What would you do? Child related......

tattycath

cte1111 wrote: »

I have read the whole thread and that is how you come over. You can choose to ignore that, but that is the impression that you are currently giving. You evidently want a great relationship with your son, but are willing to instead have no relationship at all, if it's not on your own terms. That is by definition selfish.

I can appreciate how hard it must be to not see your son every day. However surely seeing him regularly is better than not seeing him at all?

Why do you mention the distance / driving so often if you don't want credit for it? In the quote above, you've stated clearly that you feel you deserve something back from your son, because of how much you have been put out. It's just not how it works.

I agree that your household rules seem better suited to bringing up happy well rounded children. None of us are saying that's it's a good thing for a child to have their own way all the time, or spend 24 hours a day looking at a screen. That's not what this discussion should be about.

You have stated that you have decided to do 'nothing' about the fact that your son does not want to see you. This is not going to get him back.

I have also read the thread from start to finish and think the OP comes over as a caring, loving nrp who is asking for help and advice as to how to get things back on track, his relationship with his son is being halted by his ex (who from what I have read is the one who seems to be doing her utmost to selfishly be stopping contact for whatever reason).
So I don't think we can be reading the same thread...
Hope you manage to sort things out OP.

tattycath

cte1111 wrote: »

I have read the whole thread and that is how you come over. You can choose to ignore that, but that is the impression that you are currently giving. You evidently want a great relationship with your son, but are willing to instead have no relationship at all, if it's not on your own terms. That is by definition selfish.
The OP hasn't said that he doesn't want to see his son only on his own terms (as far as I can see)
I can appreciate how hard it must be to not see your son every day. However surely seeing him regularly is better than not seeing him at all?
His ex is stopping contact

Why do you mention the distance / driving so often if you don't want credit for it? In the quote above, you've stated clearly that you feel you deserve something back from your son, because of how much you have been put out. It's just not how it works.
I believe this to be factual as opposed to bragging

I agree that your household rules seem better suited to bringing up happy well rounded children. None of us are saying that's it's a good thing for a child to have their own way all the time, or spend 24 hours a day looking at a screen. That's not what this discussion should be about.
I didn't realise it was solely about that-this is not how it appears to me

You have stated that you have decided to do 'nothing' about the fact that your son does not want to see you. This is not going to get him back.

This is true, however he has said he will send messages to his son through the son's grandma. As he cannot contact his son any other way because ex is blocking contact. Other than dragging it through the courts-what else do you suggest?

POPPYOSCAR

cte1111 wrote: »

I have read the whole thread and that is how you come over. You can choose to ignore that, but that is the impression that you are currently giving. You evidently want a great relationship with your son, but are willing to instead have no relationship at all, if it's not on your own terms. That is by definition selfish.

I can appreciate how hard it must be to not see your son every day. However surely seeing him regularly is better than not seeing him at all?

Why do you mention the distance / driving so often if you don't want credit for it? In the quote above, you've stated clearly that you feel you deserve something back from your son, because of how much you have been put out. It's just not how it works.

I agree that your household rules seem better suited to bringing up happy well rounded children. None of us are saying that's it's a good thing for a child to have their own way all the time, or spend 24 hours a day looking at a screen. That's not what this discussion should be about.

You have stated that you have decided to do 'nothing' about the fact that your son does not want to see you. This is not going to get him back.

My personal opinion is the same as this.

It may work but I doubt it, I hope I am wrong.

Sambucus_Nigra

Have you thought about asking your mum to ask your son what he wants you to do?

barbiedoll

OP, I've read through the whole thread and I do sympathise with your predicament. Even after 9 years, it sounds as though your ex is bitter and resentful and she really doesn't realise the harm that she may do to her son by cutting him off from his father.

11 year old boys can be stroppy, moody and addicted to games/phones/laptops, it's perfectly normal behaviour. You say that he has had a good relationship with his stepmum and his step-sisters and that he's interested in the new baby (boys tend to love babies!) so if you write him a card or note that your mum can give him, do let him know that they are all missing him. Stress that his sisters are asking about him every day and that they are upset that their big brother hasn't visited in a while. Do you know what sex the new baby will be? If it's a boy then you can say that at last there will be another male in a family full of females and if it's a girl, tell him that it will be yet another sister who will need a big brother for protection!

Don't give up on him, it's very hard to fight against the constant drip drip of negative stuff that he's probably getting about your family from his mum. And his step-dad sounds like a real charmer, you'd think he'd encourage you to be a father to your son, not threaten you, what a d***head. You should try calling her again, and maybe try recording the call, if you get any more threats then definitely report it to the police, if only to get it on file.

Keep the lines of communication open, you don't have to wait until Xmas and birthdays to send him a card, get the girls to draw him a picture and send it to him, get photos of him with you printed up and send them to him. If your ex tells him that you aren't bothered about him any longer, he will believe her if he doesn't hear from you. Does your wife speak to your ex? Could she call up and ask to speak to him or is that just fanning the flames? I don't know what's wrong with these stupid women who think that they can just write a father out of a child's life. I bet she'd soon start whinging if you stopped sending her money for his care, yet she thinks that you're not a good enough parent to spend time with him.

If all else fails, maybe speak to a solicitor and send a carefully-worded letter with a threat of court action. It may be enough to make her think again.

FBaby

OP, I've read your thread in full and these are my comments:
- you started this thread by mentioning your concern that your son doesn't seem interested in participating in activities with your family and spends to much time on his own with electronics. Yet... he does go out with you on family outings, spends much 1-1 time with you, see his friend regularly, goes to football with your mum and participate with some chores. Surely that already keeps him quite busy and so him spending the rest of his time alone on the computer is not spending ALL his time doing so. It is totally normal for a boy his age to want some privacy when nothing much is happening at home, regardless of the dynamic of the family.
- I have to say you do come across as putting quite some blame on his mother as well as a aura in your threads that your new family is well-adjusted (to not say 'perfect', whilst there is a lot to desire with his mum. I get the feeling that it is not your intention, but it does filter through quite a bit here and I am therefore wondering if you don't make the same insinuations towards your son and his mum. Sometimes passive communication can be even more aggressive than direct words. That could explain why she is reacting so defensively in return.
- From my own experience of growing up with divorced parents, could your son feel out of touch with your new family? I very much felt like this with my dad's family when I was a teenager and it made me withdraw into myself. By that I meant that most of the conversations centred around subjets, people, events that didn't concerned me at all and I knew little or nothing about, and therefore felt quite excluded. Plans were arranged around my step-sister, and even if I was included in it, it did feel that she was at the centre of the family life rather than me. As a whole, instead of feeling 'part', I felt 'attached next to' and that at an age of self-consciousness felt incredibly uncomfortable but I couldn't tell my dad mostly because at that time, I didn't even understand these feelings, let alone being able to express them.
- As a mum of a almost 10 yo boy who finds himself with 4 girls when he goes visit his dad, I can also understand how your son can feel a bit distant. My boy gets along with his sister and step-sisters, but really craves to be around boys his age. It is becoming more obvious as he is getting older and he has already started asking on a couple of occasions if he could come back earlier to do something local.
- In conclusion, I suspect the way your son behaves is a mixture of many different things rather than just his mum (and step-dad) raising him badly and not setting up rules. My suggestion if you want to make sure that your son doesn't distance himself from you is mainly to accept him as he is and not expect him to mold himself to your new family dynamics. Try to insure you are not putting your new family on a pedestral which by doing so might make him feel like you are critisising his mum and step-dad, even if it is not your intention. Continue with the 1-1 and try to gradually encourage him to open up to you. For that, he needs to trust you are not going to be critical, or defensive, or hurt. In the end, if he could tell you exactly what he feels and want, you would have the answer to all your questions.

thehappybutterfly

Your son's behaviour can probably be attributed to his mum's attitude towards you. Does she badmouth you and your new family to your son? If he's hearing all sorts of negative stuff, that can be very wearing and contagious.

If you can get back in touch with him, via FB, MSN, email etc., instead of having scheduled fortnightly weekends when he HAS to come and spend time with you all, why don't you start telling him what your plans are for next weekend and ask him if he'd like to join you? That way he can decide for himself if he'd like to have some family time.

FWIW, he sounds pretty normal. My son at that age was a right crank when he was dragged away from his PS but it does pass! Someone summed it up as a chauvinistic, grunting button presser and they were spot on!

Torndao01

Quote OP:

Basically my ex has now turned round and said he only wants to come to stay with me if he doesn’t have to join in with family time and he wants to spend all weekend sat in front of his laptop.

I want to see him, but I want more of a relationship with him than him sat on his laptop all weekend and not interacting with me or anyone else.

I'm confused, if this is what has been said, why can't you put up with your DS spending his whole weekend if he wants on his laptop. At least you would still be seeing him, he would know you still want to see him.

If you stamp your heels in and do not see him, it is more than likely you will have no relationship with him at all.

If you continue to see him you will have the opportunity to ENCOURAGE less use of the laptop and more family time.

Refusing to move on the laptop issue is just playing into your ex's hands and now your DS will be spending every weekend on his laptop, but with no one encouraging any different.

Stop and think, you can see your DS, so refusing to accept him being an average hormonal 11 year old, stuck on the computer, is you choosing not to see him.

This could be just a stage of life for him and you maybe throwing away your relationship with your DS>

I think you are right in the fact kids shouldn't be on the laptop all the time, but the most important thing at the moment is seeing your DS. Not seeing him will have a more negative effect on his life than spending too much time on the laptop.

I can hear your ex wife now "DS your Dad prefers to be right, that see you".

POPPYOSCAR

Torndao01 wrote: »

Quote OP:

Basically my ex has now turned round and said he only wants to come to stay with me if he doesn’t have to join in with family time and he wants to spend all weekend sat in front of his laptop.

I want to see him, but I want more of a relationship with him than him sat on his laptop all weekend and not interacting with me or anyone else.

I'm confused, if this is what has been said, why can't you put up with your DS spending his whole weekend if he wants on his laptop. At least you would still be seeing him, he would know you still want to see him.

If you stamp your heels in and do not see him, it is more than likely you will have no relationship with him at all.

If you continue to see him you will have the opportunity to ENCOURAGE less use of the laptop and more family time.

Refusing to move on the laptop issue is just playing into your ex's hands and now your DS will be spending every weekend on his laptop, but with no one encouraging any different.

Stop and think, you can see your DS, so refusing to accept him being an average hormonal 11 year old, stuck on the computer, is you choosing not to see him.

This could be just a stage of life for him and you maybe throwing away your relationship with your DS>

I think you are right in the fact kids shouldn't be on the laptop all the time, but the most important thing at the moment is seeing your DS. Not seeing him will have a more negative effect on his life than spending too much time on the laptop.

I can hear your ex wife now "DS your Dad prefers to be right, that see you".

This is an excellent post.

I see it that way as well.

cazziebo

balletshoes wrote: »

thats not unusual behaviour for an 11-year old, whether they live with you permanently or not.

This! Welcome to the world of parenting teenagers. I wouldn't read too much into either your son or his mother's behaviour. It's a very difficult situation for everyone. Your son is transplanted into a different world every two weeks, with different expectations of behaviour. His mum is only getting his - likely jaundiced - view of what's going on and like any parent would, will be concerned her son is being unfairly treated. Your three step daughters have to cope with a stranger coming into their lives intermittently. Your wife won't yet have been exposed to the horrors of teenagers so will be seeing your son as a monster while her daughters are perfect ( I certainly thought mine were at that age!)

Having said that, i wouldn't change boundaries. Make it clear that some behaviours are just not acceptable in your home, but don't set unrealistic expectations. Spending some father and son time is a good idea - less of an audience so less pressure. I can't think of many activities that would appeal to both adolescent boys and pre teen girls.

and if my experience is anything to go by, just wait until your daughters start to hit 13..and batten down the hatches for the next 5 years!