Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

bloomin_freezing

I am posting this hoping for some sensitive advice from people who have experience of visiting a loved one after they have passed away.

My darling Grandad passed away at the beginning of the week and I have an opportunity to see him at the funeral directors one day next week before the funeral.

I am devastated by the fact that I will never see him again. He died after a six week stay in hospital after contracting mrsa and then c-diff, which are not the reasons that he went in. I am really angry about this fact, but thats a whole different story.

The reason I am asking for you to share your experiences is I really cannot decide what is for the best, to go and see him or not. I know that this decision is a personal one that really only I can make but I have never been faced with this situation before.

I last saw him 4 weeks ago, I haven't dared to visit him since the mrsa was diagnosed as I have a toddler under 2 years old and I just couldn't risk going into hospital and bringing and bugs out with me. I know grandad would've understood this, and the last time I saw him alive I told him I loved him so I was happy that I had the opportunity to tell him whilst he was still able to hear me.

He had lost a lot of weight from when I last saw him to when he died. He only weighed approx 7 stone when he died and my mum has told me looks nothing like his normal self.

If I do go to see him next week I know nothing will prepare me for how different he will look, and it will be terribly upsetting and I will never forget it, but if I do not go I know I will never have the opportunity again to see him again for the final time.

I would appreciate any experiences people wish to share on this personal matter. Feel free to PM if you wish.

Thanks

FleetFanatic

I went to see my dad when he passed away.
I hated every moment of it, mainly cos his death was sudden & unexpected,
my brother turned to drink to deal with it and I was left to arrange everything.

Having said that I would have always regretted it if I had not have gone.

lipsthefish

Hi Blooming Freezin
I am sorry for your sad loss and I know the decision you are having to make is a hard one. On a personal level I chose to go and see my dad in the chapel of rest along with my nephews, originally I went as no-one else was prepared to take my nephews and they couldn't go alone but afterwards I was so glad I went. The last time I had saw my dad was when he actually died and I had this awful image of him in my head but seeing him at peace in the chapel of rest made me feel so much better, he was buried in his football strip and he just looked like 'dad', not like the poorly dad we had got used to in the hospital if you know what I mean. I would have a good think about it anyway but be assured its not as scary or awful as it seems at first, its lovely and peaceful.
Best wishes

Tam_Lin

I saw my Dad but while he was at the hospital. It didn't look like him; I was struck by how still and waxlike he looked. I'm not sure if it helped me or not, to be honest.

liz105

can you sit quietly and imagine yourself 1 year in the future and how you feel about either choice? Does that make sense? See which scenario in your mind makes you feel happy/sad.

One thing I would say, my instant gut reaction to your post... Perhaps keep your last memory of him as the one where he is alive and you told him you loved him, would that be better? As you say, he will look different at the funeral home, that shock may last with you a very long time.

Personally I would find it too hard. You can always visit him after the funeral? or perhaps if its a cremation maybe there a special place you can go to 'speak' to him?

Vashti

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't go and see him. You are only thinking about seeing him again because that's what we do isn't it, we go and see our loved ones one final time, and part of you wonders if you can believe he is really dead unless you see him.

I know it has been said hundreds of times...but it really would be better to remember him the way he was. Do you have any faith at all? If you do, you will know that everything that made him 'him'...his smile, his energy, his love... all of those things go on somewhere, we hope, and all that is left on this earth is an empty shell. Do you really need to see that empty shell? he isn't there you know.

I went to see a relative - my B-I-L, who died when he was 30. I sort of went for my husbands sake, but I really, really wish I had not gone.

Maybe just me, but you asked for opinions....

What ever you decide to do will be the right decision for you.
x

Karrie

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was 16 when my dad died and was asked if I would like to see him in the Chapel of Rest. At first, I said "of course I don't!" but then something made me change my mind and to this day, I am so glad I did. He died away from home and unexpectedly. He was behind a partitioning with a glass window. He looked so peaceful. It was my chance to say goodbye.

When my ex's dad died, he didn't want to see his dad. He died in hospital before my ex could get there. He too changed his mind and he was glad that he did. He was able to touch his dad and kiss his forehead.

It's a very personal decision and I wish you all the best.

honey

I am really sorry for the loss of your Grandad x

About 12 years ago I went to see my Gramps after he had died, he had lost a lot of weight through his illness and really didn't look like my Gramps. It was a long time before I could picture him any other way.

I chose not to see my Pap after he died two years ago, I don't regret that decision.

I do have very happy memories of them both.

My thoughts are with you xx

winnie81

I am reallt sorry to hear of your loss

Nearly 2 years ago my dad died from a sudden massive heart attack and it was a very hard time. I initially decided that I wasn't going to see him but I changed my mind and did go to see him and I am glad I did.

To be honest it wasn't my dad there really as his body looked so different from what he always did look like if that makes sense. But it gave me a chance to say what I needed to say and kiss him goodbye which I needed to do. It brought me peace to see him and helped me accept he had finally gone.

I am sure that whatever you decide will be right for you x

My thoughts are with you and your family x

Claire x

pusscat

I lost my Mum to cancer 18 months ago. I chose not to see her body as she was so ill there was not really much left. What was there was just a shell, it was not my Mum - she lives on in my memory and I felt no need to go and see her.

However, I have had to deal with seeing other relatives in the past and it is not bad really, it is kind of like looking at a waxwork - something is not quite right about them, you recognise them, but they are not the person you knew - if that makes sense???

On a practical level, (in my experience) the undertakers normally cover most of the body (especially if there is any damage) and you really only get to see head and shoulders - also, if you touch the person it feels cold and smooth, a bit like plastic rather than flesh. There is no life and no soul (or whatever you believe in) so to me it was just a practical thing that needed to be done and had very little emotional input.

If your last memory is a nice one - of being happy and talking to the person you loved then in all honesty I would not go and see him unless you feel very strongly about it - keep the good memory and remember him the way you want to.

I guess the real answer depends on you - but my advice is if your last memory is good then don't bother, if your last memory is of someone in pain and is not good then it may be helpful to see them at peace.

Sorry for your loss - whatever you decide will be right for you

Stay strong

Puss

XX

lab-lover

I can only offer my thoughts from my mothers situation. When her mum passed away she went to chapel of rest and after she had she wished she hadnt.She wishes she had only memories of her when she was alive.I didnt go to see my gran(i was 19 at the time) and I dont regret not going at all.

Maybe it is best you dont go, but that just my opinion.

Sorry for your loss. Remember the decision you make will be the right one. xxxxx