Seeing a relative after they have passed away (LONG)

ShockingPink

My Dad died 4 years ago (unexpectedly - on his 70th birthday!). I didn't want to see him at the Chapel of Rest, but on the day my Mum was due to visit him my sister was late, so I had no choice but to take her. Of course, when we got there she wanted me to see him as well.

I really wish I hadn't; to me, although he looked serene and was smartly dressed, he just didn't look like my Dad. My dad had a lot of broken veins in his face, so looked rosy. Once he'd died, these just weren't there. He just didn't look the way I'd want to remember him, and now I still get flashbacks of that view of him in the coffin.

On the other hand, my Mum and sister (when she finally got there!) were glad to have seen him, so it really is down to the individual. Oh - and on the day of the funeral I was confined to the kitchen as they had his open coffin in the living room for all the Catholic rellies to pay their respects!

I would say, just do what's best for you; you'll probably have some regrets either way.

shelly

I'm sorry to hear your sad news Bloom.

I agree with other posters that its a very personal decision to make and you have to do what feels right for you.

My Grandad died 18 years ago when I was only 13. I wanted to go and see him in the chapel of rest because he went very suddenly at home. My Mum didn't want me to go because she wasn't sure that she wanted to. She's one of 8 children so I said I'd go with the others. In the end she came with me and she's glad she did. I needed to say goodbye even though I knew he wasn't there anymore. He looked like Grandad only younger. I don't regret going at all.

My Nan (Grandad above...his wife) was rushed into hospital 5 years ago after suddenly becoming very confused. She was found to have had a stroke. She was in hospital for approx 2 weeks before passing away. We all knew it was coming and all 8 of her children were there, I was there too. It was awful seeing her in hospital not being able to speak, eat or do anything. When I said my final goodbye in the chapel of rest she looked much more like Nan. All her pain was gone from her face, she looked at peace and I was relieved to see her looking like the Nan I remember.

Everyone copes with death differently. I didn't get nightmares or anything after seeing both Grandparents after their deaths but a spooky book keeps me awake every nite for 2 weeks!!

I don't know what else to say Bloom. Think about it, decide what's best for you.

calleyw

I saw my MIL just minutes after she died. She looked so small. It was about 2am and she was in hospital so the only light she had on her was her over lamp.

My husband kissed her forehead and said goodbye. It was good we got there before his brothers could get there so he had a few minutes with her.

It looked so natural as if she was asleep. I personally don't think that I could have or my husband seen her in the chapel of rest as it seems so impersonal and she would have been cold.

You have to live what ever you choose. What ever you do it may well haunt you.

All the best that ever you choose.


Yours


CAlley

Penny-Pincher!!

Umm...this is a tough one! Can I just say first that I am sorry to hear of your loss of a loved one.

Although it would be nice to remember people as they were when they were alive, you will never have the opportunity to do this again so a clear definite decision needs to be made.

What reasons do you have as to why you want to see him? Didnt get to say goodbye before he passed or do you want to say sorry for not seeing him before he passed?

Many people choose to see dead loved ones because of guilt but most need to do this for closure which is very important to enable us to move on with our lives.

I wasnt allowed to see my Grandad when he died when I was 15 or go to the funeral (parents thought they were protecting me) ...I wish I had done. The last time I saw him he was quite ill and TBH, I would have just liked to have seen him in no pain and in a peaceful state IYSWIM.

There are pros and cons to either choice.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

Hugs

PP
xx

Mark7799

To the OP,

First of all, sorry to hear of your loss.

As you have seen hear, the answers appear to be split. OH & I have different views as well. She has always seen relatives after they have died - I never have. She feels it is cathartic, I do not feel I have lost anything.

Good luck.

Fritha_2

So so sorry to hear of your loss Bloom.

My story: My Gran died when I was 15 and my sister 22. Initially I said I would like to go to the chapel of rest and then decided against it. When my sister came back she said she did regret going. When my Gran was alive she was skinny and looked pinched (years of looking cross like she was sucking a lemon!), they'd filled her out and put make up on. My sister dais she just didn't look like our Gran, she just looked like a shell.

My sister wasn't prepared for how it would be, from what you've read on here you will be so you may not have the same reaction.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the luck and hope that you find it helps you.

SO171NOT

Firstly, have a HUGE hug from me!

My advice is to go and see him. Even if he doesn't look as you expect, it's still him and you'll still remember him for those good, personal, special memories. His spirit will always live on in your heart. If you don't see him and six months later wish you had, it's too late. If you go and then find it too painful, he'll understand - because he loves you. At least you'll have tried... x

SeptemberBaby_2

Personally I have chosen never to go to see relatives at the Chapel of Rest as my Mum told me when I was alot younger that really its best to remember them as they were. Apparently its hard to get that last picture out of your mind. However, my Mum has always seen it as her duty to go and maybe I will feel that way when my parents pass.

When both my Nana and Grandad died, I wrote letters telling them how much I loved them and appreciated all they did for me. My Mum then took the letters with her and they were buried with them. Somehow I find great comfort in that.

Sincere condolences for your loss xxx

bloomin_freezing

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing such personal experiences with me. I am 99% sure that I will go as I will never be able to turn the clock back and could regret this.
As mentioned I think I will also write grandad a letter so if its all to much to deal with and I am unable to speak to him I can leave the letter for him to take with him.
I cannot prepare myself for the sight I will see as to how different he will look, nor can I imagine the emotions which will overcome me but I think I have to do this. This will be my closure, because as I do know that he has passed and I will not see him again, I still can't quite believe that he has truly gone. Does that make sense?

Katmc2k

Sorry to hear of your loss, so many sad stories from other posters too. I think it may depend on how you deal with death. I am a great denier, and to this day I have conspiracy theories about those I lost when I was younger; for years when the doorbell went I believed it was my aunt (she died very suddenly and at only 30) and when a childhood friend died in a car accident I considered all sorts of ways and means that she had 'faked' her death (I was 20 at the time, not a kid, just totally unable to deal with it)

Anyway a month after my schoolfriend died, I saw my Gran as she had also passed away. We did the whole Catholic praying in the bedroom thing with her in a coffin and I believe it really helped me move on and accept she was actually gone. I didn't really want to go into the room but went in with my uncles who were really supportive. In saying that, my Mum couldn't go in (it was her mother) and so it really depends on the person.

It helped me, and in future I would do it again, but it takes a lot of guts and I would really need someone supportive to be with me. From the two deaths which took place within a month of each other, my Gran's has been easier for me to accept, and perhaps seeing her at peace afterwards was one of the reasons why.

EDIT: just read your latest post and I think we're saying something similar. x