Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

BrokeBrunette

firstly, let me say how truly sorry I am for your loss.

I almost didn't post to this thread because I honestly believe this is a decision only you can make, based on what is in your heart.

I lost my darling dad 12 years ago. I was with him when he died but went to see him in the Chapel of Rest, because all my siblings and mum were going and it felt the right thing to do. To this day I wish I hadn't. It didn't look like my lovely dad laying there and I was totally distraught when I came out, however my sisters and mum all felt much better for going, and were really pleased they went.

I then lost my beloved mum a few months ago. Again I was lucky enough to be with her when she died and I had already made the decision in my head that I wasn't going to see her in the Chapel of Rest because I still had the memories of seeing dad, even all these years later. I was the only member of my family who didn't go, and a few months down the line, I still feel I made the right decision for me. I gave my sisters some personal things that I wanted mum to have with her and they placed them in her coffin for me.

I wish someone could wave a wand and make the right decision for you, but it really is something only you can decide. Whatever decision you make won't change the love you feel for your grandad, and you will have the funeral to say your goodbyes as well. I know my mum understands why I didn't go and see her, and what is important is that she knew how much I loved her and miss her every day. I spent every minute I could with her before she died, and to me that is far more precious and important than seeing her in the Chapel of Rest. There are no right or wrong decisions in such sad circumstances. If you asked my sisters they would say go and see your grandad.

All I would say is have no regrets whatever you choose to do, because as I said before there is no right and wrong decision. Sending you my best wishes and I hope whatever you choose to do, you are happy that you did the best thing for you. Don't let others sway your decision.

Quietgirl

I am very sorry for your loss. Here s my story. My nanna died last year at the age of 91. I had no intention of seeing her in the chapel of rest. However i was keep an eye on my mum i followed her without any idea were she was going with my cousin. I followed them through a door and through that door was my nan. My nan would ve thought this funny knowing her humour and she would of said trust you. But it was the best thing i did. To me her body didn t look like her it was just basically an empty shell. I would like to think that my nan s sprit had gone on to a better place. Seeing her also made me realise as i have a fear like most people of dying and being buried alive or whatever but seeing her, the first time i had ever seen someone dead, it made me realise that she definately had gone and there was no doubt. I felt that person there was not my nan, her skin was different, everything was different.

Penny_Watcher

So sorry for your loss (((((hugs)))))

There's no right or wrong answer to this. I've seen a few people who have passed away and reacted differently each time.

My Gran died quite quickly of cancer. Because she was estranged from my Mum (her daughter) I was with her throughout her final illness. It was very traumatic as I was very close to Gran and she was the first person I loved who had died.

She passed away in a hospice. They invited me to come and see her an hour or so after she died. She looked so peaceful in the beautiful sunlit bedroom, just as if she was asleep and all the pain had gone from her face. I'm really glad I went to see her.

My MIL also died of cancer. I went to the funeral home with OH to view her body about a week after she passed away. Not a pleasant experience, but I didn't have the same emotional attachment as I did to my Gran.

Most recently my best friends husband died last year from cancer. Deeply, deeply traumatic to see him just after he died. (BF called me to be with her for support.) He had been quite a big man during his life, but his body was emaciated and waxy very soon after death.

Oh flip - now I'm crying

So, there's isn't a right answer. Seeing your Granddad's body might help you say good-bye properly, but it might leave you with an image that you'd want to forget. Sometimes if someone has been really ill it helps you to mourn when you see your loved one at peace.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

PW
xx

seven-day-weekend

I did not go to see either my parents, my husband's parents or my sister in the chapel of rest.

I did see my Dad and my MIL in the hospital after they had died.

It was entirely my choice not to see them in the Chapel of Rest,- I wanted to remember them how they were when they were alive; especially my FIL who was only 55 when he died. When my sister died I was here in Spain anyway, she'd had Alzheimers for years (she was 20 years older than me) and my sister had disappeared a long time ago, it was a happy release for her and her family.

This was my choice and I have never regretted it.

belfastgirl23

Very sorry to hear about your loss.

It's very normal in Ireland to not only see the body but spend large amounts of time with it. We have wakes where the body comes back to the house for 2-3 days and relatives and friends visit. the first thing they do is take you in to see the body and you either say a prayer or pretend to say a prayer if you're not religious, then get into a discussion about how well they look or how their suffering is over. It's a bit of a ritual really. In a lot of ways though it's very comforting, it means that death is demystified a bit. And you know for absolute sure that the person is gone and not coming back, which is upsetting but also necessary. Wakes are also often regarded as 'good crack' through all the tears, there are funny memories of the dead person and people will tell stories about them etc.

When my gran died she came back to her house for 3 days. My brother and I stayed there all of this time (my mum needed some time away) and I am so glad I did it. I feel like in a weird way it was a really special time, she was there and not there. I'd say if you want to do it, try to allow enough time that you get to feel comfortable with the body being there, I think it's doing it all quickly and traumatically that makes it harder. It was also good because she had had cancer and in the last few weeks of her life looked just like a sick old person rather than my gran. In the coffin she didn't look like the gran I remembered but looked like pictures of herself as a very young woman which was somehow reassuring. I really feel glad I spent this time with her. But also lucky that I knew I had a few days so could take things at my own pace.

Just go easy on yourself and don't do anything unless you feel comfortable. Also I find now I feel very lucky to have had my gran in my life even though she's been gone a few years now. We are fortunate people to have such nice memories!

snails's_pace

bloomin_freezing wrote: »

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing such personal experiences with me. I am 99% sure that I will go as I will never be able to turn the clock back and could regret this.
As mentioned I think I will also write grandad a letter so if its all to much to deal with and I am unable to speak to him I can leave the letter for him to take with him.
I cannot prepare myself for the sight I will see as to how different he will look, nor can I imagine the emotions which will overcome me but I think I have to do this. This will be my closure, because as I do know that he has passed and I will not see him again, I still can't quite believe that he has truly gone. Does that make sense?

op, you will probably find he looks as though he is sleeping and he will appear very peaceful. He has passed on in the sense that physically you wont see him again,but it will be a comfort to you to know that you can see him in your memories and he will always be with you in the only place where he can't leave you...and thats your heart

Queenie

Firstly, my sincere condolences.

It's toughie, but ... go with your heart!!

In my lifetime, I have seen dead people in my situations. When it comes to a loved one, the one thing I *will* say is this:

I've held the hands of loved one's as they have died. In each case, they had been physically altered by illness. I have visited loved one's in the chapel of rest. They are the shell of the person only.

Initially, as that is the last image of them you have, yes, you may, at first, only be able to see them in your minds eye as they were that final time.

Time passes. Grief abates. When you think of the person you love, you remember them as they *were* when they were fit, healthy, laughing, doing! The one image of them at the chapel of rest lessens simply because your mind has many, many other images and memories of better times.

Go with your heart.

If you should decide to go and you do find, perhaps, that the final image is praying on your mind - then go over photo's of happier times to reinforce those memories. Maybe compose a scrapbook of photo's and journal those precious memories for posterity.

Different people react in a whole variety of ways when they visit their loved one's after they have died. Do not be too hard on yourself if you find it distressing - but likewise, maybe you *won't* find it as distressing as you fear; in which case, don't feel guilty if you are not devastated!!

Most take great comfort in seeing their loved one, one final time, and it most definately helps with the grieving process and coming to terms with the fact they have gone.

I know you will do whatever is right *for you* ((hugs))

JennyW_2

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss

I can only comment on my experiences but have visited by my nan and father at the chapel of rest.

My nan died 13 years ago and my father only 3 years ago. My nan looked beautiful and peaceful - so at rest and I'm glad I saw her. Her skin looked so smooth and she somehow looked much younger.

My father's death was sudden and unexpected so all the more traumatic however I had absolutely no hesitations in visiting him. I saw him twice in the chapel of rest and once in the hospital chapel. Again, he looked at peace and as handsome as I remembered him. I even noticed his long eyelashes. The funeral directors dress the deceased very well and they even asked us how he styled his hair so they could do they same. They will also dress him in clothes of your choice - we provided them with a suit. They will make your grandfather look beautiful too.

It makes me weep now just thinking of visiting my dad

I would've regretted it badly if I hadn't of gone. I have carry guilt and anger without the extra burden of not visiting him but this is my personal feeling.

To add, visiting him in the chapel will also give you a chance to say goodbye - I wrote my father a lovely long letter, telling him how I felt and how much I loved him (now I'm really crying), and placed it in his pocket, along with a photo of us both.

bloomin_freezing

once again, thank you to everyone on this subject. I have just sat down and wrote my grandad a letter which I will take next thursday, which is the day I plan to see him. I have asked my mum to make sure he has a photo of him with my nanny to take with him too (she died 24 years ago when i was only 3), there is a particular photo that he would get me to move about everytime I saw him at home so he could see it properly from his chair, which is where he spent most of the last 10 years after his first stroke. I hope that i find the comfort i am hoping for after seeing him. The difference in his appearance will shock me, as he had only lost a little weight when i last saw him but i need to remember that he has moved on and will be back with my nanny again now and for that I have to try and smile through my tears.
Thank you again to each and everyone of you who has posted, if i could come and hug you all i wouldn't hesitate to do so.

x

moozikgal

Hi Bloom,

I know how hard it is. I have lost my grandparents on both sides and my dad who passes away last year. I did not want to go and see them although i was offered. My memories of my dad are happy ones and that is what kept me going though the tough times.

My dad did not believe in paying over the odds for a funeral where everyone was sad and had made it very clear to us that we were to do it as cheaply and quickly as possible when the time came. It did come sooner than everyone expected as he had a sudden heart atack at the age of 56.

With the funeral directors, we asked if we could make our own way to the crem. we did not want a precession, but wanted to drive my dads car and make or own way there at our own pace. The place was 36 miles from my mums house and the funeral home charged over the odds per mile which was one of the other reasons that we chose not to do it.

Driving along the bypass going to the service, a funeral car pulls out from the slip road in front of us, its my dad! We ended up having the precession but not paying for it as we were driving. We think it was my dads idea of a joke, he would have found this very funny and we all were in tears by the time we got to the service, but from laughter!!

Thats how i remeber him and i think that if i had gone to see him my memories would not be the same.

I hope everything goes well on the day. it can be one of the most exausting times i found.

Big hugs
xx