What would you do? Child related......

19lottie82

cheepskate wrote: »

Sorry i'm going to take a different route.

You look after and interact with your wife's children every day.
Once every 2 weeks you have YOUR son and you want him to share that tiny bit of time with everybody.
This is Your son, You need to build a good enough relationship with him so that HE wants to spend time with YOU.
no wonder your son is jealous, these girls that are not even yours get to spend unlimited time with you, but he has to share it.
Later on once you have built a relationship with him, then occasionally could be family day.
Your ex, is just sticking up for her son, right or wrong does not matter, if you had built up a relationship with your own child he would want to spend time with you doing fun things- that appeal to boys or him,

What utter piffle! The OP has already told us that during every weekend visit he spends a full day on 1-1 time with his son.

He is trying to raise his boy to be respectful and social, skills that will help him just now, and later on in life.

His ex sounds a nightmare! "Just sticking up for her son"? So would you stick up for your child, no matter what they had done, even if it was wrong? Or would you support them in whatever they wanted to do, not caring if it lead them to become a spoiled brat?

Mojisola

It does sound as if your ex is taking the easy way out at the moment and not parenting properly. If he has his own way all the time at this age, he could be a nightmare by the time he's 15!

The problem is that most 11 year olds, when given the option of staying where they get their own way or going to a house where there are rules, is likely to choose the soft option.

Your ex should not be cutting off communication between you and your son. It's somewhat of an over-reaction after years of reasonable contact. Perhaps she knows she should be setting boundaries for him and the contrast with your household is making her feel guilty.

You may need to start down the legal route. Make contact with one of the Father's Rights support groups and follow their advice. They will have had plenty of experience with similar situations.

princeofpounds

I think there is one thing you might need to bear in mind. Him wanting to play computer games and so on might not be solely the product of jealousy. It's quite likely that's his main form of entertainment. When he gets to the weekend, like many people he probably wants to flop and chill out a little bit. Being thrust into a busy, female-oriented environment and having to 'make an effort' is probably the last thing he wants to do.

Now that's not to excuse him, but there will be a lot of people saying it will just be about jealousy and affection and I think it is likely to be more nuanced than that, particularly given what you have said about your relationship with him.

Now, I also totally disagree with your ex about rules as I am sure anyone sensible will. Whilst he is with you, you have reponsibility for him, and he needs to be following your rules. You also have a right to contact given that you are his father. And given the way he is developing, I think it's almost a duty to expose him to more of the world than his mother is doing.

However, I would be thinking of ways to try to enforce rules without making it the only issue going. For example, rather than simply saying 'give me all your electronics, and go and play with your sisters doing what they want to do', try to develop activities that are simply not compatible with spending too much time on a computer. Anything outdoors is great, or visits to various interesting places. Try not to make it a boot camp exercise situation as it's unlikely he would enjoy that.

So for example, have a family lunch, take him out to a show farm, meet some of the animals, see the equipment and so on. That will take 3 hours or so. Get back home for a family dinner. And then if he wants to play his computer instead of watch the TV your family wants to watch in the evening fine.

That's all just illustrative, obviously your reality will be different, but I hope you catch my meaning.

LEJC

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I don't know any of his friends or any of the parents.

Unfortunately living so far away, I don't get to do the school run and meet his friends or the parents, so taking them away for the weekend is highly unlikely at this stage

but you could ask your son iabout his friends and from there have a conversation which may lead to you finding out about his life...

Perhaps when hes on his mobile hes texting his friends...its not difficult to start a conversation about his interests etc...

And moving on from there...whilst you are against the use of the computer etc how about embracing it rather than fighting it...one time why not challenge him to a game and see what it is that hes spending so much time with...

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Family situation at home for him is mum, step dad and my son.

They don't make any effort as a family to take my son anywhere. All the days out he has had over the last couple of years have been when he has been with me.

His routine is PS3, laptop and phone at home, although he does have some good friends at school who he plays out with.

Well, to be honest, if he's permanently attached to technology, drags his feet and sulks - why would anybody want to take him anywhere unless it's for creating a show of a big, happy family?

You aren't getting any special treatment from him - and if his mum is saying he's just the same there, perhaps it's not her or you at fault - he's just a grumpy adolescent?

fannyanna

Like you said he doesn't have a "family life" at home. It's therefore a massive transition for him when he comes to you.

What do you do when you have your one to one time with him?

nfollows1982

fannyanna wrote: »

Like you said he doesn't have a "family life" at home. It's therefore a massive transition for him when he comes to you.

What do you do when you have your one to one time with him?

Whatever he likes really. I let him chose what he wants to do rather than telling him 'right we are doing this and you don't get a choice'.

Even when it's just the 2 of us, I always feel like he's itching to get back on the computer.

valk_scot

nfollows1982 wrote: »

However, he’s developed a bit of an attitude now, he’s quite rude to the girls and he tends to ignore them when they speak to him. He spends a lot of time playing games on his phone and on his laptop and generally isolates himself from the family set-up, which makes the weekends he is with us quite difficult and if I’m honest, not all that fun!!

I've got a 16 year old boy and tbh it all sounds horribly familiar. I'm of the opinion that it's a normal part of puberty for previously perfectly acceptable male children to turn into grunting chauvanistic button-pressers at that age. How was he up till about 10, before the hormones started surging up?

However it doesn't mean that you've got to stand back and accept poor behaviour or manners. Wanting to spend time doing his own thing is okay-ish in my book as long as it doesn't disrupt the entire family but rudeness and attitude is a different thing entirely. My DD is five years younger than her brother and can give as good as she gets when it comes to her brother being rude or ignoring her but they live together 24/7, they've worked out their own status quo. It must be difficult when he's expected to slot back into a family setup that he's absent from the majority of the time, the girls and he won't have had a full time chance to develop their own status quo over the years. And are they his half sisters btw or are the girls totally unrelated? He might think they've really got nothing to do with him in that case. A lot of adolescent boys really wish they didn't have little sisters and if they're not even real sisters he simply might have decided he doesn't really have to do the family thing with them.

I am firmly of the "my house, my rules" thing but I can sort of see his point of view too. My suggestion would be to not sweat the small stuff, if he wants to spend his spare time when he's visiting hunched over a games console and it's not going to stop the rest of you doing what you normally would then let him, it's probably what he'd want to do anyway even if he was a full time member of the family. But when there's a family thing going on, like meals or an outing, he should be expected to participate with a certain minimal degree of civility.

They seem to emerge from the worst of the hormone horrors by about sixteen btw. By which time you'll be well into the female version x3 and your son's behaviour may not look so bad with hindsight!

fannyanna

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Whatever he likes really. I let him chose what he wants to do rather than telling him 'right we are doing this and you don't get a choice'.

Even when it's just the 2 of us, I always feel like he's itching to get back on the computer.

What does he choose to do?

What I'm wondering is whether you end up doing things together that he doesn't really want to do. Maybe he chooses to do something that he thinks he should want to do but doesn't really want to do. Does that make any sense?

Do you play computer games together?

fannyanna

LEJC wrote: »

And moving on from there...whilst you are against the use of the computer etc how about embracing it rather than fighting it...one time why not challenge him to a game and see what it is that hes spending so much time with...

Just read back and this is the kind of thing that I'm thinking might be best for the short term.