Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

snails's_pace

Sorry to hear the sad news op.
all I can say,from a professional point of view,being a nurse, Ive seen and dealt with a lot of grieving relatives pondering the same question. This decision is only yours to make. If your dear granddad is best remembered to you in your memories only,then leave it as it is.
However,some people find it part of the grieving process to visit their lost loved ones before the funeral, its a very personal moment, and often people find it necessary to say things to them they could not when that person was alive, or maybe just to express their inner most feelings.
Whatever you decide, it will be the best for YOU. And remember, he's always with you

Agutka

I'm sorry for your loss.

Where I come from it is traditional to hold services and vigils with the dead. It is our way of saying goodbye and making sure they have a good journey. When my grandma died I was glad to see her looking peaceful, after watching her suffer for many weeks.
And when I lost my beloved grandad I was much more sorry to have seen him suffering in hospital in the final days than after he died. At least when they laid him out, he looked like my grandad, if thinner.

Maybe you can decide on the day - get someone to go in first and see how he looks.

That is just my experience. And any images you may see should in time be displaced by just the memories of the man you loved. They come back on your dreams anyway...

Spendless

Hi, My Grandad died 2 weeks before my mums best friend did. I had never seen anyone dead before, I chose to see my Grandad, but the image remained with me for quite a long time afterwards, though eventually it does go.

For the above reason, I decided not to see mums best friend, and for a very long time I could not accept she had really gone. Eventually though I also came to terms with this.

The decision is yours but I thought my experience may be of some use.

silvercar

Sorry for your loss at this time.

I wouldn't go. Whenever I have lost loved ones, the memory of the time I last saw them sticks in my mind, eventually other memories come back but that takes a while. Even 20 years on, I can remember how my grandfather looked just before the end - I wish I didn't have that memory.

If you do go you will always have that picture in your mind, even if its filed away and other happier memories are there, its a picture you don't need to have IMHO.

I always thought of the funeral as a time to stay good-bye.

inkie

Sending you (((hugs))). I lost my mum suddenly eight years ago. I never even contemplated going to see her, particularly as the circumstances that she had died in meant that she would not have looked like my mum anyhow.

Hope you make the right decision for you.

Purdy_1

I lost 2 relatives within 5mths of eachother. One I saw in the Chapel of Rest, the other i last saw 3 weeks before she died. I have a lasting memory of coffins, the smell of the chapel and how different the person looked to how they did in life and TBH I still have nightmares 9yrs on. The other person however, whom I did not see after they died, I do not have nightmares about.

It is a personal choice. I would not go through it again.

susy_2

My dad died many years ago from cancer. I went to see him with my brother who was very nervous. My brother had not been present when he died because it was just too distressing for him.

I went in first because my brother was unsure. I was struck by two things.

He was so small. He had obviously lost more weight in the previous months than we had realised.
His face was so smooth and unlined, he looked totally at peace. He looked as he had in a photo taken many, many years previously.

It helped my brother a lot to have seen him, and because of the great pain he had suffered before his death, I found it cathartic.

I can still 'see' the scene of that day, but it does not upset me. I also have many memories of when he was alive and no one memory takes precedant.
Strangely enough, I find hearing the music we chose for his funeral bothers me more.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Everybody deals with things in their own way and I am sure that whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you. x

Peakma

When my grandma died she was old and had been deteriating for some time,was nearly blind,deaf and couldn't walk far.She was ready to die and we were all expecting it to be fairly soon.
I was actually camping the night she died,and I swear I looked up at the silence of the stars and heard her voice say to me"I'm going now love".And I knew she had died.
The next day I sat on the window sill of her living room for a little cry,looked over at the distant view of the Hallamshire hospital,where she'd died the night before,and a rainbow shone straight out of the top of it.That was my goodbye to her.I don't think she would of wanted us to go gawping at her dead body.I remember her as she was alive.
My family who did go,said they had put heavy make-up on her,which she never usually wore,and looked really funny! so I'm glad that I never saw her like that.
When my 16 year old brother died suddenly aged 16 I went straight to see him at my parents house before his body was moved.I also visited him in the mortuary.I don't think I would ever been able to accept it or believe it had I not seen it for myself.
I wish I hadn't gone to visit his body at the mortuary,he looked so wrong,they'd put him in a suit,I wonder to this day if he was cremated in that or his own clothes that he usually had on.And his eyes had sunk into his head,and he looked so dead.I wish i'd never seen him like that,because the image will never leave me.
Crying my eyes out now,sorry if too much detail there.I'm going to go start a happy thread now,to cheer up again!
Good luck deciding what to do,but it can only be your choice.

bottlered

I am sorry for your loss OP
I lost my beloved grancha several years ago now, & I still miss him with all my heart & soul

I initially decided not to go, then changed my mind that I should, & for me it was the right choice.
He looked so serene,so peaceful,finally free of pain and suffering.

RVK2

We lost my Grandad suddenly when a motorbike hit and killed him. I was 17 at the time and not allowed to visit him at the hospital while he was still alive but dying in effect. He'd left our family home one afternoon to walk the dog..the dog came back home alone that day.

I asked to see him in the chapel of rest, none of his children wanted to, but me and my cousin, then 15, did. It was a bit of a battle to get parental permission but if I'd not seen him then I'd never have believed he was dead and never coming home again.

It's a decision I do not regret, the visit was far too quick, rushed in and out and he did look odd with his teeth in lol. I'd have loved to stay for a chat and that is my only regret - that I didn't spend longer with him.

I can still see him in his coffin but my memories are of him very much alive cycling down the road to work and going off to bingo..and 22 years on there's not a day goes by when he's not in my thoughts.

It's very much a personal choice when you visit or not, but there is nothing to fear and take all the time you need.

Take care
RVK2