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What would you do? Child related......
nfollows1982
Posts: 218 Forumite
Morning all,
Just looking for some opinions, advice, guidance etc over a family matter.
My son, who is 11, comes to stay with us every other weekend.
He lives 2 hours away from me and I do all the travelling to pick him up and take him home to make sure I maintain a relationship with him.
My wife has 3 girls, age range 6-10, who live with us permanently.
We had quite a few teething problems with my son settling into having 3 step sisters, there was some jealousy and perhaps a bit of resentment, but we got over that stage and I thought things were going well.
However, he’s developed a bit of an attitude now, he’s quite rude to the girls and he tends to ignore them when they speak to him. He spends a lot of time playing games on his phone and on his laptop and generally isolates himself from the family set-up, which makes the weekends he is with us quite difficult and if I’m honest, not all that fun!!
He is an only child and as far as I can tell he has very little by the way of house rules at home, whereas we have rules in place that help keep the household from turning into a riot!
His mum doesn’t like this and she has said that my son doesn’t have to live by my house rules and that he can come and do whatever he wants.
The main issue is regarding the use of electronics (laptop, phone etc). He spends a lot of time at home on these, before and after school and most of the weekend. In his mum’s words ‘he doesn’t interact with us so you shouldn’t expect him to interact with you’ and ‘he’s not interested in being part of your family he just wants to play on his games’.
I accept that kids nowadays are into all this, the girls are too, but they have limited time on them and we spend time together as a family away from that.
The problem is that, the last weekend he was with us we had plans, I asked him not to be on his phone all weekend and he text his mum straight away to tell her. She then replied saying he could do what he wants!
Basically my ex has now turned round and said he only wants to come to stay with me if he doesn’t have to join in with family time and he wants to spend all weekend sat in front of his laptop.
I want to see him, but I want more of a relationship with him than him sat on his laptop all weekend and not interacting with me or anyone else.
She is now refusing to let him come and I haven’t seen him for 4 weeks. She has changed his mobile number so I can’t ring him and she is refusing to talk to me!
I want him to come, but I expect that when in my house he lives by my rules and doesn’t sit isolated for 48 hours before going home.
Just looking for some opinions, advice, guidance etc over a family matter.
My son, who is 11, comes to stay with us every other weekend.
He lives 2 hours away from me and I do all the travelling to pick him up and take him home to make sure I maintain a relationship with him.
My wife has 3 girls, age range 6-10, who live with us permanently.
We had quite a few teething problems with my son settling into having 3 step sisters, there was some jealousy and perhaps a bit of resentment, but we got over that stage and I thought things were going well.
However, he’s developed a bit of an attitude now, he’s quite rude to the girls and he tends to ignore them when they speak to him. He spends a lot of time playing games on his phone and on his laptop and generally isolates himself from the family set-up, which makes the weekends he is with us quite difficult and if I’m honest, not all that fun!!
He is an only child and as far as I can tell he has very little by the way of house rules at home, whereas we have rules in place that help keep the household from turning into a riot!
His mum doesn’t like this and she has said that my son doesn’t have to live by my house rules and that he can come and do whatever he wants.
The main issue is regarding the use of electronics (laptop, phone etc). He spends a lot of time at home on these, before and after school and most of the weekend. In his mum’s words ‘he doesn’t interact with us so you shouldn’t expect him to interact with you’ and ‘he’s not interested in being part of your family he just wants to play on his games’.
I accept that kids nowadays are into all this, the girls are too, but they have limited time on them and we spend time together as a family away from that.
The problem is that, the last weekend he was with us we had plans, I asked him not to be on his phone all weekend and he text his mum straight away to tell her. She then replied saying he could do what he wants!
Basically my ex has now turned round and said he only wants to come to stay with me if he doesn’t have to join in with family time and he wants to spend all weekend sat in front of his laptop.
I want to see him, but I want more of a relationship with him than him sat on his laptop all weekend and not interacting with me or anyone else.
She is now refusing to let him come and I haven’t seen him for 4 weeks. She has changed his mobile number so I can’t ring him and she is refusing to talk to me!
I want him to come, but I expect that when in my house he lives by my rules and doesn’t sit isolated for 48 hours before going home.
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Comments
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What 'legal' framework do you have in place to see him? Is she breaking any agreements by not letting him come.
At 11 it is very difficult to 'force' a child to visit I would think and tbh the lure of staying put and doing what he wants is always going to win over rules and regulations when you are 11
.
I just wondered how much one-to-one time your DS gets when he visits you? As an only child I can see why he would find a house with 4 females quite 'full-on' - and wondered if he feels he gets pushed into being part of the 'family' when he actually just wants some time with his Dad0 -
jeezo, your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work. Is she jealous of your new partner and her kids?
He sounds like a typical 11 year old tbh, but parents need to draw the line when it comes to phone s/ laptops, and in general, manners!
I'm not sure what to advise here Im afraid, can yuo write your son a letter? or is there another family member who could mediate?0 -
I just wondered how much one-to-one time your DS gets when he visits you? As an only child I can see why he would find a house with 4 females quite 'full-on' - and wondered if he feels he gets pushed into being part of the 'family' when he actually just wants some time with his Dad
Good point. Once / if , you get past your ex, Can you start off by maybe having a day out with your son once a month, and try to build things from there? It sounds like he needs to know that you still love him, regardless of what he thinks is your "new" family. It sounds like the phones / laptop / rudenss are just a smokescreen for how he is really feeling, to some extent.0 -
Totally agree with you and I think it's unfair for the girls to see him have unlimited time on technology when there's is restricted.
I would temporarily ban electronics and take him out somewhere fun. Once he realises that there are other things to do and Dad creates fun he might change his perspective on you. By fun I mean really fun places- laser quest? not sure what else young boys like lol but you get the picture0 -
Contact has always been arranged between us, there are no court orders in place for contact, so she isn’t breaking any rules.
I don’t normally get back with him on a Friday night until 8.30pm, so we just tend to relax together then.
I always have 1 on 1 time; it’s usually on a Saturday afternoon as the girls have activities that my wife takes them to.
Me made sure that he got quality time with me as I know that’s vitally important.
But there are times when we do things as a family, days out etc and he never seems interested and drags his feet around and doesn’t seem to enjoy it!0 -
19lottie82 wrote: »Good point. Once / if , you get past your ex, Can you start off by maybe having a day out with your son once a month, and try to build things from there? It sounds like he needs to know that you still love him, regardless of what he thinks is your "new" family. It sounds like the phones / laptop / rudenss are just a smokescreen for how he is really feeling, to some extent.
I tell him every day he is here, I show him a lot of affection, even though it's not always welcome!!
He did have difficulty adjusting and I accept that but, I have done everything I can to talk to him, understand how he feels and make things as easy as possible for him.0 -
Sorry i'm going to take a different route.
You look after and interact with your wife's children every day.
Once every 2 weeks you have YOUR son and you want him to share that tiny bit of time with everybody.
This is Your son, You need to build a good enough relationship with him so that HE wants to spend time with YOU.
no wonder your son is jealous, these girls that are not even yours get to spend unlimited time with you, but he has to share it.
Later on once you have built a relationship with him, then occasionally could be family day.
Your ex, is just sticking up for her son, right or wrong does not matter, if you had built up a relationship with your own child he would want to spend time with you doing fun things- that appeal to boys or him,0 -
Who says I haven't got a relationship with my son?
I have a great relationship with him thanks and I travel 300 miles every other weekend to maintain that relationship.
I have been seperated from his mum for 9 years, it's not like I have recently seperated and jumped straight into my current situation.
I have already stated, if you had care to read, that I spend quality one on one time with my son every time he visits, away from my wife and away from the girls0 -
Can you take him camping for a weekend? Somewhere with no mobile reception or wifi?
Might just break the back of his addiction.
Also give you significant 1 to 1 time.Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0 -
nfollows1982 wrote: »... He is an only child ....nfollows1982 wrote: ».... But there are times when we do things as a family, days out etc and he never seems interested and drags his feet around and doesn’t seem to enjoy it!
Maybe he doesn't know how to be part of a family?0
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