Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

mom23

Hi

3 years ago my father died very suddenly.
He was fine in the day (painting the shed) but had a few pains in his stomach which got worse as the day wore on got him an appointment at the doctors (where we had to sit for ages:mad: ) when he finally got seen he was rushed to hospital and within hours underwent an operation which he didn't survive (he was just 68) he died of an aortic anueresym(sp)

As we left the house to go to doctors we never expected him not to return, i think he thought he just had indigestion!!

Anyway the next day we had to go back to hospital to sort things out and were able to see him, this was the most horrendous thing i have ever done, the hospital had not "dressed" him it was prob just as he had died on the operating table it was awful.it was not my dad.

When we had the chance to see him at the funeral home i went (although i was very aprehensive) i was the only one ( my mum couldn't, she couldn't face it neither could any of my brothers, but one of the funeral directors came in with me) i had to get that awful image at the hospital out of my head , he looked more like my dad again (just looked like he was asleep),it also gave me peace of mind that the letters the children had written him were in his hand.

I feel that had i not gone in to see him i would of regretted it, also (i know this prob sounds silly) i could not bear the fact that he had been all dressed up and no one went to see him IFYKWIM

It is still hard even after 3 years.
Big Hugs

trallis23

hi im sorry for your loss, i lost my grandad 18months ago and i went to see him in the chapel of rest i also didnt visit him in hospital i was supposed to be going to see him the day after he passed away, i felt incredibly guilty and had to go and say goodbye in some ways im glad that i did but i also cant get the image and smell(preservative) out of my mind i kissed him and said goodbye which i am glad about but it still upsets me now when i look back!! again im sorry for your loss.

fabwitch_2

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and do hope you have lots of happy memories to look back on to help you through this sad time. When my Nan died I went to see her in the chappel of rest. I wanted to go on my own so I could say Goodbye and just chat to her about our lifes. I am so glad I went, Obviously my Nan was cold to touch and I wanted to make her walmer,sounds strange I know. I felt it was important to be there but realise it is a very difficult decission to make. My brother or any of my cousins went to see her and despite having bad brochitis that day I traveled for two hours to go. My Grandad was pleased I went. I believe my Nan is up in Heaven and just wanted that time in the chapel of rest with her to let her know that I still loved her and would see her again one day. I too kissed my Nan goodbye and felt at ease doing so.I am glad I went and had the oppertunity to be alone withmy Nan befoe her funeral.I know if I had not gone I would have regretted it.

chookwoose

Hugs and sympathy for OP and everyone.

My father-in-law died suddenly 5 years ago from a heart attack, aged 52, my husband go the call from his brother(who was not on speaking terms with) that he had died. As we lived hundreds of miles away and the saddest part was that him and my mother-in-law were travelling up to visit us and their two granddaughters that very day, it was complete disbelief.

When we travelled down for the cremation we were offered to visit him in the chapel, it was a hard choice for my husband and me to make, in the end we needed to see him to believe he had died, as we hadn't lived near them and seen them recently it was hard to take in. As we walked in we broke down, as we realised it was true, he looked asleep but we picked up on his colour as the makeup was a bit patchy and that upset my hubby even more. But we talked to him and told him we loved him, and in the end it helped us come to terms with his death, although to this day the image never leaves us.

Be strong and I hope it all goes well for you next week, thinking of you,

Sorry for the long post xx

prettypennies

Sorry to hear about your Grandad.

As other posters have said you must really go with what feels comfortable with you, but I thought I would share my experience with you.

My Grandad died at the age of 79 three years ago. He had been in a lot of pain and lost a lot of weight before he died. I had seen him just before he passed away and he was as weak as a kitten.

After he died I wasn't sure whether or not to go and see him I spoke to the funeral director who was a friend and he reassured me that it would not be a bad experience. I am so glad I saw him as he looked so peaceful despite having lost weight he looked more how he did before he was ill. I think because he had suffered so much before passing away, it was a relief to seem him looking so serene.

donna73

sorry to hear of your loss, my grandad died the day before good friday, so i know what you are going through.

personally i didnt want to see him, as he had always been such a happy lively character, and thats what i wanted to remember him as. and i was worried that if i had seen him that would be the image that stuck in my head.

its a personal decision that only you can make.

focus on all your good memories of him to help you get through this difficult time
donna

beemuzed

So sorry to hear about your loss. Difficult decision for you. When my son died I saw him within minutes and that was fine. However, as he had had an accident I had to formally identify him for the police three days later after a postmortem and it wasn't him at all. My husband didn't want to see him at all and has sometimes regretted it. When my mother-in-law died I saw her, but felt very strongly that my husband would hate it - and he was happy to take my advice. If you feel very strongly that you will regret it if you don't then you should go ahead - but it might be more helpful to keep your memory as it was in life. This is such a difficult time for you - try to focus on positive memories.

barjam_2

i am so sorry about your loss my hubby lost his brother coming up 2 yrs now and then i lost my mam 11 weeks later i went to see my bil but when it came the time to see my mam as the above post beemuzed said i got my hubby to go in 1st and make the decision for me, his decision was no so i took that decision, i never regretted seeing my bil but i also never regretted seeing my mam i see her in my head everyday and thats great for me

just try to think if you do go you may/maynot regret it but it also goes for if you dont go aswel

thinking of you

janiebaby29

i'm debating whether to see my dad who passed away on the 11th april , i was with him as he took his last breath , i still cannot shake that image from my mind and its usaully the last thing in my mind before i go to sleep .
his funeral is on the 27th and i'm in two minds wheter to see him in the chapel of rest .

bloomin_freezing

janiebaby29 wrote: »

i'm debating whether to see my dad who passed away on the 11th april , i was with him as he took his last breath , i still cannot shake that image from my mind and its usaully the last thing in my mind before i go to sleep .
his funeral is on the 27th and i'm in two minds wheter to see him in the chapel of rest .

Janiebaby29, i have pm'd you.

x