About to walk away from my family

bunney1981

In 2007 I split up with my ex partner. I moved home to my parents and until I met my current partner about 15 months ago I was somewhat a loose cannon.

I have 2 kids with my ex partner and have them every Friday night overnight at my parents house.

Me and current partner are expecting a baby next April and in January will be moving into her house with her and setting up home together.

The downside to this is there just isn't any room for my kids to sleep. It's a tiny house and its just not practical. What I plan to do is now have my kids all day Sundays. And Friday nights for 3-4 hours. In actual fact they will see me more.

This hasn't gone down well with my parents. They have now said that my current partner is not welcome in there home because they think she is saying the kids are not welcome in there house. We are not welcome at Xmas and they want nothing to do with new baby , me or new partner


I'm so annoyed. Others I have gone to for advice say they agree with me. I love my gf and plan to ask her to marry me on Nye. My cousin advices me that it's time I put myself first and made sure I was finally happy and this made sence.

Any advice would be great

armchairexpert

How does your ex partner feel about the change in arrangements? I'd be pretty annoyed if the father of my children wanted to unilaterally change how often he had the kids because he'd decided to move somewhere too tiny to accommodate them.

What your parents think isn't the real issue, I think. As long as your children don't feel pushed out of your life by this new family structure, and you aren't ruining an amicable co-parenting arrangement with the ex, then of course, follow your happiness. But I don't think you get to just 'put yourself first' when there are this many children in the mix.

What do you mean by 'a loose cannon'? May your parents feel like you've used their place when it suited you and they've put up with bad behaviour and now you're leaving again? Could their issue be about more than just where your children sleep?

londonsurrey

Family is family. If you all had to sleep in a room together, that's enough space. Is having everything nicely laid out in lots of rooms more important than being together?

scottishchick27

I take it your cousin isn't a parent? You don't get to put yourself first after you have children. There must be room for your children, what about camp beds or inflatable mattresses? How are your children going to feel when you no longer have them overnight when that is what they are used to? They may resent the new baby if you change their routine now that you have another child.

Pollycat

bunney1981 wrote: »

In 2007 I split up with my ex partner. I moved home to my parents and until I met my current partner about 15 months ago I was somewhat a loose cannon.

I have 2 kids with my ex partner and have them every Friday night overnight at my parents house.

Me and current partner are expecting a baby next April and in January will be moving into her house with her and setting up home together.

The downside to this is there just isn't any room for my kids to sleep. It's a tiny house and its just not practical. What I plan to do is now have my kids all day Sundays. And Friday nights for 3-4 hours. In actual fact they will see me more.

This hasn't gone down well with my parents. They have now said that my current partner is not welcome in there home because they think she is saying the kids are not welcome in there house. We are not welcome at Xmas and they want nothing to do with new baby , me or new partner


I'm so annoyed. Others I have gone to for advice say they agree with me. I love my gf and plan to ask her to marry me on Nye. My cousin advices me that it's time I put myself first and made sure I was finally happy and this made sence.

Any advice would be great

I can see your parents' point of view.

They have been used to having their grandchildren overnight (and presumably were happy about that) but now that won't be happening.
They are maybe worried that if you aren't having your children overnight at all, they won't be seeing much (if at all) of them.

And what does your ex say about your proposed new arrangements?
Is she in agreement?

How tiny is this 'tiny' house?

How old are your children?
Are they the same sex?

If the house has 2 bedrooms, are you planning to make one into a nursery for the new baby?
Is that why there is no room?

Is your new partner going to welcome your children into her home?

Isn't it possible for you to get bunk beds for your children to sleep over?

And, like armchairexpert, I'd like to know what you mean about "I was somewhat a loose cannon".

Rebecca01

What do you mean by no room? No spare bedroom?

Surely you must have space for a couple of blow up mattresses somewhere. Theres many times we have made a fun game and made a "camp" on the living room floor with the couch cushions and pillows, just so we could see my OH daughters.

Other times over the years, I have slept in a single bed with my daughter and shared a double bed with 4 of us.

Also theres many times 5 of us have squashed in one room in a travelodge just to see the girls.
None of its ideal , but where theres a will and all that.

I also agree its how the children feel, its sad they cant now stay over with their Father. This is an imprtant part of parenting that you will all miss out on.
Though I dont agree with your parents reaction. This could just be a knee jerk one but I can see where they are coming from.

desert_rose

For five years you've lived at home with your parents.

You admit to being a bit of a 'loose cannon' and you're indignant that your parents have said they want nothing more to do with you now.

You're moving into a tiny house with your girlfriend and there's another baby on the way.

They're probably feeling used, abused and very, very angry. They are quite possibly facing the horrible reality of seeing their relationship with their grandchildren disappearing while you swan off into a rosy sunset with not so much as a 'thank-you', or a 'lets set up a regular day/time for the grandchildren to stay over'.

Loose cannons generally retain a bit of a reputation for being flaky, unreliable and only concerned with what directly affects them.

Self absorbed is the expression that comes to mind.

And you seem surprised that your parents are reacting this way?

Why don't you try and reassure your parents that the grandchildren will always be in their lives. While you're about it, have you thought of thanking them for putting up with you for the last five years?

seven-day-weekend

Get a sofa bed in the living room or a couple of blow up mattresses. I don't agree with your parents cutting you off, but I can understand that your children might feel pushed out. They are not less important now you have a new family. Make room for them (even if it means you yourself sleeping on the blow up mattress or sofa bed).

Bella73

To be honest I think you are going to have to think again. You have to make room for your older children. How would you feel? You don't say how old they are but I am guessing about 7?

Your actions which speak louder than words to them say ok I'm off got my new family now. Sorry to be harsh but you knew you had children who stay before you gf got pregnant. If her house is too small maybe you should rent it out and then rent somewhere bigger together. If you can't/won't afford to you really cannot afford another family.

loveasale

I'd walk barefoot over broken glass for my kids, and you can't even find a bit of floor space for them to stay the night with you?
Sorry but I think your out of order

FBaby

What does the mother of your children think? In the end, if she is happy with the arrangement you offer, it is not for your parents to disagree. If their issue is that they want to see more of the kids, then you can also arrange between your ex, parents and you when that can happen.

If your ex is not happy with the proposed arrangement and is keen on continuing how they are, could you take your kids to your parents Friday evening, stay until they are in bed and either go home then or stay overnight at your parent?

Don't ruin your relationship with your parents/ex (assuming it was amicable) just because you are moving on with your life. You might have, they haven't. My ex has completely alienated himself from all his family because of his new partner's demands and my ex siding up to everything she says. He used to be very close to them and they have supported him through troubled times, now they won't even allow their new son to have a relationship with them and have even hinted they don't want my children to have anything to do with them which I made very clear was not going to happen. They are their grand parents and their personal issues have nothing to do with the children.

Sort things out and remember that it is not just about you and your new partner, but about everyone concerned.