What would you do? Child related......

olibrofiz

From another angle -

When my DD was your sons age I was in a similar situation to you I think - but as the RP. On a Monday DD would start .....complaining bitterly about going, cry, wail, strop, develop a critical illness etc, which would get worse the nearer to Friday it got.

It was because she was missing out on a developing social life. It would have been soooo easy to give in, but apart from the odd occasion, she went! And from about 13 she occasionally took a friend, which helped. Your ex is doing your son, or herself, no favours.

When DD couldn't go her dad would come down and take her out for the day - they'd go for lunch, bowling, cinema or something similar. This may be something to think about - even if it's pick up at 11 and drop home at 4 it gives you some one on one time together.

(Dunno why the angry face is there! Couldn't edit it out)

Fire_Fox

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Contact has always been arranged between us, there are no court orders in place for contact, so she isn’t breaking any rules.

I don’t normally get back with him on a Friday night until 8.30pm, so we just tend to relax together then.

I always have 1 on 1 time; it’s usually on a Saturday afternoon as the girls have activities that my wife takes them to.

Me made sure that he got quality time with me as I know that’s vitally important.

But there are times when we do things as a family, days out etc and he never seems interested and drags his feet around and doesn’t seem to enjoy it!

One possibility is your son basically has an addiction to games/ technology. Another is that he may not really feel that the time is quality one to one time, your post reads that you do it then because it's convenient - this could be twisted to you not really having anything better to do than spend time with your son. Note that I said twisted I am not suggesting that is really the case.

Also just because you describe all of you as a family doesn't mean your son feels that way, you are comfortable with the girls because you see them all the time, but perhaps they are not family to him. When you say 'we' it's unclear who you are referring you, you and your partner or you and all the women, like you are a package deal instead of Dad/ I. He may feel excluded, however hard you all are trying to make him feel included. At his age your son may not even be fully aware of how he is feeling or able to articulate this.

IMO try to spend more time just the two of you away from the rest of the family, be that going away for a full weekend or going out and leaving all the others at home. Try to construct a better father-son relationship before you expect him to have a relationship with his step family. The latter may be quite challenging for your son if he is not developing social skills at his mother's house.

Saint_Chris

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I have been seperated from his mum for 9 years, it's not like I have recently seperated and jumped straight into my current situation.

Hi, i noticed that you wrote this the other day,

but i also remember you writing this on another thread.

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I haven't had time to read the 101 pages of this thread, but if we are still on topic then I'd recommend Plenty of Fish.

Met my wife on there in March 2011, we married in March 2012 and our first child together is due in January 2013.

Internet dating has it's critics, but it does work for some!!

Right so i'm guessing that you seperated from your ex 9 years ago when your son was 2. And i guess that you have had contact with him for all these years, as a single man/parent, so it's just been the 2 of you.
Then in march 2011 you met your wife, and married 12 months later, so your son would have been 10/11 when you married, and he has recently been introduced to his new family. even if he met his new sisters in march 2011, that's only 18 months ago, and he only sees them once a fortnight, then i would imagine that he does struggle with contact with them, and 18 months is not a long time for a young lad to adjust.

Before you married did you live near your son, or did you live the distance you do now?, have you gone from seeing him a lot when you was single and now once a fortnight, because you have moved to go and live with your new wife.


I also do agree with others, he is a young boy, who wants to play on computers, trying to get a word out of my 6 year old grandson when he's playing (in his alloted time) on the computer is a nightmare.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but i would say don't loose contact with your son.

nfollows1982

Morning everyone,

I just thought I would post a little update on the situation which has taken a disappointing step.

I’d got my dates wrong and my mum actually had my son for football on Saturday just gone.

Anyway, she picked him up from his mums, reception was rather frosty, but he was excited about going to football so they went and had a nice day.

My mum had a good chat with my son about the issues that have been discussed in this thread; he is adamant that he’s not the one who has a problem with coming to stay, it’s his mum.

He has told my mum that he has enjoyed the days out we’ve had, he hasn’t got any issues with the 3 girls and that his mum has been sending him to my house with instructions not to get involved and to do his own thing.

He’s withdrawn himself from the activities that we do as a family because his mum has said to him ‘the girls are not your sisters, that’s not your family and you shouldn’t have to take part’.

Anyway, I text my mum whilst they were coming out of football asking to speak to my son, he told her that he wasn’t sure if he was allowed.

My mum said she wasn’t going to stand in the way of him speaking to his dad so he rang me. I spoke to him, told him how much I love him and that we all miss him and made sure he knew how much we all wanted to be part of our family.

My mum then dropped him back off at home and queue the fireworks……….

His mum text me and my mum saying she was fuming that she had allowed my son to talk to me. That neither of us have any right going against her wishes and she was going to make sure that it never happened again.

I replied asking exactly what her problem was, putting her other issues aside it was a 2 minute phone call. She said if she doesn’t want him to speak to me he won’t. She said that she has changed his number and my mum shouldn’t have allowed me to speak to her. She gave no response to what her actual problem is.

She sent quite a nasty message to my mum on Saturday night which really upset her. My mum replied saying that she wasn’t going to get in the way of my son speaking to me and she didn’t understand what the problem was.

My mum then got a phone call on Sunday morning telling her that she wasn’t welcome to pick my son up for football anymore. Apparently she can’t be trusted!! She’s been told that my ex will be changing her mobile number and the house number and that none of us are to ever contact her again and that if any of us turn up at the house to collect my son ‘there will be consequences’.

So she’s not only taken away his involvement with me, she’s now taken away his involvement with my mum and taken away football, which is something that he has done with us for the last 3 years and absolutely loves.

I managed to get in with our family solicitor this morning and I don’t qualify for legal aid. She’s said, in all honesty, with how difficult my ex is likely to make things that we could be looking at a very long and difficult battle and a legal bill that runs into the £1000’s.

My solicitor has advised that my ex can throw as many obstacles in the way and it may be the case that the court may side with her regarding overnight stays. The primary factor being the distance and the court could rule that it is not unreasonable for her to object to overnight stays as he would not be local enough to her if any problems arose whilst in my care. It’s most likely to go against me as it was my decision to move, rather than the distance being created by her moving away with my son.

Even though my son’s feelings would be taken into consideration, we could still be looking at contact taking place during the day, in his home town, and not getting back to the arrangement that’s been in place for him to spend alternate weekends in my care.

I really am at my wits end now.

Amanda65

How awful for your and your son (and your Mum) that your ex is so mean and spiteful that she will use your son in that way.

No real advice I'm afraid but wanted to acknowledge this latest setback. Your son deserves you to fight for him and surely the fact that you are providing for him financially and he wants to see you must hold some sway? The only thing I can suggest is that you contact an organisation such as Families Need Father's who may be able to offer some advice and support

http://www.fnf.org.uk/

Good luck

kelpie35

So sorry that thing have taken a backward step.

Do you think your son might rebel against his mother's decision?

I don't know what other advice to offer other than you send a letter to your son on a regular basis letting him know how sad you are with not seeing him and also how much you love him.

Another thought but not too sure if it would help.

Would it be possible for you to contact the social work dept. in the area that your son stays and have a talk with them?

Try to keep your chin up and keep calm.

nfollows1982

I’m just so confused as to what to do from here; I have to do what is best for my son.

I spoke to my mum a lot yesterday and we discussed the impact that the 2 likely scenarios are to have on my son’s life, with the scenarios being:

We fight against his mum and she continues to spend the next 5 years (until he’s 16 and can make his own choice) continuously letting him in and out of our lives, never allowing any period of stability.

Or, we don’t do anything and make sure that both our doors are open for when the situation changes; even if we have to face up to the prospect of that being several years.

My son starts secondary school next year. He’s an intelligent boy and he’s got a real opportunity to make something good of his life. I want him to fulfil his potential and make sure he doesn’t end up like his mum and step dad with no job, living off the government and no prospects.

Of course I want to see my son but if my ex is going to use him as a pawn in her games for ever more I worry about what effect that’s going to have on him in the long run.

I just feel deflated today.

CH27

I would go down the legal route. I know it will be expensive but you will be sending a very clear message to your ex that you will not let your son go.
It's also sending a message to your son that you love him & will fight to be with him.

Now you've spoken to your son he knows you love him & you know he loves you. Hang on to that.

RAS

Contact Families Need Father now.

You do not need a lawyer to go to court, a good many on here have been successrfult without one.

FNF also have a number of Mackenzie Friends who are people who have been through the mill and can help you with court dates.

You absolutely must keep the texts from your ex and get mum to write down exactly what was said by your ex and by your son on Saturday and Sunday. Plus any other text fro your ex at all times.

I have to say that calling your son this week was probably not a good idea. I would have let your mum talk to him this week and then tried to phone him the next time she had contact.

Mojisola

nfollows1982 wrote: »

His mum text me and my mum saying she was fuming that she had allowed my son to talk to me. That neither of us have any right going against her wishes and she was going to make sure that it never happened again.

I replied asking exactly what her problem was, putting her other issues aside it was a 2 minute phone call. She said if she doesn’t want him to speak to me he won’t. She said that she has changed his number and my mum shouldn’t have allowed me to speak to her. She gave no response to what her actual problem is.

She sent quite a nasty message to my mum on Saturday night which really upset her. My mum replied saying that she wasn’t going to get in the way of my son speaking to me and she didn’t understand what the problem was.

My mum then got a phone call on Sunday morning telling her that she wasn’t welcome to pick my son up for football anymore. Apparently she can’t be trusted!! She’s been told that my ex will be changing her mobile number and the house number and that none of us are to ever contact her again and that if any of us turn up at the house to collect my son ‘there will be consequences’.

Keep all these texts and any emails. Later on, she will no doubt deny saying any of these things and will try to blame you for everything.

Do get in contact with Families Need Fathers.

Mothers who behave like this are despicable. If she really loved your son, she would not use him as a pawn in her power games.