

lemontart

No one can answer that question for you, as you must do what feels right for you.......it is a very personal thing.

My father passed away 3 yrs ago this week and I travelled down to see him in the chapel of rest a few days later with my mother, daughter and sister..........for each of us it meant something different - for me it was my chance to tell him I loved him and say good bye - I was a daddies girl but had not seen him for a few years for what now seems stupid reasons... for my younger sister it was a chance to say things that she was unable to do so in life, for my daughter well she never speaks of it and my mother well that is between them.

It was very painful and I sit here crying now but i was able to say a final goodbye.

Liz

suzukibabe

I know what a hard decision that is.

I went to see my mum in the chapel of rest i think because she died so suddenly and unexpectedly right in front of me, i had to go and make sure she was alright, even though i knew it was just her body lying there.
Two of my sisters came with me when i took a picture and some earrings in to the chapel of rest.
We went back a second time and took a comb and some hairshine spray and did her hair the best we could, ithink she would've liked that.
We also wanted to check that my mum's makeup was just right as she never wore much.
She actually looked quite regal, like the queen if you like and she looked younger and at peace, even though i kept expecting her to sit up and go boo!!
I'm glad i went to say goodbye properly.

You've got to do what's right for you.
My thoughts are with you xx

Errata

Bloom, that sounds like exactly the right decision for you. We took my FIL's cap to the undertakers for it to be put with him, as he 'never went anywhere without it', and we felt he would have appreciated it. I'm sure your grandad will be the same.

CharleneUK

BF I'm glad you've made a decision which is best for you.

My grandad passed away in November last year and it was just the most unbearable pain.

I didn't want to see him at the funeral directors either, but accompanied my mum and aunt as they wanted to take some pictures for my nan. They eventually convinced me to go in, and I just broke down. He didn't look like grandad at all (grandad always had a frown, bless him!) but he looked so young and peaceful, but just not my grandad.

My brain blanked the image out for a while, but we also had an open coffin as well, and for the longest time I couldn't remember what he looked like when he died, and was grateful really, because I didn't want that being the only image I remember of him.

Now, I remember both images, and am o.k with that. I have his picture on my mantel peace and I talk to him every day, and I can truly say, I will always remember what he looked like when he was alive and remember his smile and his laugh.

Sorry for going off...... Just wanted to share. Lots of hugs to you.
xxx

new_mum_again

Blooming freezin, hope you are ok sending you hugs, only read through a few posts before starting to cry!!!
My mum died of cancer nearly 2 years ago I was her carer when she was ill and was luckily with her when she died (she went into a hospice the day before but had always said she didnt want to be on her own when she died) We was due to go at 8.30 but something made us stay longer and she died just after 9.
As mum had cancer for over 20 mths we had the time to talk about everything she said she wanted me to go and see her but it was my choice, and even asked a very good friend of hers to make her a dress to be buried in (an egyptian one) I chose to go and see mum mainly because I hadnt seen her from the friday when she died until the day they had her body ready a few days later and I really missed seeing her!! My mum died about a month before her body gave in but when I saw her in the chapel she had no wrinkles just smooth skin and looked so pain free and 'at rest'. My memories are strong of her alive and I frequently dream of her and miss her every minute. Take care Im off to look at the photo of her and have another cry!!