Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

clarew

repeating what everyone said before me, its a tough decision only you have to make.

My dad died on christmas eve 98, following surgery. we were with him when he died. due to time of year, the earliest funeral we could book was jan4th.

We went to the funeral home early jan, i was 23 and was my 1st personal close death in the family-i went to see dad as the rest of my family did, but dumb as it sounds, i hadn't imagined him to be actually in the coffin (thought he may be lying on a bed/table etc), and his face shape seemed different.
basically i felt it didn't look like my dad, and i cried lots at home about it afterwards.

I have managed to blank the memory of how he looked very well now, and always just remember him as he was instead. i would never do it again though, sometimes its better to have a good pleasant memory of the person.

but again it is a personal decision-others who hadn't seen dad for a while went, and were glad they had.

jamgirl

my grandad died 14 years ago and i didn't feel able to visit him in the chapel of rest.
my nana died in january of this year and once again i took the decision not to see her in the chapel.

i have never regretted the decision.
i have memories of both of them and personally don't think i could have coped seeing them after they had died.

i hope you are able to find the right decision for you

ilovegreatdanes

my grandma passed away on 4th and was the cremation on monday.i thought i was fine until i walked into the crem for the service.as soon as i looked at the coffin, i broke down.please accept my condolences.i know what you are going through.
my gran brought me up for a few years while my mum worked.i tried to think of all the good times and instead of death, i try to think of it as a celebration of her life and how much she enriched mine.
my mum went to the chapel of rest and said she wished she hadnt cos it did not look like my gran.she said in hindsight she wished their last meeting was when she said goodbye in hospital(although there were complications as always.....)
i didnt go to hospital as i couldnt bear the sight of her in such pain as my last memory.
whatever your decision, i know it will be the right one.
god bless.xxx

bloomin_freezing

i'm just going to bump this thread as i think that you have all said some very kind, thought provoking words that have certainly helped me.

If theres a chance that someone else is in the same position as me I want it to help them also.

x

anonymousie

Sending hugs to all who need them reading this thread.

Just to say that I personally think we have developed a great taboo any mystery around death and dead bodies, which is really not what has happened historically when people washed/layed out family members and kept them at home till funerals etc.

Providing a death wasn't due to awful trauma etc I would tend to say that, whilst the choice is yours, if you are wavering then go and see them. I see dead bodies a lot with work, and they aren't scary or anything, the "waxwork"is very apt. Funeral parlours do have a certain smell etc but it is not horrid.

I would, for instance support my children (at any age above toddlerhood) seeing the body of someone important to them.

I guess I am influenced by the fact that my mums grandparents were funeral directors, and my Nan and Pa, when I was a child/teen were buried by family, which was a lovely way to go. It also mean that we kids got to tour the coffin making bits and see the photos of funerals past with horses etc too.

Errata

Hello Bloom, sorry to read your sad news. Other posters have written that their relatives looked plastic, waxy or like a waxwork. The reason for this is that when someone is dead circulation stops and blood obeys the laws of gravity and pools at the back of the body, so the face and front of the body is literally drained of blood and has no colour. This is why some undertakers put a little makeup on the person, and of course some families ask for it. This can look a bit odd on an elderly lady who hasn't worn makeup for years and rather peculiar on an elderly man.
Other posters have written that the person didn't look 'themselves'. We are used to seeing the face of our loved one animated with expression, and even when they're asleep we still know they are 'there'. A face with no expression at all can look very strange to those who aren't used to seeing the person like that.
It's an individual choice. My choice is not to do it, and I'm thought very strange as I also avoid funerals. I choose to remember the person as they were when they were alive - happy, grumpy, boring, laughing......whatever, and sometimes funerals sound like they're are being conducted about some kind of saint, not the person that actually lived their life with all its colours, experiences and emotions. Hope this makes sense.

VickyA_2

Oh you poor thing. You have my deepest sympathies.

This time last year, my grandpa was in hospital - initially with pneumonia and they think that he also contracted c-diff. He died on 29th April.

I was with my mum, my DH and grandpa at the hospital. We all knew that he was slipping away and the very very lovely nurse said just a couple of minutes before he went "Your grandpa is dying, it won't be very long. Do you want to stay with him?" I couldn't stay. My mum did it on her own, with the nurse. My mum didn't resent me leaving, she just knew that I couldn't cope (as I was sobbing down the ward being led by another nurse and my DH).

It was all over very quickly and I was offered to go back and see him. Again, I said no as I just wanted to remember him as he was. My mum went to see him when he was at the funeral home, but I just couldn't bring myself to do the "open coffin stuff". Sorry to be so flippant, but that's how we coped as a family.

I don't regret not seeing him. His last memories on this earth included me and my preparations for my wedding.

That was the best thing for me. You can only do the best thing for you.

Take care at this very very difficult time. x

bagby

Sorry you're having a sad time

I was 17 (thirty years ago) and saw my gran at the chapel of rest just before the funeral. I was with my mam and auntie and not wanting to upset anyone followed them both in to see my gran. Whenever a fleeting memory comes back of my gran I can always picture her at the chapel of rest and I have to make a concerted effort to picture her elsewhere. I also saw my dad in hospital and again this is a memory that keeps coming back. Ive now decided that I'd rather remember people in the good times but I do know that other people get great comfort from this. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

dawnybabes

Hi

Heres a hug (((( )))) for you.

My Grandad died 13 years ago and I didn't really want to see him but went along as moral support for my sister - I so regretted that - it wasn't my Grandad there, he'd had a stroke 30 yrs previoulsy and had not been able to use his right hand side at all and in the coffin they'd combed his hair to the right and placed him holding his left hand with his right hand which in life he just could not do.

My brother in law died suddenly 4 years ago at 33 and I went to see him and he looked so peaceful and I was so pleased I went to see him. I got the chance to say goodbye, give him a hug and a kiss. My OH did not go and see him, he said he didn't need the memories.

To this day neither of us regrets our choices so you can only do what is right for you - there is no right and wrong in this.

Curious_George_2

Sorry for your (and everyone elses) losses, all i can do is add my bit....
my best friend (aged 30) died very suddenly one night nearly 3 years ago now and the decision of wether i should go and see her or not was possibly one of the hardest ive ever made,
infact... outside the funeral home i had to phone my boyfriend to get him to tell me i was strong enough to walk through the doors.

It was a shock when i first saw her and i did automatically cry but once i had "got used" to the situation i was able to touch the coffin (I could not bring myself to touch her, i didnt not even want to think about how cold she would be) and me and a friend spoke to her, tucked letters and photos into the coffin and we even ended up with the giggles.... ok, that sounds bizarre... ill explain! i said it looked like she was asleep and that any moment she would sit up and scare the pants off me.... at that moment the automatic plug in air freshener went off right next to me with a loud PPPFFFFTTTTTT noise and i must of jumped about 6 foot!

there were things that looked 'wrong' and you have to be prepared for that, at the time i saw my friend she had been dead for nearly 2 weeks (she had been kept for too many tests and autopsys thanks to her early and unexplained death) she had 2 darkening patches on her face which they could not cover properly with make up, her hair was done wrong (she would have had a fit!!) and the cover she had on her (that came up to her chin to hide the scars) looked like a giant heavy lace wedding dress (that she would never have worn but we joked that her mother had put on her as a final insult!) but the more i looked at her the more she looked herself....
and it really helped,
I left that place happier than i had been in weeks, i felt like i had said goodbye properly and even though i can still see her laying in that box, that is far from the first memory that comes rushing back to me when i think of her.
i have to say though... the only time that image of her ever bothered me was at the burial the day after, ive always been able to detach myself from the coffin at a funeral.... i mean, you know they are in there but as you havent seen it yourself, you can imagine its different.... but not this time, I could see her being lowered into the hole, almost like they were doing it with the lid off, but who knows... i might have visualised that anyway

but all in all, if i could go back i would definitely do it all again.
its a real catch 22, if you do go, it could affect you differently than it did for me, but if you dont go you will probably always wonder if you should have.

sorry for the long post