Should I tell her?

newcook

I would do the right thing and tell my friend – otherwise I wouldn’t be a true friend!

I too would want to know if my OH was cheating/possibly cheating. Yes, its going to hurt her and yes she will be angry (and at first will probably aim her anger at you) but if you don’t tell her and she later finds out that you knew you will lose her friendship.

Don’t be petty and snidy and ask him what he thought of the hotel etc – again, your friend will want to know why you didn’t tell her first.

balletshoes

newcook wrote: »

I would do the right thing and tell my friend – otherwise I wouldn’t be a true friend!

I too would want to know if my OH was cheating/possibly cheating. Yes, its going to hurt her and yes she will be angry (and at first will probably aim her anger at you) but if you don’t tell her and she later finds out that you knew you will lose her friendship.

Don’t be petty and snidy and ask him what he thought of the hotel etc – again, your friend will want to know why you didn’t tell her first.

I agree with this - if I was the wife, I'd want to know. Laura I think you're considering this the right way, tell your friend just what you saw, but don't judge and don't make suggestions or assumptions.

dundeediva

Please tell her. If its a friend then you should be telling her. Imagine if the tables were turned, you found out a year or so afterwards that your "friend" saw this, how would you react? I would be furious!!!! The friends I have would tell me straight away and if she does hold it against you then she isn't a true friend in the first place.

Good luck

Joons

I understand why people are saying don't tell her but I think that's worse than telling her! So you're going to be sitting together over coffee and she ask what's up - you then `forget` to tell her you saw her husband - that's worse surely....almost like you're in cahoots so do the decent thing, tell her, as others have said, it's up to her what she does with that information, if she `falls out` with you over that then that's not a friend at all.

JimmyTheWig

meritaten wrote: »

now, do you tell or not? I think not. Not right now anyway. She may know or suspect and not want to know and frankly hun - if you tell her, you may ruin your friendship for good.

I disagree. I say tell her.
But give her a "get out of jail free card" - don't go on and on about it. Don't make out that you were absolutely certain that it was him. If she doesn't want to believe then allow her not to believe. If she already knows but doesn't want to admit to herself / him / you then she doesn't have to. If she already suspects then even if you are vague then you are confirming her suspicions. If she knows nothing about it then you are at least putting it on the radar.

I'd go with something like "OMG, I saw someone who looked just like your OH the other day. When I was at that conference. A couple were checking in to the hotel and I swear, if I hadn't known he was playing golf, I would have gone over and said hello! Looked just like him - mannerisms and everything."

What's the alternative?
You don't tell her.
There's no way that you can then behave completely normally with her. She'll suspect that something's up.
Maybe it's the first time he's done it. So maybe he won't be able to behave completely normally with her. She'll suspect that something's up.
As time goes on, she puts two and two together and decides he must be having an affair. Who is she going to suspect?
Her: Are you having an affair with my OH?
OP: No, not me. He's having an affair with someone else. I saw them.
Her: Why didn't you tell me?
Like she's going to believe that!

aileth

Tell her. Can you imagine if she got pregnant and found out after baby comes? "Apparently so and so has been cheating for 2 years. I can't believe I had a baby with him." "I know, I saw him at a hotel with a woman." Dun-dun-dun!

poet123

Personally, I think I would ring him up and tell him what you saw, and what you suspect and ask him to tell her himself as you will be mentioning next time you see her. I think that is what I would do, but until you are faced with the issue you can never be sure.

Grumpygit

It's a difficult thing to judge really.

Do you know how their relationship is? Does she seem all happy and loved up or does she seem as if she has things on her mind?

What do they seem like when you see them together...newly weds or like people that have been married for years?

Are you certain without all doubt that it was him?

I would want to know about something like that but wouldn't want to find out in front of him by some comment/question - he would then be able to think about covering his tracks if he knew that you knew.

Can you maybe say that you saw a friend's husband in a hotel with another woman and gauge her reaction - if she starts saying that are you going to tell her and that if it was me then I would want to know, then you could then say actually it was your hubby but I didn't know how to broach the subject etc etc

I wouldn't tell him what you saw - again, he can cover tracks and she may never know the truth even if she suspected it.

If he was booking in at the hotel, wouldn't there be a credit card entry??? She may be able to search for that (if she has to)

Another thing into the mix here (and I doubt that this is the case but....) how do you know that she didn't know about it and the golf with his dad was just something that she told you (or anyone else that asks) as she didn't want to tell you the truth that maybe they have an open relationship? As I said, this is probably not the case but most people don't openly admit to swinging/open relationships

Mojisola

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I disagree. I say tell her.

But give her a "get out of jail free card" - don't go on and on about it. Don't make out that you were absolutely certain that it was him. If she doesn't want to believe then allow her not to believe. If she already knows but doesn't want to admit to herself / him / you then she doesn't have to. If she already suspects then even if you are vague then you are confirming her suspicions. If she knows nothing about it then you are at least putting it on the radar.

I'd go with something like "OMG, I saw someone who looked just like your OH the other day. When I was at that conference. A couple were checking in to the hotel and I swear, if I hadn't known he was playing golf, I would have gone over and said hello! Looked just like him - mannerisms and everything."

This would be my approach.

As the OP didn't go up and talk to him, mistaken identity is always a possibility. A girl I once worked with was really angry with me because she said she'd tried to talk to me in town when I was out shopping with my Mum on the previous Saturday and I wouldn't talk to her. I hadn't been in town and the "mother" she described looked nothing like mine!

poet123

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I disagree. I say tell her.
But give her a "get out of jail free card" - don't go on and on about it. Don't make out that you were absolutely certain that it was him. If she doesn't want to believe then allow her not to believe. If she already knows but doesn't want to admit to herself / him / you then she doesn't have to. If she already suspects then even if you are vague then you are confirming her suspicions. If she knows nothing about it then you are at least putting it on the radar.

I'd go with something like "OMG, I saw someone who looked just like your OH the other day. When I was at that conference. A couple were checking in to the hotel and I swear, if I hadn't known he was playing golf, I would have gone over and said hello! Looked just like him - mannerisms and everything."

What's the alternative?
You don't tell her.
There's no way that you can then behave completely normally with her. She'll suspect that something's up.
Maybe it's the first time he's done it. So maybe he won't be able to behave completely normally with her. She'll suspect that something's up.
As time goes on, she puts two and two together and decides he must be having an affair. Who is she going to suspect?
Her: Are you having an affair with my OH?
OP: No, not me. He's having an affair with someone else. I saw them.
Her: Why didn't you tell me?
Like she's going to believe that!

I think this is a good idea.