To have children or not - how do you decide???

shays_mum

TBH op there never is a right time, there is always the next something!. I was told was never going to have kids, so just put it to the back of my mind & got on with life, popped 2 out in quick order few years apart.

Downside is pregnancy exacerbated a degenerative muscle disorder that was there under the surface (the dislocating pelvis at 10 weeks should have been a give away!), but heyho!, such is life & i would do it all again.

My kids are my joy & comfort, but with anything in life, its a constant changing of the tide with these guys, some days i sink & other days i fancy a swim! lol x

Goodluck & whatever your decision, hope all goes well for you

meer53

My experience - Son now aged 25, born when i was 30.

Daughter now aged 12, born when i was 43 ! Bit of a surprise (but a lovely one)

All i will say is that i don't recommend having a baby in your 40's. If i had my time again i would have had my kids when i was in my 20's. It's really not easy having a baby later in life. My daughter is hormonal, so am i, starting periods and the menopause were never meant to happen at the same time i'm sure

OP, if you're going to go ahead, please don't (as one poster has suggested) leave it for a while, the risks are higher the older you get.

bagby

Two stepchildren who were 16 and 13 when my first was born. Second born seven years later. Really proud of offspring. I have taken great pleasure in teaching them and think have brought them up to be good people. I think it's like I have done everything in my life and now look forward to watching my children grow and giving them encouragement to do whatever they want. Children haven't stopped me from doing things I've just included them and they have all enriched my life. Sister didn't have any children and takes as much pleasure in mine as I do although if things had been different she would have chosen to have a family but circumstances didn't allow it.

katie1812

I have always wanted children. I've always enjoyed being around kids and work in a school now with fab children. I did wonder whether working everyday with kids would put me off but it really hasn't!

When I met my husband it was one of the first few things we talked about, how we saw our future individually, what our aspirations were before we got too serious! Luckily he wants children too and so one day we will.

My brother on the other hand can't stand kids! Well, he doesn't mind when they are able to talk, wee and poo for themselves etc, but any sign of a cry and he's moaning lol! Very odd and I hope one day he changes his mind or a lady will change his mind for him lol!

skateykatey

Another late starter here; having never wanting children, my biological clock kicked in big time at the age of 38. Fast forward 3 x miscarriages later and we are still without child. But...my clock stopped ticking and whilst I wish I hadn't gone through the MC's I don't actually mind our situation.

I was never going to be a natural mother; I just lack the patience that is required. I adore my niece and nephews but, by gum they drive me crazy after while. I don't know how single parents manage.

My SIL has two boys and has had to effectively give up her career as a teacher as her husband works away a lot so child care would just be a massive issue; plus her eldest has some minor health problems and she needs to be on call and available to collect him from school sometimes at a moments notice which again, is not compatible with any employment.

I also know of others who secretly regret having their children but again, know of others who would kill for their children.

As others have said, it's an entirely personal decision.

Whilst I'd encourage some forward planning, it is also possible to overthink the situation. if everyone was to sit down and go through their finances/circumstances in order to ascertain if they could handle children, the world would be a far smaller place.

Some people I agree, should not have children but I can see that you don't fall into that category!

kettlefish

We never "made the decision" as such. It was a very real burning desire in both of us to have children, and if we would have been unable to conceive our own, we would have done everything in our power to become parents through other means (IVF or adoption etc)

Having our little girl (who was one this week ) has not restricted us , and although we have had to modify our lifestyle it has not felt like a sacrifice - it's just what you do when you have children. We have been camping a few times, and on holiday in this country both driving and on the train, and taken her to a number of concerts and a 5 day music festival. We haven't been abroad with her yet, but that's for financial reasons (although I suppose you could argue that those financial reasons all come down to mat leave / drop to one income!) rather than because we have a baby. We go for long walks with the sling and plan to go inter-railing once she is old enough to sleep in a bed rather than a cot.

Even once you find out you're pregnant, you have 8 looooong months of waiting when you can do all the things on your Bucket List for want of a better phrase. We went to San Fran when I was 15 weeks and Spain at 24 weeks. I went on hen dos and to the weddings of those friends and danced til 2am - 8 months pregnant at the last one! Although I appreciate not everyone has a healthy and easy pregnancy most people feel able to do all those kind of things, if of course they were that way inclined in the first place!

meritaten

wanchai wrote: »

Hi everyone

This is my first thread on this board, although I do read it from time to time, and you are all lovely and give great advice. I'm not just syaing this to butter you up so that you'll respond to my dilemma btw! Honest

Sooo… OH and I are recently married and debating whether or not to have children and, if so, when. He's just turned 35 and I will be 35 very shortly. Has anyone else had this dilemma and what made you decide one way or another?

He is happy either way and I know that if I were to get pg he would be delighted. We have a nice lifestyle - we both earn a good salary and have plenty of savings, we rent a nice house within walking distance of the city centre and we have a great social life. We also love to travel and go away a few times a year. So money is not an issue.

I think that we are a bit apprehensive about what children would do to our 'freedom', our social life and most of all, our travel plans. OTOH, I sometimes try to imagine us not having children and that seems very sad. I think that we would have a lot to offer - both financially and in terms of sharing knowledge and curiosity about the world. We are not very materially driven people - sure, we earn decent money but we don't buy a lot of 'stuff'. We are more into having interesting experiences and seeing the world, and we also love the great outdoors.

I am very much undecided. I tend to think about what we would miss out on if we had kids, and am finding it hard to see the positives.

(I am aware that we don't know whether we *can* conceive or not at this stage)

Any replies/musings would be very welcome.

this is just a 'musing' - but, I personally, would have loved parents with these values!

You both have a lot to offer children - either your own or perhaps foster care?

Dasa

Bluemeanie wrote: »

This is very true, there was an article in a magazine recently, talking to Mother's anonymously.
All admitted if they lived their life again the wouldn't have had kids. I know quite a few women who have admitted this to me as well, in confidence. They would never admit it a public audience as it is so taboo. I think society in a way pressures you that it is the normal/done thing so not many people stop and truly think if they want kids or not.
Course some people always know it's for them.

Yea, I think there're are a lot of parents who with hindsight, although they love their kids, wouldn't have had them. Who is going to own up to that though? Being a parent is sometimes shown as being such a wonderful thing, which for some it is, but it is bloomin hard work, and does not always turn out the way you would like it.

meritaten

Dasa wrote: »

Yea, I think there're are a lot of parents who with hindsight, although they love their kids, wouldn't have had them. Who is going to own up to that though? Being a parent is sometimes shown as being such a wonderful thing, which for some it is, but it is bloomin hard work, and does not always turn out the way you would like it.

I think that is an awful thing to say! to say that in hindsight you wouldnt have kids 'but you love yours' would be devastating to those children. I think it would make them feel like a 'burden' thier parents had to bear.

Yes, it is blooming hard work and can be heartbreaking - but, to say 'I wish I hadn't had kids - that is a parent who shouldnt have had them in the first place!

JEEC

We didn't decide, we were using contraception when we conceived our son. I'll admit to being absolutely terrified, I didn't feel ready to be a mum - despite being a homeowner, in my 30's and in a reasonable job so not exactly young and unable to look after myself. I had a horrendous pregnancy, traumatic birth and was ill for a long time after my son was born. However, I don't regret having him for one minute, I cannot begin to describe the amount of joy he has brought to my life and I'd rather go through it all over again than not have him. I've never felt as content as I do since I became a mum.

I won't pretend it's been easy. OH is a very hands on dad and good with housework, but I still find it very hard work. It was a big shock to the system and I wasn't prepared for just how tiring a baby can be. It got a bit easier once he started sleeping through the night but then I went back to work full-time and I've never known exhaustion like it. I am permanently shattered.

OH and I had never had a cross word before our son was born, but now we can snap and snipe at eachother a lot, it does put a great strain on your relationship, but also it brings you closer together as you have something that ties you together for life.

Financially we're slightly worse off as I decided to take a demotion upon my return to work so I could work office hours the majority of the time so I can put my son to bed. Previously I'd worked much longer hours for a much higher salary but I don't want to do this now, so in some ways it has made me less ambitious, our son is almost 18 months so still only young and my ambition may well return as he gets older. Although it is exhausting, I am glad I went back to work, as much as I loved being on maternity leave, I was ready to be something other than a mummy by the time I went back, I'd got to a point where I felt I wasn't myself anymore. This may not bother you though as you've already said you can afford not to work or work part-time but as the higher wage earner there was no question that I'd return to work.

We still travel, we didn't go abroad until our son was over one as until then everything has to be sterile and a simple weekend away means taking everything bar the kitchen sink. We went away a lot in the UK though but rather than drive all the way to Cornwall in one go we stop in a hotel halfway there and back etc. We did go abroad quite recently, and trying to keep a hyperactive toddler still on a plane was an absolute nightmare, also I was more exhausted after the holiday than before we went, as you cannot take your eyes of your child for a second, once they're mobile they're into everything. I hope this will get easier as he gets older. We did have a lovely time though and it was great spending time together as a family as we don't get much chance with both working full time and OH working shifts.

I wouldn't say we don't have a social life anymore, it's just a different kind of social life. I don't miss going out getting drunk, which has come as a surprise as I used to love my nights out. Socialising now is more meeting up with friends that also have kids. Although we are lucky that family are always willing to babysit including overnight, so if we want to go out we can and I do still see my child free friends, just not as often as I used to. To be honest, the time I'm not at work I like to spend with my son, which is why I think the not going out as much doesn't bother me.

We have continued to eat out in restaurants as a couple with baby in tow, and as a result he is now very well behaved in public and we always get comments on what a well behaved child we have.

Being parents hasn't stopped us doing anything we used to do before, it just takes more planning.

I do have a friend who will openly admit that she regrets having her son. She didn't want children and only had one to please her husband, who isn't as hands on as my OH and doesn't do housework. She doesn't like that she can't spend as much on herself and doesn't like that she is no longer able to work extended hours - she has no family nearby and can only get childcare within set hours.

Since becoming a parent, I can see how someone who didn't truly want their child could easily become very resentful of the child for all the changes it brings.

I hope I haven't made it sound too negative, I just wanted to post about the realities of becoming a parent as someone who was previously career driven. As for me, I'm so glad our contraception failed, and that the decision was made for me, as having my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I did initially say that I'd never have any more children due to the difficulties with the pregnancy/birth but even though I still don't feel fully recovered we are now considering having a 2nd child in a few years time, if I do feel better, because I love our son and being a mum so much that I know it's all worth it in the end and I would like for him to have a brother/sister.

I do have 2 aunties who do not have children of their own, one of them has a fantastic lifestyle which she wouldn't have been able to afford if she had children. The other absolutely loves children and I do wonder if she regrets not having any of her own but she is very close to all her nieces and nephews and now she has great-nieces and great-nephews and will look after them overnight for us so maybe she hasn't missed out afterall.

Nobody will be able to tell you what is right for you, only you and your husband will be able to answer that question. But I think if you even suspect you might regret not having them, and you are prepared for the changes being a parent brings then I'd say go for it. I did get a few comments from my family when we announced my pregnancy along the lines of 'well thank god for that, we did think you were leaving it a bit late, and if you'd have left it to the right time you'd have never had children' and they're probably right, if I had waited for the right time, I probably would have left it too late. I just hope when I do feel well enough for a 2nd that it's not too late then.