Would you/ could you adopt?

nottslass_2

j.e.j. wrote: »

Was it a terrible thing to say?

If you think of step-parents, for example, and natural parents. The kind of love is different. I know it's not quite the same as adoption, where both people have chosen to adopt a child, but no, I really do not think someone can feel the same way about a child who is not biologically their own as they would about a child they had 'created', given birth to, nurtured, fed, etc. The instinct would not be there.

Am I wrong?

The unconditional love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child,the sleepless nights,wiping snotty noses,proudly watching their first nativity play - sharing the same blood group is irrelevant !!!

Do you really believe that someone who has waited many years and gone through the long arduous and intrusive adoption process in order to become a parent would love their child any less just because they don't happen to share the same DNA ?

As an adopted child,my mum always told me "you didn't grow in my womb,but you grew in my heart",my dad used to say "at least we got to choose you- most parents just get what they are given"

The unconditional love I had from my (adoptive) parents is no different to the unconditional love I feel for my own (biological) children.

j.e.j.

nottslass wrote: »

"at least we got to choose you- most parents just get what they are given"

well, that is true!

I did assert that the love someone would feel for an adopted child would be different, not better not worse, but different. Who knows it might even be healthier in some ways.

penguin83

I find out on Thursday if I am going to be an Auntie. Brother is right at the end of the process, he and his wife have been matched to a 3 year old. Keeping everything I have crossed! x

squirrelchops

I always used to think I would like to adopt if I couldn't have children. However, with the knowledge I now have of the difficulties many children who are placed for adoption have, I wouldn't consider it.

I have observed first hand an adoption breakdown and, without doubt it was incredibly distressing for all involved.

I would consider the most successful adoptions to be children who are as young as possible and have not had multiple placements. I.e. were removed at birth and had one foster family. Anyone considering adoption should look into attachment disorder/difficulties - not enough people know the profound impact disruption in early years attachments can have on the remainder of that child's life and the impact can be huge.

squirrelchops

jumpedtheshark wrote: »

I want to adopt - no birth children yet - though OH is slightly less keen, and would prefer birth children then adopted children. I cut off contact with own parents three years ago because my father was emotionally abusive. He had been all throughout childhood, but when I turned 30 I realised I didn't have to take it any more. I'm still in touch with my siblings. OH has a large, loving family but all overseas. OH thinks that there would be red flags raised because of the situation with my parents. Does anyone with any experience know?

It would be a red flag as it would be usual to interview your parents as part of the assessment process. Adoption agencies do look at who would be your support network as well as exploring your experiences both as a child and how this has impacted on how you would parent. However do not see this as a negative.

You would be able to empathise with a child who has come froma similarly abusive household. The one question I would want to seek an answer to would be around if you were trying to undo the mistakes of your father i.e. the child almost becomes a vehicle for your own therapy and your own, possibly unresolved issues. Again, if you demonstrated how you have worked through these issues I wouldn't see this as excluding you from going forward with an adoption.

What I want to see in prospective adopters is a realistic outlook - the adoption process is a long, tiring and exhausting process before the child is even placed with you.

squirrelchops

Alikay wrote: »

I've heard that often with adoption, you're "on your own" once the children have been placed, whereas with fostering there's more ongoing support and training. Without a doubt adoption is the cheaper option for the local authority, but maybe long-term fostering would be better for a lot of very damaged children, as the new parents could then access psychiatric help or other therapy for the child plus much-needed respite for themselves.

As part of any adoption it is a requirement for there to be an adoption support plan in place. This can be reviewed at any point during that child's life. Remember that when that adoption order has gone through that legally it is the same as if that child was their biological child. Do you get respite or automatic respite with your own child? The answer is 'no'.

Support services would have to be referred as per any other child in the country. However, should the adopters request a review of the support plan this can lead to extra support if necessary.

sealady

nottslass wrote: »

The unconditional love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child,the sleepless nights,wiping snotty noses,proudly watching their first nativity play - sharing the same blood group is irrelevant !!!

Do you really believe that someone who has waited many years and gone through the long arduous and intrusive adoption process in order to become a parent would love their child any less just because they don't happen to share the same DNA ?

As an adopted child,my mum always told me "you didn't grow in my womb,but you grew in my heart",my dad used to say "at least we got to choose you- most parents just get what they are given"

The unconditional love I had from my (adoptive) parents is no different to the unconditional love I feel for my own (biological) children.

I could not agree more! That is exactly what my parents use to say to me! I also feel the same way about my biological children. I was brought up to believe that I was very special because I was chosen by them.

Does blood really make a difference when a child is loved! That is what the important thing is, being able to give a child unconditional love, a stable home, and nurturing them.

System

j.e.j. wrote: »

Was it a terrible thing to say?

If you think of step-parents, for example, and natural parents. The kind of love is different. I know it's not quite the same as adoption, where both people have chosen to adopt a child, but no, I really do not think someone can feel the same way about a child who is not biologically their own as they would about a child they had 'created', given birth to, nurtured, fed, etc. The instinct would not be there.

Am I wrong?

I feel a lot closer to my step dad than my birth dad who i have nothing to do with, so i don't think blood is always thicker than water so to speak. And he's never treated me any differently to my half siblings. To him i am his daughter.

Claire212

Just had to reply to this thread!!!!!

I was born with a cleft lip and palate and was put up for adoption. However, with all of my 'health problems' it would seem that social services didn't give much hope of me finding a home and fully expected me to be in the care system until adulthood.

But that wasn't the case, because of two of the most wonderful people in the world. My parents.

My Mum and Dad were looking for a little sister for their other adopted child, a little boy. They had come to the care home to look at another child, but saw me just by accident.

My Dad always says, we just saw two of the most beautiful blue eyes looking up at us, we never saw anything else.

They couldn't stop thinking about me and eventually asked to formally adopt me.

My childhood was the best that I could have hoped for. They helped me in every way they could. I have had the best surgery because they fought for me. They put me into speech therapy and you would never guess that I had been born with such a severe disfigurment.

If that is not loving a child as if it were your own, then I don't know what is.

fawd1

Grimbal wrote: »

Weight in our case. We have a large, comfortable home, good income & a great support network, but were turned down even before walking into the agency because of how much we weigh. I'm not saying it's the wrong decision, just answering the poster's question

How ridiculous. I really feel for you, that's an awful thing to happen. How much weight is too much weight? Just curious because I'm not the slimmest of girls myself!