What would you do? Child related......

nfollows1982

Of course I want to see him but I don't think at 11 years old he should be dictating the grounds on which he comes.

I understand that he likes his laptop, I understand that when he comes to visit he will want to have some time doing that but I don't think he should expect to spend the whole weekend on it.

Whether we've all been out together, or I've been out with my son we all flop together on a Saturday night and watch a movie (or the xfactor if I have the remote!!) and I'm happy for him and the other kids to do their own thing, he gets an opportunity to sit and relax at the end of the day and chill in his own little world.

LEJC

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I want more of a relationship with him than the occasional grunt over the laptop screen.

I'm the parent of a 14 year old and sometimes thats all you get...however I watch how he interacts with his friends and then I see a lively vibrant young man....there are times when maybe thats the image he wants to promote.

nfollows1982

pandora205 wrote: »

Hmm this is a tricky one involving different parenting expectations, impending adolescence and addiction to the computer plus changes in routine (missing home/mum and friends), jealousy and loneliness/boredom.

OP probably can't change mum's parenting very much or avoid adolescence so that leaves the addiction, jealousy and loneliness/boredom.


Here are some ideas:

• to change a habit there needs to be motivation. If this lad is to willingly give up the phone/computer, he needs something to motivate him. This could be a conventional reward system (earning points towards something) or substituting another activity that is incompatible. A chat with him may well identify the best approach. He does get rewards and he gets pocket money from me that he has to do little bits to earn.
• to address the jealousy (a very natural reaction) a man to man chat - or possibly a letter - is in order. Is he told how he is loved, important and special? He appears to already get time on his own to do things. Perhaps let him choose these himself and find activities that the girls would not have chosen. Another way of this is including him in the 'grown up' activities, especially as he is older, such as cooking or decorating. I tell him every day he is with me that I love him, I always give him lots of cuddles and make sure he knows how loved he is. He choses his own activities, we do 'lads' things when the girls aren't around which he choses.
• to address the loneliness he may well need to find a friend locally. Perhaps take him to an activity such as football (check that it is possible fortnightly) or BMX riding (sorry to be stereotypical but these sprung to mind), then invite someone back to play. In some areas there are 'dads and lads' groups where there are shared activities. He is friends with the boy who lives next door to my mum down the road. His friend has been invited round and my son goes and has a few hours with his friend away from us so he can do his own thing. Not every weekend, but I do make sure he gets to see his friend as they are close.
• to address the boredom (and the addiction) it would be useful to find a similar home activity that will fill the time. How about board games? At this age he could learn to play chess, monopoly and could certainly play draughts, and many other board games. And how about doing some reading together (say stuff like Darren Shan) with a hope to encouraging him to do this independently. He's got a massive pile of board games, all chosen by him. Simpsons games, monopoly, connect 4 etc etc. He's got a bedroom full of different things at my house but when you ask him to play a game, whether it be me and him or all of us, if it takes him away from his laptop he just looks completely uninterested.

I've put some comments against your suggestions

nfollows1982

LEJC wrote: »

I'm the parent of a 14 year old and sometimes thats all you get...however I watch how he interacts with his friends and then I see a lively vibrant young man....there are times when maybe thats the image he wants to promote.

I get that, I really honestly do, maybe it would be less of an issue if he lived with me full time.

But put yourself in my position, if your 14 year old was away from you 12 days out of 14, wouldn't you want more from your 2 day relationship than the top of a head over a laptop?

I miss him when he's not around, I just don't want the weekends to pass us by without feeling like we've done everything.

I get 2 days to catch up on school and what he's been up to, how he's feeling etc etc, it soon turns to Sunday and him going home

POPPYOSCAR

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Of course I want to see him but I don't think at 11 years old he should be dictating the grounds on which he comes.

I understand that he likes his laptop, I understand that when he comes to visit he will want to have some time doing that but I don't think he should expect to spend the whole weekend on it.

Whether we've all been out together, or I've been out with my son we all flop together on a Saturday night and watch a movie (or the xfactor if I have the remote!!) and I'm happy for him and the other kids to do their own thing, he gets an opportunity to sit and relax at the end of the day and chill in his own little world.

I agree.

However, as he does not live with you it is going to be more difficult for you to control his behaviour.

As I see it you will have to come to some sort of compromise if you want to see him on a regular basis and have an ongoing relationship with him.

Unfortunately, you are not in a position to call the shots without possible repercussion.

red_devil

op you sound a great dad anyone who is prepared to travel miles over the weekend to see their son is caring and committed.

Your ex and your son are the problem not you. He cant do what he likes at your house its your house not the exes. its sounds pretty horrible and addictive to be in front of screens all the time and something ex should not be encouraging at all. Your not wrong for wanting him not be on them at all times.

Its their loss to be honest. I never understand why parents and children are so destructive. He has a dad thats wanting to be with him and travelling miles to see him and he's being a !!!!.

I expect that there are boys in his class who have a dad that dont bother at all and they wish they would.

It sucks how people want to make life difficult and the ex should be glad he has a dad that wants to be in his life too without trying to sabotage it.:mad:

tattycath

Ok FWIW Firstly, I think you should go down the court route if your ex has stopped all contact.
Secondly, I think it should be made clear that at mum's house it's mum's rules and at Dad's house it's Dad's rules.
Does your son have any hobbies or interests? other than games consoles etc?
Maybe if you eased him out of his techi routine gently -for example, gradually reduce his gaming time as opposed to a sudden drastic reduction.
HTH
Good luck.

LEJC

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I get that, I really honestly do, maybe it would be less of an issue if he lived with me full time.

But put yourself in my position, if your 14 year old was away from you 12 days out of 14, wouldn't you want more from your 2 day relationship that the top of a head over a laptop?

Do you ever get him for longer periods of time...ie in the holidays, I think its very difficult to interact with any child in a meaningful way when you only get to see them for short periods of time....

The point I was trying to make is that you only see what he wants you to see...and at the moment its the "laptop boy"...

balletshoes

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I get that, I really honestly do, maybe it would be less of an issue if he lived with me full time.

But put yourself in my position, if your 14 year old was away from you 12 days out of 14, wouldn't you want more from your 2 day relationship than the top of a head over a laptop?

I miss him when he's not around, I just don't want the weekends to pass us by without feeling like we've done everything.

I get 2 days to catch up on school and what he's been up to, how he's feeling etc etc, it soon turns to Sunday and him going home

but thats all perfectly normal in a household where the kids are there full time. I understand that because you see him only some of the time, you want that time filled with interacting with your son. I get that. However, for your son your house is usually part of his routine, its where he goes once a fortnight and stays over with his Dad (I don't know how much part of the family he feels, but at least he is having time with you). If he doesn't usually feel comfortable at home enthusing and chatting for 2 days straight, I do think its a bit unreasonable to expect him to do that at your home.

What would I do in your shoes? Carry on the way you were before his Mum stopped contact. Your son tags along, he doesn't refuse to do family stuff you ask him to do, he may not be singing and dancing while he's doing it, but he's doing it. And then in down time (not at mealtimes etc) if he wants to be on his laptop/phone, I don't see anything wrong with that.
Thats what I'd do, because at least that way you're seeing your son. To him this is you caring, being with him and letting him do whats normal for him, so he can relax and not be on edge, expected to behave and interact in a certain way all the time he's with you.

I do suspect, if you cut contact because the interaction when he's with you is not all you'd hope for, you will find him drifting away from you.

nfollows1982

LEJC wrote: »

How do your wife and girls interact with your son....or do they not really get involved?

My wife has been great with him, she was conscious of the fact he’s got a mum so didn’t force herself into his affections; we let him come to her when he was comfortable.

In fact it was my son who asked for more attention from her when we had initial teething problems so she always takes an interest in him when he’s with us.

The two youngest girls really like him, always asking when he’s coming next and are a little less put out when they get ignored, it just goes over their head.

The eldest girl, who is nearly 10, does get on with him as they share similar interests and she’s a bit of a tomboy so she likes football and the xbox etc. But she’s a little more put out when she gets ignored or she tries to get my son to play xbox with her or talk to him about their interests as he doesn’t seem interested.