Would you/ could you adopt?

indebtinsussex

we considered it because we thought we werent able to have children, but then found out I was pregnant.

Its still something that dh feels strongly about doing, or long term fostering, but we will wait until ours are older before we look into proceeding.

my parents looked into adoption 20 years ago after having me and my brother, but were told that they werent allowed to proceed because they deemed my parents racist when my parents said they would prefer to adopt a white child because their own children were white and didnt want any adopted child to feel an outsider or different in their family.

lostinrates

j.e.j. wrote: »

With adoption you can never be sure what you're taking on. I think behaviour is influenced by heredity and genes as much as by environment.
Well, yes....I am sure my parents would have prefered offspring with no health issues too. But genetically...you can never be entirely sure what you will get...until test tube intervention is significantly more available and developed than it is now!

What were the child's parents like, what sad circumstances came about that necessitated the baby/child/teenager being put up for adoption.
Again true, but these sad circumstances could happen to many of us. I know many a middle class mother who in different socio economic background might well have lost custody of her kids. Things like profound mental ill health can strike any of us, parents or children. As can addiction, desperation and negative influences, we hope our good choices will be more plentiful and our bad ones not irredeemable.

And you can never feel the same way about an adopted child as you would about your own flesh and blood.
I will never be a parent, I cannot guess how I would feel about my own, (apart from fear that they would have inherited something that made me ill). I have loved and cared for (they lived with me for a while) and and I am pretty sure that if I were an adoptive parent I could love whole heartedly

Those are the things that would make me wary of adopting, I think.

Sorry if my post sounds a bit doom and gloom, I'm sure there are many success stories out there of adopted people/adoptive families!

There are positive stories, I know several.

lostinrates

Dunroamin wrote: »

That's a terrible thing to say!

I think it's sad rather than terrible. Some people really do feel that way. It's a shame, but it should not be guilted into not admitting it, it's part of the whole picture.

Dunroamin

lostinrates wrote: »

I think it's sad rather than terrible. Some people really do feel that way. It's a shame, but it should not be guilted into not admitting it, it's part of the whole picture.

If someone says that about themselves then it is sad and they are better to admit it. When someone makes that sort of sweeping statement across the board then I stand by what I said, its a terrible thing to say.

j.e.j.

Was it a terrible thing to say?

If you think of step-parents, for example, and natural parents. The kind of love is different. I know it's not quite the same as adoption, where both people have chosen to adopt a child, but no, I really do not think someone can feel the same way about a child who is not biologically their own as they would about a child they had 'created', given birth to, nurtured, fed, etc. The instinct would not be there.

Am I wrong?

lostinrates

j.e.j. wrote: »

Was it a terrible thing to say?

If you think of step-parents, for example, and natural parents. The kind of love is different. I know it's not quite the same as adoption, where both people have chosen to adopt a child, but no, I really do not think someone can feel the same way about a child who is not biologically their own as they would about a child they had 'created', given birth to, nurtured, fed, etc. The instinct would not be there.

Am I wrong?

If we are talking instinct, absolutely you are wrong. There are countless examples of this happening in the animal kingdom (the two male penguins in new York spring to mind). In my house ATM, on of my dogs has amazed me by 'adopting' our new puppy. Her behaviour is exactly that of a mother of a puppy, (rather more concerned than some natural canine mothers in fact).

j.e.j.

The animal kingdom is interesting. Birds for example can be fooled into feeding the young chick of a different bird (the most obvious example being the cuckoo, which impersonates the cry of the young chicks in the 'host' nest). So yes, animals do 'think' differently.

..sorry, going slightly off topic! this hasn't got much to do with adoption week, but interesting anyway

lostinrates

j.e.j. wrote: »

The animal kingdom is interesting. Birds for example can be fooled into feeding the young chick of a different bird (the most obvious example being the cuckoo, which impersonates the cry of the young chicks in the 'host' nest). So yes, animals do 'think' differently.

..sorry, going slightly off topic! this hasn't got much to do with adoption week, but interesting anyway

Um, people are animals (ref bit I bolded) People are not as different from some of our animal cousins than some of them are from each other.

If we are talking instint I took it away from people to show this is present without the higher thought we associate with humanity.

The human example might be.......adoption:D or perhaps fostering.

POPPYOSCAR

j.e.j. wrote: »

Was it a terrible thing to say?

If you think of step-parents, for example, and natural parents. The kind of love is different. I know it's not quite the same as adoption, where both people have chosen to adopt a child, but no, I really do not think someone can feel the same way about a child who is not biologically their own as they would about a child they had 'created', given birth to, nurtured, fed, etc. The instinct would not be there.

Am I wrong?[/QUOTE]


Yes I think you are.

Two of my cousins are adopted and they are loved by the whole family just the same, and are never thought of as adopted. They are more like my aunt and uncle than the rest of my cousins are like their parents! They could not be more loved.

I have step-children and step-grandchildren as well as my own and I love them to bits - I would die for any of them.

Blood is thicker than water is the most ridiculous saying to me. I love some people in my life more than I love members of my own family.

My OH is not 'blood' but he is the most important person in the world to me.

Love transcends everything for me

ktb

j.e.j. wrote: »

..... And you can never feel the same way about an adopted child as you would about your own flesh and blood.

Let's say for arguments sake this is true.... just because you don't feel the 'same' way, why would that prevent you creating a fantastic, loving, caring, supportive family unit for an adopted child to grow up in??

Would a young life wasted the UK Care system be preferable to being welcomed into a family that wants to adopt you?? Even if the feelings are not exactly the 'same' as towards flesh and blood family? Provided the family don't explicitly act on that feeling in any way, I honestly don't see the issue.

(As it happens I think the types of people who chose to adopt, wouldn't suffer from the issue you describe - so fingers crossed this doesn't occur much in reality.)