What would you do? Child related......

Tigsteroonie

My response may be naive, but we've a long way to go before littl'un is at the sulky adolescent stage

I know you want to do family stuff at the weekend and include your son, but it sounds like he doesn't want to join in. And by trying to make him join in, he's decided he doesn't want to visit any more.

So ... why not let him visit and then be a sulky stay-at-home adolescent? At the moment you're not getting to see him at all. If you let him visit on his terms, you'd at least have the occasional five minutes of 'togetherness'. If you ask him what he wants to do on the Saturday afternoons and he says 'FB' then at least he'll feel like you are giving him a choice instead of dictating that he has to be sociable.

And who knows, over time, he may see you enjoying family stuff with the girls and learn what it's like to be in a larger caring, sharing family.

[eta. I see a couple of others have said this too.]

nfollows1982

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Well, to be honest, if he's permanently attached to technology, drags his feet and sulks - why would anybody want to take him anywhere unless it's for creating a show of a big, happy family?

You aren't getting any special treatment from him - and if his mum is saying he's just the same there, perhaps it's not her or you at fault - he's just a grumpy adolescent?

I understand what you're saying and maybe it would be easier to do these days out when he isn't with us but me and my wife both thought he would feel a lot of resentment to the girls if we took them out all the time and did nothing at the weekends he visitied.

2 of the girls birthday days out fell on weekends that my son wasn't supposed to be with us and we had him extra weekends to make sure he could come and not be left out

balletshoes

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Whatever he likes really. I let him chose what he wants to do rather than telling him 'right we are doing this and you don't get a choice'.

Even when it's just the 2 of us, I always feel like he's itching to get back on the computer.

in a way thats good though, because if thats the way he is at home, and he's comfortable and relaxed doing that, then its good that he feels he can do that at your home too. It doesn't sound like he's refusing to do other things with you, just that he prefers to have time doing his electronic stuff as well.

balletshoes

valk_scot wrote: »

I've got a 16 year old boy and tbh it all sounds horribly familiar. I'm of the opinion that it's a normal part of puberty for previously perfectly acceptable male children to turn into grunting chauvanistic button-pressers at that age. How was he up till about 10, before the hormones started surging up?

However it doesn't mean that you've got to stand back and accept poor behaviour or manners. Wanting to spend time doing his own thing is okay-ish in my book as long as it doesn't disrupt the entire family but rudeness and attitude is a different thing entirely. My DD is five years younger than her brother and can give as good as she gets when it comes to her brother being rude or ignoring her but they live together 24/7, they've worked out their own status quo. It must be difficult when he's expected to slot back into a family setup that he's absent from the majority of the time, the girls and he won't have had a full time chance to develop their own status quo over the years. And are they his sisters btw or are the girls totally unrelated? He might think they've really got nothing to do with him in that case. A lot of adolescent boys really wish they didn't have little sisters!

I am firmly of the "my house, my rules" thing but I can sort of see his point of view too. My suggestion would be to not sweat the small stuff, if he wants to spend his spare time when he's visiting hunched over a games console and it's not going to stop the rest of you doing what you normally would then let him, it's probably what he'd want to do anyway even if he was a full time member of the family. But when there's a family thing going on, like meals or an outing, he should be expected to participate with a certain minimal degree of civility.

They seem to emerge from the worst of the hormone horrors by about sixteen btw. By which time you'll be well into the female version x3 and your son's behaviour may not look so bad with hindsight!

yep, this makes perfect sense to me :T.

Acc72

Most of the replies are focussing on what the OP should do or is apparently doing "wrong".

Not one reply has acknowledged the behaviour of the OP's ex.

Changing the sons mobile number and not answering calls is not acceptable. Is your ex still accepting maintenance payments?

If the roles were reversed, I am sure that many replies would focus on how bad the dad was behaving.

nfollows1982

Yes I pay maintenance every month, I'm not the sort of person who is going to turn round and say 'no contact, no money' - I still want to provide for my son.

POPPYOSCAR

Acc72 wrote: »

Most of the replies are focussing on what the OP should do or is apparently doing "wrong".

Not one reply has acknowledged the behaviour of the OP's ex.

Changing the sons mobile number and not answering calls is not acceptable. Is your ex still accepting maintenance payments?

If the roles were reversed, I am sure that many replies would focus on how bad the dad was behaving.

I do not think they are.

Most replies are trying to suggest a way around the problem, and some have commented on the behaviour of the ex, but there is not much the Op can do about that, other than going to court and applying for legal access.

I think the OP is right but it is a difficult situation and one that might take some compromise on his part if he is to maintain a relationship with this son.

nfollows1982

And I'm happy for people to give their opinions, that's what I was looking for.

I feel a bit lost at the moment because I have really made the effort to make the transition easier for him and I really thought we had made excellent progress.

An earlier post mentioned about how it may be my ex that has these issues and is using my son as a way to portray her unhappiness with the situation, which is sometimes exactly how I feel.

I might not be a full time dad to my son, but I offer a great deal to his life and feel I offer him a stable environment in which to visit and provide for him the best I can.

*max*

Acc72 wrote: »

Most of the replies are focussing on what the OP should do or is apparently doing "wrong".

Not one reply has acknowledged the behaviour of the OP's ex.

Changing the sons mobile number and not answering calls is not acceptable. Is your ex still accepting maintenance payments?

If the roles were reversed, I am sure that many replies would focus on how bad the dad was behaving.

People are focusing on the OP because his own behaviour is pretty much the only variable anyone can advise on in this situation. There is nothing anyone can suggest regarding the mother's attitude unfortunately, apart from involving the courts if it comes to it. It seems she isn't cooperating, so there's not much we can suggest about her.

I don't have any advice, it's a difficult situation OP. I just wanted to say that I think it's absolutely lovely to see how deeply you care about your son, and about keeping a good relationship with him. All the effort you are putting in is refreshing after reading some of the threads on here about !!!!less NRP's. Even if it's not apparent now, he WILL remember it as he grows older.

Amanda65

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I might not be a full time dad to my son, but I offer a great deal to his life and feel I offer him a stable environment in which to visit and provide for him the best I can.

And he will appreciate it in years to come, maybe just not so much now. Did you say whether he has Facebook? If you have an account you can message him, even if he's not your friend, and say how much you've missed him and hope he contacts you soon - then he gets a choice.

Just out of interest, what were the girls birthday days out?