What would you do? Child related......

nfollows1982

LEJC wrote: »

Do you ever get him for longer periods of time...ie in the holidays, I think its very difficult to interact with any child in a meaningful way when you only get to see them for short periods of time....

The point I was trying to make is that you only see what he wants you to see...and at the moment its the "laptop boy"...

I have him during the holidays, I make sure that I save at 2 weeks of my annual leave to take during the summer holidays so he has some real quality time with me.

nfollows1982

balletshoes wrote: »

I do suspect, if you cut contact because the interaction when he's with you is not all you'd hope for, you will find him drifting away from you.

It’s not me who’s stopping contact for these reasons, as I’ve said I’m happy for him to have downtime when he’s with me, just not all weekend.

It’s his mum who has stopped contact for this reason saying I am making him unhappy for not allowing him to do whatever he wants.

red_devil

nfollows1982 wrote: »

It’s not me who’s stopping contact for these reasons, as I’ve said I’m happy for him to have downtime when he’s with me, just not all weekend.

It’s his mum who has stopped contact for this reason saying I am making him unhappy for not allowing him to do whatever he wants.

makes me mad when fathers are interested and exes sabotage it or try too. She should be on your side. Does she know how many dads bother with their children? Would she rather you didnt bother?

LEJC

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I get that, I really honestly do, maybe it would be less of an issue if he lived with me full time.


I get 2 days to catch up on school and what he's been up to, how he's feeling etc etc, it soon turns to Sunday and him going home

You get 2 days to catch up with him ....but you are his parent and as such theres no reason for you not to be in his life 365 days per year....

skype him or whatever more frequently....

The way I'm beginning to see it is that yes you are there for those 2 in 14 days but maybe to him you are a part time parent who is there for the girls (sorry im not sure if they are yours or your wifes)....far more than than for him....

I dont doubt that you are committed to the time you spend together but I wonder that thats all it is...and once youve done your visiting its business as usual and that may be causing him a little resentment

Do you think that the fact you are about to have a new child with your wife may be also having an impact on his life?

balletshoes

Its a very difficult situation OP, and I don't honestly know the solution. If you go down the formal access route, at age 11, your son's opinions would likely be taken into consideration. Maybe looking into the formal access route should be your next step?

fannyanna

First off, I want to say that you sound like a great Dad. I’m not great with words so I apologise now if any of this comes across the wrong way…….

Are your expectations maybe a bit high? It sounds like you have a wonderful family life with your Wife and her children (your “full time family”). Honestly to me it sounds perfect and I hope that when I have children I’m able to create something similar. But, not everyone has that kind of family dynamic. There are plenty of household where for whatever reason the parents are not that involved in their children’s activities and happily let them do their own thing (ever if that means spending 24/7 on the computer). It seems like your Son spends the majority of his time in the latter type of household and maybe to him it feels a bit “Walton Family” when he comes to your house.

What you’re asking of your Son seems reasonable to you (and to most of us) but to him it’s a massive behavioural change for him. I can easily relate with the teenager who can’t be bothered to do anything. I remember going on holidays with my family when I was younger and absolutely hating sight seeing (something which I now enjoy).

You’re right that your Son has to live by your rules in your house. You’re right that he should not be allowed to dictate the dynamic of your household. But, I think you need to find a middle ground and meet him half way. It can’t just be him that needs to completely change his behaviour.

nfollows1982

LEJC wrote: »

You get 2 days to catch up with him ....but you are his parent and as such theres no reason for you not to be in his life 365 days per year....

skype him or whatever more frequently....

The way I'm beginning to see it is that yes you are there for those 2 in 14 days but maybe to him you are a part time parent who is there for the girls (sorry im not sure if they are yours or your wifes)....far more than than for him....

Do you think that the fact you are about to have a new child with your wife may be also having an impact on his life?

Up until his mum changed his number I spoke to him twice a week on the phone, it’s not like I just disappeared for 12 days and then picked up the role of his dad at the weekends.

It was a difficult decision to relocate, but one that I made for the right reasons, so I try my damn hardest to maintain contact and show that I am there for him as much as possible.

I don’t think I have mentioned the pending arrival, I guess you must have been privy to my previous thread.

He’s not shown any signs that this is affecting him in a bad way. He’s been fully involved for the last 20 weeks and came to the last scan we had and was fascinated by what he saw. I understand that a new baby will change the dynamics of the household but my son hasn’t given any indication thus far that he’s unhappy with that.

And to answer another question I am not the biological dad to the girls, I took them on as a package when I met my wife.

POPPYOSCAR

So OP, have you decided how to handle this?

What is your next move?

kelpie35

nfollows1982 wrote: »

It’s not me who’s stopping contact for these reasons, as I’ve said I’m happy for him to have downtime when he’s with me, just not all weekend.

It’s his mum who has stopped contact for this reason saying I am making him unhappy for not allowing him to do whatever he wants.

Can you maybe write him a letter explaining how sad it is that he will not be coming this weekend and how much you will miss him.

At least he will know that you have taken the time to write to him and I would send it recorded delivery so you then know it was delivered.

I really feel that you have tried your best to be a great father to him.

I am a firm believer that in time to come your son will see that you have been there for him and he will make his own mind up to see you.

It will be hard to stand back just now and I do feel for you, but please try not to cause your ex to become more angry and miscall you to your son.

Take care

nfollows1982

I could understand if we were (no offence intended) some sort of hippy family who didn't have a tv and rolled around in daisy fields all weekend talking to the animals, but we're not!

I don't pick him on a Friday and ban him from everything that he wants to do. He has his downtime, he has his time with me and we have some time together as a family, even if that is as simple as a movie on Saturday night.

I know it's a completely different dynamic to what he has at home but I don't think I'm setting my sights too high when looking for a bit of compromise.