Should I tell her?

Spendless

A few weeks ago my husband met another woman in the food court of a shopping mall during the working day, 25 miles from our home. He hugged her and kissed her (not a snog) and they had lunch together. To one of my friends it may well have looked like he was having an affair, apart from I knew all about it. The woman used to work for a company that my husband's employers use and she's recently been made redundant and had news that a close relative is terminally ill, hence the hug and the kiss. Hubby was meeting her as he wished to offer her some freelance work so wished to talk over lunch and they met at the shopping mall miles away as it is 1/2 way between our respective homes. If asked what hubby was doing that day I might have given a vague 'he's working from home' rather than go into detail. For this reason I wouldn't say anything to him or tell her in a way it comes across that you suspect him of having an affair. I'd go with just dropping it into conversation that you saw him where you did and let her take the lead or not.

SailorSam

I presume if they only got married earlier this year there are no kids yet ???? If you left it and perhaps in a year or so she found out about him and wanted him gone, but in the meantime she'd had a baby it makes things harder.
Better she gets told now and decides what she wants to do.

destitute7

A hug and a kiss but not a snog?
a kiss on the cheek? if so understandable
a kiss on the lips?....................................i'm confused

of well lol

RockPaperScissors

This has happened to a friend of mine.

It was awful having to sit down and explain what had happened and I will always feel a tinge of guilt at the hurt she suffered, but our relationship is all the closer for it.

It's an awful thing to go through and all you can do is be there for her and support her where she needs it, but keeping that secret will leave you with unnecessary guilt and could destroy your friendship.

I wouldn't have been able to act normal around my friend had I not said anything.

Good luck!

neneromanova

Spendless wrote: »

A few weeks ago my husband met another woman in the food court of a shopping mall during the working day, 25 miles from our home. He hugged her and kissed her (not a snog) and they had lunch together. To one of my friends it may well have looked like he was having an affair, apart from I knew all about it. The woman used to work for a company that my husband's employers use and she's recently been made redundant and had news that a close relative is terminally ill, hence the hug and the kiss. Hubby was meeting her as he wished to offer her some freelance work so wished to talk over lunch and they met at the shopping mall miles away as it is 1/2 way between our respective homes. If asked what hubby was doing that day I might have given a vague 'he's working from home' rather than go into detail. For this reason I wouldn't say anything to him or tell her in a way it comes across that you suspect him of having an affair. I'd go with just dropping it into conversation that you saw him where you did and let her take the lead or not.

Yeah but they didn't go for dinner, they got a room...

Scorpio33

I would tell the husband what you saw - and tell him to come clean to his wife or you will. Don't tell him exactly what you saw, just that you know he was in a hotel room with another woman.
And if he starts giving excuses saying it was all innocent, then say to him in that case he wouldn't mind telling his wife then.

It is better coming from him - and if he says he will tell, give him a week, and then after that, ask your friend if he has said anything.

You don't know all the facts, so it is not worth going accusing, as it is possible the friend will choose the man over you.

Mojisola

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I would tell the husband what you saw - and tell him to come clean to his wife or you will. Don't tell him exactly what you saw, just that you know he was in a hotel room with another woman.

And if he starts giving excuses saying it was all innocent, then say to him in that case he wouldn't mind telling his wife then.

It is better coming from him - and if he says he will tell, give him a week, and then after that, ask your friend if he has said anything.

I wouldn't do this. I know someone who did approach things that way. The husband immediately went to his wife, said "Your best mate has been trying to get off with me and I keep turning her down. She says she's going to tell you lies about me so that we break up".

Wife believed husband, broke off all contact with friend, husband smugly went through several other women before wife found evidence that made her realise what he was like.

Hermia

poet123 wrote: »

Personally, I think I would ring him up and tell him what you saw, and what you suspect and ask him to tell her himself as you will be mentioning next time you see her.

I sort of agree with this, but I would also worry that if he was devious he would start to cover his tracks and come up with a story about the OP trying to break up the relationship etc.

I would tell her, but don't harp on about it and don't interpret what you saw. As someone else said if you would normally have mentioned seeing her hubby somewhere it will look odd if she finds out and you didn't say anything.

Scorpio33

Mojisola wrote: »

I wouldn't do this. I know someone who did approach things that way. The husband immediately went to his wife, said "Your best mate has been trying to get off with me and I keep turning her down. She says she's going to tell you lies about me so that we break up".

Wife believed husband, broke off all contact with friend, husband smugly went through several other women before wife found evidence that made her realise what he was like.

Thinking about it, you are right.

Wait until you are with both of them, and bring it up in casual conversation. Assume it is all innocent, and so talk about it as if it is, unless you know 100% otherwise (ie anything else comes to light).

Tell said friend next time you see her - otherwise as others have said, she will ask why you didn't tell her before.

krlyr

"This is a bit awkward to say, but I figured if it were me, I'd want to know - I am sure I saw your hubby at X hotel the other day meeting up with some woman and it struck me as a bit odd as I remember you saying he was going golfing with his dad. Just thought you may want to know" - and leave it at that. That's pretty much how I was told about my ex and it worked - the friend telling me wasn't expecting to gossip about it, wasn't suggesting anything else (e.g. speculating about other incidents or any hunches etc), just the straight facts and then left me to it to decide what to do with that info.