To have children or not - how do you decide???

jtr2803

cte1111 wrote: »

As a society, people saying that they regret having children is really taboo. So although some of us might well regret the huge and permanent changes to our lives from having children, we are very unlikely to say so.

But TBH I do sometimes regret having had children. It means that you are never again number 1 in anyone's eyes. You always have to think of the children first. In particular, as a mother, it is still very difficult to carry on with your career and be a parent. Whether you stay at home or go back to work, there is endless guilt and compromises. Interesting, fulfilling part time work is hard to find and in many workplaces part time workers are seen as not really committed and unlikely to be considered for promotions.

There are of course many joys from having children, but just because you don't hear people saying they regret having kids, it doesn't mean that that's how everyone really feels.

Very much this. I have a handful of friends who, with hindsight, may have made very different choices about children (including me - I have one daughter aged 12 and I am the NRP). I have to also add that the only people I knew who were sad about not having children were those not physically able to, the ones that chose not to had no regrets at all.

Wanchai, in some ways I could have written a lot of your post myself, it's something that keeps cropping up, especially with the wedding on the horizon and people just being generally nosey. I sit on the fence about it I think - if my OH REALLY wanted them then we would, but as it stands, he isn't particularly fussed about them. We also have a nice lifestyle, travels away, new car, dinners out and it's incredibly selfish of me but I don't want anything to change that. I've spent 7 years building up a career and I don't want to walk away from it or have a significant length of time off. I kinda figured a while back that if I couldn't decide then maybe that was a good indicator that I didn't really want them.

I don't buy all this 'you can get round the travelling if you want one'...well what if you can't? What if the little one means there is no money to travel, or isn't well and physically cannot? Nothing is guaranteed so if travelling is a big deal to you (and it is to us) I think you need to work out whether you could give that up to have a child.....that might tell you all you need to know .

Good luck deciding!

jtr2803

Hmm, I'm thinking now!!

I think, for me, the biggest reason not to have children is because I don't want to 'share' my OH with anyone, I love our long lie ins and the fact I have 100% of his attention, we also NEVER argue and I know that once one (or both) of us is sleep deprived that would quickly change.

On the flip side, the one thing that makes me think it is a good idea is because I find it sad that there might be nothing left of us when we pass away and that we both have so much love for each other that a little person that was part of both of us would be truly loved.............as long as I didn't have to get up before 10am and I could still go diving in the Maldives :rotfl:

I think I'll get a dog!

Fire_Fox

meritaten wrote: »

I think that is an awful thing to say! to say that in hindsight you wouldnt have kids 'but you love yours' would be devastating to those children. I think it would make them feel like a 'burden' thier parents had to bear.

Yes, it is blooming hard work and can be heartbreaking - but, to say 'I wish I hadn't had kids - that is a parent who shouldnt have had them in the first place!

Firstly the post you quoted didn't say that, you have paraphrased and twisted the meaning. We have an honest and open family, we joke about death and inheritance, I know my mother wouldn't have chosen children if she had realised what it would be like. I have a fantastic relationship with my mother now - feel very loved, wanted and supported to the point I chose to move half way across the country to be closer to them a few years ago. :A

I imagine the thing is what you say to your offspring, how and when you say it. To me part of growing up is seeing your parents as complex three dimensional human beings, not just 2D 'mum' and 'dad'. Maybe my mother shouldn't have had kids but they still did a decent job of parenting - both of us grew up physically healthy, decently educated, homeowners, worked most of our adult lives, never been arrested.

milliebear00001

I don't think you ever really know if you truly 'want kids' until you have them! The benefit of having had children is that you do absolutely get your answer about whether life is better or worse for you personally. If you don't ever have them, then yes, you can absolutely lead a fulfilled and happy life, but you'll never really know what life would have been like for you with them in your life.

I do think it's possible to regret having children, but I think this is relatively rare (even allowing for the taboo nature of saying so!) My mother has said to my brother and I that she would probably not have children at all if she 'had her time again'. I was an accident and my brother was planned (but she succumbed to pressure from my dad). My parents spent years with no money and resenting each other (although never us). My brother and I heard all the rows. Her life (as a woman in the seventies) would probably have been a lot nicer without us in it to be honest! I suspect these practical issues mean that motherhood can be a trial, rather than a pleasure, for many today as well.

Having said all that, I ADORE being a mother. I spent years going on holidays and spending money freely. My OH and I both earned well and had a ball. Kids were never part of the equation except as a far away 'maybe one day'. I can honestly say my kids are the best thing I ever did. An absolute joy. They make every day exciting and wonderful. Sure, sometimes they are a pain in the !!!! (and I am much keener on them now they don't keep me awake all night!) but they are worth every broken night and every windswept caravan holiday in Wales.

And by the way, neither my brother, nor I, are horrified at my mum's honesty. She brought us up to be resilient and honest. We know she loves us. The issue is that she wouldn't choose to have had 'children' with all the extra difficulties that brought into her life, not that she didn't, or now doesn't, want us!

wanchai_2

Wow. Really amazing range of views here. Thank you all for your honesty so far, it's been incredibly helpful. I'll respond properly when I get a chance to consider what has been said.

Huge thanks again xxx

laurel7172

With regard to the travelling, small children are really quite portable. It can cost more, as you can't take the same risks on accommodation you do alone, but it's very, very possible, even as a single parent. I went Interrailing when my children were seven and four-one rucksack for us all and a hand for each child Both of mine flew to Australia at sixteen months. It's no big deal if you're prepared to entertain them. It's the parents who think they're entitled to eat their meals in peace and watch the films whose kids play up on flights

Other things...well, it was at least fourteen years before I could leave the house without a plan-older one bossy, younger one who didn't like being bossed...it wouldn't have been fair or safe to use the older one as a sitter. Longer to go out in the evenings...and as they approach 15 and 18, I shall shortly be leaving them overnight for the first time-and that's only because of a long-distance funeral I have to go to, but they don't.

DKLS

Op hang around this board for a while, there are usually a bunch of theads that will put you off kids for life.

I have always known that I never wanted kids, I could give you a 1001 reasons why not, but the main one is the sheer hard work of it all, I already have a demanding job, I certainly don't want another that comes with lots of responsibilities, and (to me) intangible benefits.

Thankfully I found my wife who feels exactly the same way and just like the tile of the book we are child free and loving it.

*Robin*

meer53 wrote: »

OP, if you're going to go ahead, please don't (as one poster has suggested) leave it for a while, the risks are higher the older you get.

Having read through all the posts, I find it quite disturbing that only two have touched on the possibility that you might not get the happy, healthy child of your dreams.

I had to spend over two years in hospital with one of mine, and the next decade juggling appointments and total disruption to the family caused by emergency admissions.

But at your age OP, it is something to consider. How would you feel about being a 'special needs' Mum?
Travelling with normal kids is no problem if you're prepared to entertain them, but becomes a nightmare if you have to send notes to the nearest hospital to your destination, arrange oxygen supplies, medication and treatment while you're away.
Because of his requirement for supplementary oxygen, my son could not fly until he was five years old, which meant carrying enough O2 bottles to get to our destination [and an O2 generator to use when we arrived], getting permission to take the bottles on ferries, and working out a chain of hospitals along our route in case of emergency. Oh yes, and having a synopsis of his history translated into each language of the countries we went to.

In the end we were lucky. The doctors promised us that DS would grow up with some form of brain damage, which turned out - after lots of effort on my part and support from various professionals - to be no worse than dyslexia. Which he has beaten; he's now a qualified teacher leading a successful, independent life. Nobody looking at him today has any inkling of the heartbreak of his early years - unless he takes off his shirt and reveals all the operation scars.

OP, you are 35 years old now. The odds on having a baby with Downs or another serious health problem are already increasing for you; could you cope with a child who would never stop needing active parenting? Or would you choose the other devastating option of not going ahead with the pregnancy (if the problem showed up on early scans - which it might not)?

Sorry for a somewhat negative post - but as you are looking at all angles OP, I couldn't keep quiet on this one.

*j*

I would suggest it's not about what you want, or what it might do to make your lifestyle better or worse, but that you ask just one question..."Does the world need a larger population?

I'm not suggesting an answer, though it's obvious to me, just suggesting you think about the question.

*j*

fawd1

wanchai wrote: »

Everyone says this, I guess it must be true! I do think that our priorities would change, but I feel like we would never again be able to travel the way we do now (we could probably still do city breaks, or a week with friends in a house in France, but it's the backpacker-style trips in SE Asia that I'd really miss). Hmmm.

Not necessarily. You'd just have to put them off for a bit. OH and I loved to travel but we have two toddlers so that's been on the back burner for a bit, just week long trips in Europe on occasion. However, now the boys are a bit older (only 3 and 2 mind you) they are very excited about going to stay with both sets of grandparents (five days each) in January, when OH and I are going to India. Like you, I wouldn't take young children on a backpacking style although people do do it. I know it's possible, I'd just enjoy it less and I think it's a complete waste of money to take them halfway across the world to the beach when they're just as happy nipping to Brighton for the day.