What would you do? Child related......

nfollows1982

I don’t want you to think that when I said ‘do nothing’ I meant that I was going to completely disappear out of his life.

At the very least I can use my mum to maintain communication with him, even if that has to be a card with a message from me once a month when my mum sees him.

I don’t want him to ever think that I have forgotten about him and that I am not interested in him, I know how that feels and I’d never in a million years put my own son in that position, no matter how difficult dealing with his mum proves to be.

kj*daisy

Sounds like your son has a fairly bad case of computer addiction due to the slack parenting his mum subscribes too of letting him do what he wants even if that involves hours on end in his room on technology, and like any addict, he's ansty when he can't get his "fix" at your house. She knows that you trying to do things differently is a criticism of how she does things/ the decisions she has made etc. you arent doing it to criticise but she must know or be ignorant that letting children do this is ultimately bad for them. she is also badly undermining you.

I have a child similar age and have had to resort to showing him the research that spells out why if I let him do what he wanted (play on computer games all his free time and on games unsuitable for his age) then I would be doing him no favours as a parent. So although he may not like it, it's my job as a parent to insist he also does other stuff. He accepts those reasons, although grumbles and is grumpy about it. He is also often grumpy on days out. Quite normal aged 11!

As for what you do, I would try to somehow get a message to your son that you miss him and want to see him. Also, although you don't want to go to court, can you request mediation so you can try and get contact back up and running, maybe just taking your son on days out just the 2 of you until things are more on an even keel. See if you can compromise with him a bit to keep contact there, even if it isn't ideal at the moment.

You posted while I was typing but see you're planning on the communication anyway - best of luck with it - you sound like a great dad.

nfollows1982

KJ, you hit the nail on the head there when you mentioned me doing things differently being a criticism of her.

I don't have rules and stuff in my house to criticise her, I might not like it, but it is her house, she is the resident parent and ultimately she makes the decisions whilst he is in her care.

The minute I said to her 'that's your house and your rules, I accept that but I want to do it differently' she absolutely hit the roof and text me a massive list of why she was a great parent and that I have no idea as I'm just 'a part time dad'.

Valli

She took the 'my house my rules' as criticism of her house, her parenting of your son and her rules;)

Can I chip in please - continue to call. Send cards (at the appropriate time). Don't give her the ammunition - you are doing a great job.
As long as one parent maintains some dignity there is always some hope.

And I really admire your endeavours to separate the maintainance for your son with the seeing him.

Good luck with it all.

LEJC

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I have no idea as I'm just 'a part time dad'.

And at the moment it is what you are,you cant deny that...but you can say you want to be more of a parent....and she shouldnt deny you that!

She can make it difficult,but she cant deny you... the only person who can change the situation is you.

If you have to, send your ex a letter by registered post explaining just what access you would like to your son, the threats that her husband/partner issues you are irrelevant to the issue and will only provide a reason for you not to contact them if you want it to be a reason.
I also believe that you will need to invest quite a bit of time in your son and getting to know him and if that means involving his friends too then thats the way forward...you have children of very differing ages and genders and also a new child on the way soon so you will find the task of integrating everyone and keeping them happy quite a challenge at times...its important that you find a way to welcome your son into the new family you are creating...and once he starts to feel more secure about the new situation he will open up.

You could look on it as practice for your wifes 10 year old...shes going to hit her own set issues in the next few years....

cte1111

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I get that, I really honestly do, maybe it would be less of an issue if he lived with me full time.

But put yourself in my position, if your 14 year old was away from you 12 days out of 14, wouldn't you want more from your 2 day relationship than the top of a head over a laptop?

I miss him when he's not around, I just don't want the weekends to pass us by without feeling like we've done everything.

I get 2 days to catch up on school and what he's been up to, how he's feeling etc etc, it soon turns to Sunday and him going home

I think you are putting your wants and needs above those of your son. It's a natural thing to do, but not really what the parent / child relationship is about. Just because you put yourself out by driving a long way, it doesn't mean that your son owes you some quality father / son experiences, however much you want that to happen.

I do understand where you are coming from, my ten year old DD would love to spend all down time watching TV or on the computer, but we limit her time as I think she should be doing other activities too, including spending some time playing with her little brother, if possible. However she lives with me, so I am the main parenting influence in her life and can lay down these ground rules. That is not the case with your son, so I think it is best to come to terms with that.

Once children are old enough to express a preference, then choosing whether to visit a NRP is pretty much their decision. If I were you, I think I would do whatever I could to re-start contact with your son and try and be more relaxed about his behaviour when at your home. It's not easy, but then parenting isn't I'm afraid.

tattycath

Originally Posted by nfollows1982
I get that, I really honestly do, maybe it would be less of an issue if he lived with me full time.

But put yourself in my position, if your 14 year old was away from you 12 days out of 14, wouldn't you want more from your 2 day relationship than the top of a head over a laptop?

I miss him when he's not around, I just don't want the weekends to pass us by without feeling like we've done everything.

I get 2 days to catch up on school and what he's been up to, how he's feeling etc etc, it soon turns to Sunday and him going home

cte1111 wrote: »

I think you are putting your wants and needs above those of your son. It's a natural thing to do, but not really what the parent / child relationship is about. Just because you put yourself out by driving a long way, it doesn't mean that your son owes you some quality father / son experiences, however much you want that to happen.

I disagree, I think the OP meant he wants more for both his son and him-and not in the selfish way you infer.

I do understand where you are coming from, my ten year old DD would love to spend all down time watching TV or on the computer, but we limit her time as I think she should be doing other activities too, including spending some time playing with her little brother, if possible. However she lives with me, so I am the main parenting influence in her life and can lay down these ground rules. That is not the case with your son, so I think it is best to come to terms with that.
I disagree with this, the OP understands the child's mother is the main parenting influence in his life, but surely in the OPs house what the OP says-goes and there is nothing for the OP to come to terms with regarding this. Just because the mother is the main influence does not mean she can dictate what happens in the Father's house-however much she may want to.

Once children are old enough to express a preference, then choosing whether to visit a NRP is pretty much their decision. If I were you, I think I would do whatever I could to re-start contact with your son and try and be more relaxed about his behaviour when at your home. It's not easy, but then parenting isn't I'm afraid.

Totally agree with this statement. The problem with some pwcs is that they like to rule the roost as opposed to looking at what is in the best interests of the child.

cte1111

The point I was trying to make was, the child isn't actually doing anything majorly wrong when at his Dad's house. If he was swearing at his step-mother, hitting his step-sisters and throwing food around the house, then yes I would agree that this is unacceptable behaviour which needs to be halted. However he's just being an ordinary 11 year old child.

Currently, the OP has lost all contact with his child. Surely his first priority should be righting that, in any way possible.

Having read the thread from the beginning, I'm afraid he comes over as rather self-righteous. He made the decision to move away from his son. So moaning about the distance or wanting a big pat on the back for driving to pick him up is a bit silly really. He's meant to be the parent and is currently acting a bit like a sulky child, by 'punishing' his son for not doing what he wants, he is risking losing their relationship forever. If I were him, I would be doing everything in my power to get back what I had with my child, not leaving him to somehow come to his own conclusion and ask to go back to his Dad's house. Not fighting for him at this point is tantamount to rejecting your son.

nfollows1982

cte1111 wrote: »

The point I was trying to make was, the child isn't actually doing anything majorly wrong when at his Dad's house. If he was swearing at his step-mother, hitting his step-sisters and throwing food around the house, then yes I would agree that this is unacceptable behaviour which needs to be halted. However he's just being an ordinary 11 year old child.

Currently, the OP has lost all contact with his child. Surely his first priority should be righting that, in any way possible.

Having read the thread from the beginning, I'm afraid he comes over as rather self-righteous. He made the decision to move away from his son. So moaning about the distance or wanting a big pat on the back for driving to pick him up is a bit silly really. He's meant to be the parent and is currently acting a bit like a sulky child, by 'punishing' his son for not doing what he wants, he is risking losing their relationship forever. If I were him, I would be doing everything in my power to get back what I had with my child, not leaving him to somehow come to his own conclusion and ask to go back to his Dad's house. Not fighting for him at this point is tantamount to rejecting your son.

Thanks for your contribution but I think this post is the biggest load of bull I've read. I'm certainly not self righteous and I doubt you've read the whole thread if you think this is about me wanting credit for being a dad. Think before you open your mouth

cte1111

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Thanks for your contribution but I think this post is the biggest load of bull I've read. I'm certainly not self righteous and I doubt you've read the whole thread if you think this is about me wanting credit for being a dad. Think before you open your mouth

I have read the whole thread and that is how you come over. You can choose to ignore that, but that is the impression that you are currently giving. You evidently want a great relationship with your son, but are willing to instead have no relationship at all, if it's not on your own terms. That is by definition selfish.

I can appreciate how hard it must be to not see your son every day. However surely seeing him regularly is better than not seeing him at all?

Why do you mention the distance / driving so often if you don't want credit for it? In the quote above, you've stated clearly that you feel you deserve something back from your son, because of how much you have been put out. It's just not how it works.

I agree that your household rules seem better suited to bringing up happy well rounded children. None of us are saying that's it's a good thing for a child to have their own way all the time, or spend 24 hours a day looking at a screen. That's not what this discussion should be about.

You have stated that you have decided to do 'nothing' about the fact that your son does not want to see you. This is not going to get him back.