What would you do? Child related......

balletshoes

Acc72 wrote: »

Most of the replies are focussing on what the OP should do or is apparently doing "wrong".

Not one reply has acknowledged the behaviour of the OP's ex.

Changing the sons mobile number and not answering calls is not acceptable. Is your ex still accepting maintenance payments?

If the roles were reversed, I am sure that many replies would focus on how bad the dad was behaving.

I agree with you - but what can the OP actually do about that? I'm not sure going on about how awful it is is productive for the OP.

nfollows1982

I know he's not on facebook or any of the other social media networks so that rules that out at the moment.

The days out for b'days was Cadbury's World and Twin Lakes theme park so they weren't days that were purely for the girls and offered nothing for my son.

tyllwyd

I'm a mum to 13 year old who has suddenly become completely obsessed with the internet, and I totally sympathise with your frustration over your son effectively withdrawing himself from family life.

But if your ex is allowing or even encouraging that behaviour, I'm going to say the opposite from what feels like the 'right' parenting answer - if this issue is stopping you from seeing your son (even an uncommunicative laptop obsessed version of your son) then I'd say to stop fighting it. If that what it takes, let him stay on the laptop all weekend, at least you still see him and keep that thread of communication open. Hopefully in time the obsession will pass, and he'll grow up a bit and start interacting more. But if you let him drift away now, it will be that much more difficult to build things up again when he is ready to rejoin the real world again.

balletshoes

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I know he's not on facebook or any of the other social media networks so that rules that out at the moment.

The days out for b'days was Cadbury's World and Twin Lakes theme park so they weren't days that were purely for the girls and offered nothing for my son.

got to say, neither Cadburys World nor Twin Lakes would thrill my 11-year old. I know you want to include him in the family days out, and I think thats absolutely the right thing to do, but if he wants to do it dragging his heels and with a long face on, just ignore those bits (don't call attention to them) and get on with enjoying your days out.

nfollows1982

tyllwyd wrote: »

I'm a mum to 13 year old who has suddenly become completely obsessed with the internet, and I totally sympathise with your frustration over your son effectively withdrawing himself from family life.

But if your ex is allowing or even encouraging that behaviour, I'm going to say the opposite from what feels like the 'right' parenting answer - if this issue is stopping you from seeing your son (even an uncommunicative laptop obsessed version of your son) then I'd say to stop fighting it. If that what it takes, let him stay on the laptop all weekend, at least you still see him and keep that thread of communication open. Hopefully in time the obsession will pass, and he'll grow up a bit and start interacting more. But if you let him drift away now, it will be that much more difficult to build things up again when he is ready to rejoin the real world again.

I understand what you're saying but he has 12 days out of 14 to sit on his laptop, play on his ps3 and be a hermit in his bedroom.

As a parent I don't think that's healthy and I wouldn't allow it if he lived with me full time.

I only see him for 2 days a fortnight, I travel up and down the country to do that (which relevant or not, costs a lot of money in petrol) and I want more of a relationship with him than the occasional grunt over the laptop screen.

My dad didn't bother with me after my parents divorced, I haven't seen him or even had a card from him in 20 years, I'm determined that I'm not going to be that person and if he is going to sit on electronics all the time at his mum's, I'd like to be the parent that opens his eyes to new experiences.

CH27

Can you email him?

nfollows1982

balletshoes wrote: »

got to say, neither Cadburys World nor Twin Lakes would thrill my 11-year old. I know you want to include him in the family days out, and I think thats absolutely the right thing to do, but if he wants to do it dragging his heels and with a long face on, just ignore those bits (don't call attention to them) and get on with enjoying your days out.

He loved Twin Lakes, it's probably the one and only time that he's really come out of himself and had a good time so he's proved that he can get on with the girls and be happy around them, which is why it's frustrating that things have broken down now.

balletshoes

nfollows1982 wrote: »

if he is going to sit on electronics all the time at his mum's, I'd like to be the parent that opens his eyes to new experiences.

you already are that parent, but maybe you can't see that because you would like him to appear to like it, appreciate it etc. You son might not say it, but he might well think it, and I'm sure he does appreciate the attention he gets from you.

Do you want to see him, or do you want to see him on your terms? Bottom line for me is, he's 11, when he's at yours his Mum isn't forcing his head into his laptop, he's doing that because its what he wants to do. He's not refusing to do things with you/the family, he's tagging along (its what a lot of 11-year olds do).

LEJC

How do your wife and girls interact with your son....or do they not really get involved?

pandora205

Hmm this is a tricky one involving different parenting expectations, impending adolescence and addiction to the computer plus changes in routine (missing home/mum and friends), jealousy and loneliness/boredom.

OP probably can't change mum's parenting very much or avoid adolescence so that leaves the addiction, jealousy and loneliness/boredom.


Here are some ideas:

• to change a habit there needs to be motivation. If this lad is to willingly give up the phone/computer, he needs something to motivate him. This could be a conventional reward system (earning points towards something) or substituting another activity that is incompatible. A chat with him may well identify the best approach.
• to address the jealousy (a very natural reaction) a man to man chat - or possibly a letter - is in order. Is he told how he is loved, important and special? He appears to already get time on his own to do things. Perhaps let him choose these himself and find activities that the girls would not have chosen. Another way of this is including him in the 'grown up' activities, especially as he is older, such as cooking or decorating.
• to address the loneliness he may well need to find a friend locally. Perhaps take him to an activity such as football (check that it is possible fortnightly) or BMX riding (sorry to be stereotypical but these sprung to mind), then invite someone back to play. In some areas there are 'dads and lads' groups where there are shared activities.
• to address the boredom (and the addiction) it would be useful to find a similar home activity that will fill the time. How about board games? At this age he could learn to play chess, monopoly and could certainly play draughts, and many other board games. And how about doing some reading together (say stuff like Darren Shan) with a hope to encouraging him to do this independently.