About to walk away from my family

podperson

OP - I was actually on your side to start with. From the kids point of view then getting to spend a whole day with you on Sunday as well as still a short period on Friday would mean they would get much more time with you and the option to say go for days out and do longer activities that can't be fitted into an evening stop over. If they still see you for a few hours on the Friday anyway then all they would really miss would be maybe an hour or two before bed and breakfast in the morning so I think some people are being a little harsh.

But now you say you haven't brought this up with your ex yet!! So this idea has come to you and you expect her to change her plans and routine to work round you, give up her weekend plans with the kids and change anything she might currently do on a Friday night while she has it free! Also, how does your current gf feel about now having your kids every Sunday? When she has a newborn it may be one of the days when she is relying on getting a bit more help with the baby - and instead she'll have a house full and you fully occupied with the other children.

Could you look at getting a bigger house together or something?

fannyanna

I’m going to take a different stance from most of the other responses.

In an ideal world everyone would put their children first (regardless of whether they’re the offspring of their first, second relationship etc or a one night stand). But this isn’t an ideal world and for whatever reason not everyone can / feels the need to /wants to (whatever the reason) put their children first.

Ultimately you’re an adult and you’re free to do what you want – even if what you want to do is the opposite of what it’s deemed that you should be doing.

My only recommendation to you is that you think really hard about what you are planning on doing and the reason behind it. It does seem that your current partner may be influencing this change however even if that is the case I think it’s wrong of people to solely blame her. Ultimately, if you were dead set against the plan you would say something to her.

But whatever you choose to do you need to understand the consequences and own your actions. I think the responses you have received so far clearly demonstrate the consequences. If you are happy to accept those consequences then fine. If not, you need to re-think your plans.

You need to stop seeking reassurance from everyone that you’re doing the right thing (as you’ve already found out most people will agree to things face to face to avoid confrontation). The reassurance you want needs to come from you and you only.

londonsurrey

I think FannyAnna is right.

Be honest with yourself. Are you putting your needs first, and that of the children after you?

What your current girlfriend says or doesn't is up to her. If you do what you're proposing, then be honest, if it happened again, and you had baby #4 with girlfriend #3, would you probably agian put their needs after those of yours and your family du jour?

Face up to the reality of your decisions and the type of person you choose to be.

balletshoes

bunney1981 wrote: »

My kids are 10 and 7. The house is really small. We have looked into getting blow up beds for the living room but the reality is there is no space at all.

By loose cannon I mean, living the single life. Out most weekends etc etc.

I havnt run this past my ex as of yet but the plan is to do this for a year. Then when my partner goes back to work find a bigger house.

My kids are more than welcome in the house will be spending time there. But not to sleep in the first year or so

My parents will see the kids just as much as they plan to have them to sleep there still.

I really think you need to discuss this with your ex - and then your children. My child is about the same age as your eldest, I think at that age they deserve the respect of being involved, or at least heard, when proposing such a change to their routine.
Have you told your parents this is what you're doing (because that might be what you want to do, but your ex and children may have different ideas altogether).

You need to talk to your ex and your children - now.

bunney1981

fannyanna wrote: »

I’m going to take a different stance from most of the other responses.

In an ideal world everyone would put their children first (regardless of whether they’re the offspring of their first, second relationship etc or a one night stand). But this isn’t an ideal world and for whatever reason not everyone can / feels the need to /wants to (whatever the reason) put their children first.

Ultimately you’re an adult and you’re free to do what you want – even if what you want to do is the opposite of what it’s deemed that you should be doing.

My only recommendation to you is that you think really hard about what you are planning on doing and the reason behind it. It does seem that your current partner may be influencing this change however even if that is the case I think it’s wrong of people to solely blame her. Ultimately, if you were dead set against the plan you would say something to her.

But whatever you choose to do you need to understand the consequences and own your actions. I think the responses you have received so far clearly demonstrate the consequences. If you are happy to accept those consequences then fine. If not, you need to re-think your plans.

You need to stop seeking reassurance from everyone that you’re doing the right thing (as you’ve already found out most people will agree to things face to face to avoid confrontation). The reassurance you want needs to come from you and you only.

I plan to sit down with the ex in january , i have not put these plans in concrete yet , but its what im going to propose , i get on quite well with the ex and she is very felxable,

as for stopping kids seeing grandparents, this would not be the case , my grandparents also have a good relationship with my ex and pick the kids up at free will. for example in the last half term they took them away for a few days to london.

my kids have a great family network around them

19lottie82

OP – You still need to think how your kids will feel. At the end of the day, no matter how you word it, or sugar coat it you are still effectively telling them “My new girlfriend and I are having a baby, so there isn’t room for you at the moment”. Children don’t understand practicalities, so you need to face up to the fact that this will hurt them a LOT.

Again, if you can’t fit a small travel bed in the living room (really?), can you not continue to spend the night at your parents with your kids, one night a week?

balletshoes

bunney1981 wrote: »

I plan to sit down with the ex in january , i have not put these plans in concrete yet , but its what im going to propose , i get on quite well with the ex and she is very felxable,

as for stopping kids seeing grandparents, this would not be the case , my grandparents also have a good relationship with my ex and pick the kids up at free will. for example in the last half term they took them away for a few days to london.

my kids have a great family network around them

thats great - but what about your children? They are used to going to sleep with you there, and getting up with you there, on access days now, right? They won't have this again if what you propose happens.
Thats a big change for a child - and I'd be taking another poster's advice here, and staying over at your parents home with your children at least once on their access days with you, if there really is no room at your new home (and I think you know thats not true). If you have a sofa in the living room one of the children could sleep on that, and another could sleep on a single blow-up mattress on the floor - in fact a 7-year old could probably manage on a cotbed mattress (shorter than a blow-up bed) for the year or so until you get a bigger house.

londonsurrey

It's great that everyone else is flexible and has a great relationship.
Given how generous and easy with arrangements your parents are, it rather begs the question of why they're so very upset.

What are their objections exactly, verbatim?

mummyroysof3

i think it would be better to speak to your ex sooner rather than later so you can negotiate what is going to happen in advance to prepare the children for it and not just dump it on them at the last minuite what you decided on their behalf. at those ages i would think they could have a say in the arrangements too.

Fire_Fox

So your new baby gets their own room and your older children don't even get to visit overnight? And you don't see how you are favouring your new family over your 'old' one? You stopped having the right to put yourself first when you decided to become a father ten years ago. What you do now affects your children for the rest of their lives, their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships, their self confidence.

Why do you have to move into such a small house? If you had a slightly larger two bedroom place the adults could sleep in the smaller bedroom and the baby in the larger one, then baby temporarily moves in with you when the children visit. Or you sleep on a sofa bed and the children take the adults room. There are loads of solutions if you could be bothered to find them.