What would you do? Child related......

Amanda65

Have just caught up again! You mentioned that your Mum - is Grandma - lives down the road. Does she have any contact with him? Does his friend have a new number for him? As far as I see it, other than going there and having it out with your ex face to face there is little else you can do.

The main thing as far as I can see is to re-establish contact with your son - and soon. Who knows what your ex is saying - she could be telling him you don't want to see him because he's upset you.

I agree with all the others who say that this is a difficult age for boys. Add into the mix his Dad and family 2 hours away, a new baby on the way, probable changing to secondary school and raging hormones and you can see why he is feeling a bit moody.

I am sure none of this is insurmountable, and you will get through it but a bit of slack probably needs to be cut on both sides. However until you see / speak to him you cannot move forward sadly.

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I know it's a completely different dynamic to what he has at home but I don't think I'm setting my sights too high when looking for a bit of compromise.

You're not at all but you are the adult and he is the child and for the time being you need to get him back into the fold, whatever that takes initially. You can then start negotiating again.

LEJC

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I don’t think I have mentioned the pending arrival, I guess you must have been privy to my previous thread.

He’s not shown any signs that this is affecting him in a bad way. H

And to answer another question I am not the biological dad to the girls, I took them on as a package when I met my wife.

The birth of a child together will have a massive impact on your son....he goes from be your child to having a step sibling ...up until now he has been your only child...dont underestimate the fallout that may be to come...and this way in which he has started to behave may be linked....afterall before before you were his dad....now he needs to accept that he will be sharing you.

Even the behaviour of your ex may now be linked in part to this...you are not privvy to all that goes on when he is with his mother and it could be as simple as her making a comment about " dads new arrival"...that may be adding complications all round...I think that the dynamics of your family are changing and there will be a period of potential uncertainty before things will settle...unfortunatley its also at a time when your son is undergoing major hormonal changes too.

nfollows1982

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

So OP, have you decided how to handle this?

What is your next move?

Ok, I will be honest about how I am feeling now, and that is to do nothing.

I really want to see my son but there is a little part of me who feels that leaving things the way they are at the moment will give him time to think about if he is missing his time with us and ulitmately if he wants to resume contact.

I know that if I go down the legal route his feelings will be considered and I'd like to think that I've given every opportunity to make a decision that he is happy with.

I don't like conflict, I certainly don't want to get into a war of words with my ex who can be pretty damn nasty when she wants to be.

She has all the weekends for my son staying in her diary, I plan 6 months ahead and never miss a weekend so she knows when he is supposed to be coming and he will know each time he has missed an opportunity to see me.

I want him to be happy at the end of the day and I don't want to force him into a situation that makes him feel uncomfortable.

Does that make me sound like a bad parent for taking a step back and seeing how things develop?

POPPYOSCAR

OP you said in another thread that 2 of your 4 children live with you, has one of the children come to live with you recently then?

If so this may be affecting him.

balletshoes

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I know it's a completely different dynamic to what he has at home but I don't think I'm setting my sights too high when looking for a bit of compromise.

but this is what I don't understand - you were getting the compromise, weren't you? He wasn't spending all his time at yours on the laptop (even if he told his Mum thats what he wanted to do), he was participating in your weekend plans.

balletshoes

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Ok, I will be honest about how I am feeling now, and that is to do nothing.

I really want to see my son but there is a little part of me who feels that leaving things the way they are at the moment will give him time to think about if he is missing his time with us and ulitmately if he wants to resume contact.

I know that if I go down the legal route his feelings will be considered and I'd like to think that I've given every opportunity to make a decision that he is happy with.

I don't like conflict, I certainly don't want to get into a war of words with my ex who can be pretty damn nasty when she wants to be.

She has all the weekends for my son staying in her diary, I plan 6 months ahead and never miss a weekend so she knows when he is supposed to be coming and he will know each time he has missed an opportunity to see me.

I want him to be happy at the end of the day and I don't want to force him into a situation that makes him feel uncomfortable.

Does that make me sound like a bad parent for taking a step back and seeing how things develop?

I don't see anything wrong in your thought process, apart from make sure you write to your son (if theres no other way of contacting him at all) to let him know you love him, want to be with him, and will always be there for him, on the end of the phone, whenever he wants to see you, etc etc. Don't assume he knows this, put it in writing.

nfollows1982

Amanda65 wrote: »

Have just caught up again! You mentioned that your Mum - is Grandma - lives down the road. Does she have any contact with him? Does his friend have a new number for him? As far as I see it, other than going there and having it out with your ex face to face there is little else you can do.

The main thing as far as I can see is to re-establish contact with your son - and soon. Who knows what your ex is saying - she could be telling him you don't want to see him because he's upset you.

I agree with all the others who say that this is a difficult age for boys. Add into the mix his Dad and family 2 hours away, a new baby on the way, probable changing to secondary school and raging hormones and you can see why he is feeling a bit moody.

I am sure none of this is insurmountable, and you will get through it but a bit of slack probably needs to be cut on both sides. However until you see / speak to him you cannot move forward sadly.



You're not at all but you are the adult and he is the child and for the time being you need to get him back into the fold, whatever that takes initially. You can then start negotiating again.

My mum is a football fanatic and takes my son to football once a month, picks him up from home and drops him off again. They have a really close relationship.

She is due to see him next weekend so that will give me an opportunity to relay a message to him and to see how he is feeling about everything.

tattycath

Do you not have a contact telephone number for his mum? Maybe you could telephone her re. your next contact weekend or just to talk to your son-so that he knows you are still interested and not just not bothered because he doesn't seem bothered iyswim

nfollows1982

tattycath wrote: »

Do you not have a contact telephone number for his mum? Maybe you could telephone her re. your next contact weekend or just to talk to your son-so that he knows you are still interested and not just not bothered because he doesn't seem bothered iyswim

I have got her mobile number and the home number.

She hasn't replied to my texts and she ignores my calls on the mobile. If I ring the home phone, as soon as her or her partner realise it is me calling, they put the phone down.

It's not like I haven't tried.

POPPYOSCAR

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Ok, I will be honest about how I am feeling now, and that is to do nothing.

I really want to see my son but there is a little part of me who feels that leaving things the way they are at the moment will give him time to think about if he is missing his time with us and ulitmately if he wants to resume contact.

I know that if I go down the legal route his feelings will be considered and I'd like to think that I've given every opportunity to make a decision that he is happy with.

I don't like conflict, I certainly don't want to get into a war of words with my ex who can be pretty damn nasty when she wants to be.

She has all the weekends for my son staying in her diary, I plan 6 months ahead and never miss a weekend so she knows when he is supposed to be coming and he will know each time he has missed an opportunity to see me.

I want him to be happy at the end of the day and I don't want to force him into a situation that makes him feel uncomfortable.

Does that make me sound like a bad parent for taking a step back and seeing how things develop?

No, I do not think that makes you a bad parent.

It may work but then again it may not.

He may feel that you do not care enough about him, he may get used to not going. Children can dig their heels in for a very long time sometimes especially when they have another parent who 'supports' them.