Declining A Wedding Invite

Idiophreak

KiKi wrote: »

if a single friend or relative didn't want to come to my wedding because it made them wish they were married, I'd struggle with the fact that they couldn't put their feelings aside for one hour or so to be there for me.

Agree 100% with this. I get that not everyone loves weddings, but the idea's to show your love and support for the people getting hitched...

lika_86

Whatever the reasons, it seems petulant to me.

Try and be happy for others as you would hope they would be happy for your happiness. Jealously is a terribly unattractive quality.

Fire_Fox

By asking your cousin not to invite you, you are
1. clearly saying to the cousin that the happiest day of their life means nothing to you. Much more considerate to be sadly unable to attend, if pressed say this is due to work or other prior commitment
2. shirking responsibility for addressing your families assumptions you will attend. What if your family get upset at the cousin for not inviting you and pressurise them to change their mind?

If it would upset your cousin that you did not attend, for example if you are close, IMO you should address your own issues perhaps through counselling and/ or anti depressants and then suck it up and paste a smile on. It's only a few hours as a gift for someone you care about.

If you are not close to your cousin and it's only other relatives that would make a fuss, IMO still get counselling for your own sake and then do whatever suits you. You will be saving the happy couple the cost of feeding you. If you expect not to enjoy the day you may find that a self fulfilling prophesy, if you are open minded you might actually surprise yourself.

I've been to some lovely and some boring weddings over the years, both as a couple and on my own (I am hurtling towards 40, single and child free by choice). Never been lonely because I make an effort to speak to family friends I haven't seen for years or get to know new people of roughly my own age. You might even ask that you are seated on a table with other single people or friendly couples your own age instead of with relatives who make you feel bad about being single. If you attend the hen party you will meet a few people that you can approach again at the wedding.

As for addressing the being single/ not having children/ sexuality thing you might prepare some stock responses which have more of a positive spin, always said with a broad smile or cheeky wink
"playing the field/ had a few offers"
"still young free and single/ not ready to be tied down just yet"
"child free by choice/ would like to have children in my late thirties"
"concentrating on my career/ buying my own home"
"holding out for Johnny Depp, but a lookalike would be fine"
"if you bump into Mr Right steer him in my direction!"

Obviously if you are a guy make this gender appropriate!

KxMx

KiKi wrote: »

Politely decline if you want to go, but don't ask to not go.


However, one thing I would add as a generic statement - not necessarily for this specific occasion, as the OP may not be close to their cousin - if a single friend or relative didn't want to come to my wedding because it made them wish they were married, I'd struggle with the fact that they couldn't put their feelings aside for one hour or so to be there for me.

Equally, if I didn't invite single people I'm sure they'd be pretty !!!!ed off to not be invited, saying "I bet it's because I'm single"!!

I hate going to parties, really hate them. But I go for an hour or so when it's a friend because it's *their* party and they'd like me there - and it's not always about me! I agree that it's good to look out for yourself and I'm not saying we should be martyrs and put ourselves in a miserable situation. But there's a balance between doing the right thing for yourself and being selfish. (I should know, I veer too much towards the latter!)

Oh yeah, I went to a friends wedding, took pictures of them and gave a nice card, smiles and congratulations all round.

However I was the only single person there and I stuck out like a sore thumb. Despite making an effort and chatting to other guests (one looked at me like I was an alien and went back to her kids, but the others were nice ) As well as being a painful reminder of my own situation which I am not happy with.

Luckily I don't get many invites because I could not put myself through that on a regular basis. There are only so many time one puts oneself through something that is painful!

Torry_Quine

Fire_Fox wrote: »

By asking your cousin not to invite you, you are
1. clearly saying to the cousin that the happiest day of their life means nothing to you. Much more considerate to be sadly unable to attend, if pressed say this is due to work or other prior commitment
2. shirking responsibility for addressing your families assumptions you will attend. What if your family get upset at the cousin for not inviting you and pressurise them to change their mind?

If it would upset your cousin that you did not attend, for example if you are close, IMO you should address your own issues perhaps through counselling and/ or anti depressants and then suck it up and paste a smile on. It's only a few hours as a gift for someone you care about.

If you are not close to your cousin and it's only other relatives that would make a fuss, IMO still get counselling for your own sake and then do whatever suits you. You will be saving the happy couple the cost of feeding you. If you expect not to enjoy the day you may find that a self fulfilling prophesy, if you are open minded you might actually surprise yourself.

I've been to some lovely and some boring weddings over the years, both as a couple and on my own. Never been lonely because I make an effort to speak to people I haven't seen for years or get to know new people of roughly my own age. You might even ask that you are seated on a table with other single people or friendly couples your own age instead of with relatives who make you feel bad about being single.

I do agree that you shouldn't speak to your cousin before any possible invitation comes.

Not everyone,(myself included) can just make the effort to speak to people even if they know them. Before I was married I can still remember going to a wedding on my own as I had no one to ask. It was awful and I sat in a corner wishing the time away and would never go to a wedding on my own although as I'm married it won't arise.

Fire_Fox

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I do agree that you shouldn't speak to your cousin before any possible invitation comes.

Not everyone,(myself included) can just make the effort to speak to people even if they know them. Before I was married I can still remember going to a wedding on my own as I had no one to ask. It was awful and I sat in a corner wishing the time away and would never go to a wedding on my own although as I'm married it won't arise.

Unless you have a significant mental health issue you can make an effort to speak to people, it's just more difficult than for an extrovert. Otherwise how do you deal with meeting new people when you change jobs or a new person starts, or a teacher when your child starts school, or a different doctor/ waitress/ receptionist? Do you ignore them all?

Some find they need a couple of drinks, some need to practice self help techniques. If you don't deal with shyness or difficulties in speaking to strangers there is every chance you end up being single long term, which is fine for those of us that are happy with that but not if you are unhappy like the OP. Avoiding social situations doesn't resolve such issues, in fact it can make them more ingrained.

If you do have a mental health issue it's worth getting talking therapies or medication. I am generally an extrovert and comfortable one-to-one or in small groups but loathe public speaking - I had to take beta blockers for a couple of days to do a reading for my sibling's wedding, something I haven't done for years. I did that for the happy couple and because I know my fears are baseless - it's not like anyone wanted me to fail!

Mojisola

Unless you spend a lot of time with him or are very close to your cousin in other ways, I can't see how you not attending his wedding could spoil his day!

I know some people start to think that their wedding day should the most important event in everyone else's year but they're being unrealistic. If someone doesn't want to attend an event, they shouldn't have to.

Emmarillo

Not meaning to be horrible at all but your cousin might be pleased. We had quite a big wedding (150 people to the sit down bit) paid for by my parents and had to invite both our extended families - cousins I've only met a handful of times, and my husbands cousins who I've never seen since (we've been married 15 years). It seems a shame that when numbers are so limited we're expected to invite relatives, when you'd far rather have your friends there.

In no way is this aimed at you OP, because you might be close to your cousin, but my family is huge and spread out.

By the way,lots of my friends are having babies and getting married now in their late 30's. 28 seems very young for people to be remarking on you being single. Some people are so rude.

Dasa

It's really sad that you don't want to go and be with your family, if it were me I would suffer the day for them(as I do anyway as weddings are really boring). If you don't want to go just wait until the invite, if it comes, just send a regret card. I can't see the need to stress about it really.

Torry_Quine

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Unless you have a significant mental health issue you can make an effort to speak to people, it's just more difficult than for an extrovert. Otherwise how do you deal with meeting new people when you change jobs or a new person starts, or a teacher when your child starts school, or a different doctor/ waitress/ receptionist? Do you ignore them all?

Some find they need a couple of drinks, some need to practice self help techniques. If you don't deal with shyness or difficulties in speaking to strangers there is every chance you end up being single long term, which is fine for those of us that are happy with that but not if you are unhappy like the OP. Avoiding social situations doesn't resolve such issues, in fact it can make them more ingrained.

If you do have a mental health issue it's worth getting talking therapies or medication. I am generally an extrovert and comfortable one-to-one or in small groups but loathe public speaking - I had to take beta blockers for a couple of days to do a reading for my sibling's wedding, something I haven't done for years. I did that for the happy couple and because I know my fears are baseless - it's not like anyone wanted me to fail!

Thankfully for me I'm married so don't need to go to social situations on my own. I am an introvert and no I don't tend to speak to people, sometimes even people I know.