Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

janiebaby29

blooming freezing
i have Pm'd you also

bella4uk

When my ex died suddenly aged 34, I went to visit him, I went alone as I wanted to see if it would help the children but wanted to check he looked ok.....when i got there iwas frozen with fear and could not go in the room, the lovely guy who worked there came in with me......It was awful, but mainly because I was expecting to see him fully clothed just lying whereas in fact all that was on show was his face and neck in a most uncomfortable position, his friend who was livid about this commented on how he looked like a fairground attraction!
Through the awfulness it helped me to realise that this was just a shell and his soul was elsewhere but the experience shocked me to the core and 4 years on still distresses me ...but i would still be distressed anyway regardless if I had gone or not.
I took the decision not to to let the children go as I believe they would have been traumatised about it and the death alone has been traumatic enough.
I would rather regret something I had done than something I hadn't.

barjam_2

bella4uk wrote: »

When my ex died suddenly aged 34, I went to visit him, I went alone as I wanted to see if it would help the children but wanted to check he looked ok.....when i got there iwas frozen with fear and could not go in the room, the lovely guy who worked there came in with me......It was awful, but mainly because I was expecting to see him fully clothed just lying whereas in fact all that was on show was his face and neck in a most uncomfortable position, his friend who was livid about this commented on how he looked like a fairground attraction!
Through the awfulness it helped me to realise that this was just a shell and his soul was elsewhere but the experience shocked me to the core and 4 years on still distresses me ...but i would still be distressed anyway regardless if I had gone or not.
I took the decision not to to let the children go as I believe they would have been traumatised about it and the death alone has been traumatic enough.
I would rather regret something I had done than something I hadn't.

when my dad died 13 yrs ago he was like that , just the face showing they also cut his hair it was awful. so when my mam passed away i gave strict instructions do not touch her hair and i also made sure she was fully clothed right down to her funny little froggy socks (with wobbly eyes) as she got older she got more younger if you know what i mean she used to buy daft socks so thats how she was dressed and she would of loved that

susy_2

barjam wrote: »

when my dad died 13 yrs ago he was like that , just the face showing they also cut his hair it was awful. so when my mam passed away i gave strict instructions do not touch her hair and i also made sure she was fully clothed right down to her funny little froggy socks (with wobbly eyes) as she got older she got more younger if you know what i mean she used to buy daft socks so thats how she was dressed and she would of loved that

When my father died, we chose his clothes, and because we had never really seen him without his thick black rimmed glasses, we insisted that he should be wearing these when we went to visit him. The undertakers (for whatever reason) were very against the glasses, however we were adamant.

It was the right thing for us to do, as he looked more like our 'old dad' with his specs on. Wouldn't have recognised him at all without.

Poppy9

janiebaby29 wrote: »

i'm debating whether to see my dad who passed away on the 11th april , i was with him as he took his last breath , i still cannot shake that image from my mind and its usaully the last thing in my mind before i go to sleep .
his funeral is on the 27th and i'm in two minds wheter to see him in the chapel of rest .

I was with my mother when she took her last breaths too and it was not what I expected. It did disturb me for a while but it has faded with time. I didn't go and see either of my parents in the chapel of rest as I didn't want to remember them in foreign surroundings. Almost 20 years on I don't regret my decision, but it is a very personal one. I choose to remember my mother sitting up in her bed 4 days before she died eating my shepherds pie (for some strange reason she rallied for 1 day and then lapsed into a coma). After she had died the Macmillan nurses dressed her and combed her hair and we all sat and prayed with her for a while. This was my closure. My OH went to see his father last year in the chapel of rest, I think to satisfy his curiousity that he looked ok. He found it gave him closure.

My father died suddenly and I found him dead in bed. It was only when I got up close that I realised he had died. Again I choose to remember him from the day before he died. Happy and chatting.

You will know the right decision for you. Trust your instincts and don't feel forced into any decision.

janiebaby29

i have decided to go and see him in the chapel of rest , i'm aware that he could look diffrernt ,
my mum does'nt want to see him but wants to know if he is ok , so i will do that for mum .

bella4uk

janiebaby29 wrote: »

i have decided to go and see him in the chapel of rest , i'm aware that he could look diffrernt ,
my mum does'nt want to see him but wants to know if he is ok , so i will do that for mum .

Best wishes X

JennyW_2

janiebaby - have pm'd you.

Penny_Watcher

Poppy9 wrote: »

I choose to remember my mother sitting up in her bed 4 days before she died eating my shepherds pie (for some strange reason she rallied for 1 day and then lapsed into a coma).

Oh Poppy, that made me smile

Poppy9

Penny_Watcher wrote: »

Oh Poppy, that made me smile

Why? Do you think my cooking killed her:rotfl: