To have children or not - how do you decide???

balletshoes

wanchai wrote: »

But travelling - I don't know. I just think that it will never be the same for years, especially with the need to fit in with school holidays etc.

it'll never be the same again when you have a child - but that doesn't mean it has to be worse, just different.

wanchai_2

Amanda65 wrote: »

It was never a decision for either OH or myself - we both knew we wanted children and started quite young (I was 24, he was 29 and we had been married a year) and here we are 22 years later with a 21yo, 19 yo and 16 yo. As much as I loved my husband, had he not wanted children I wouldn't have stayed with him as he wouldn't have been the man for me - simples

You have focussed on loss of freedom etc and I am not for one minute going to pretend that it has all been plain sailing with us gathered on a large feather bed every nightime, children scrubbed and sleepy and me reading from a large story book but there have been so many positives, which far outweigh another night at the pub and every single yucky bit has been repaid in wonderful bits 100 times over.

You say you like travelling and exploring - children are very portable if you set out with the right frame of mind and imagine doing all that you do and seeing it again through the awe and wonder of a child's eyes.

As a final note, my SIL never wanted children, agreed to have one when she was 38 (for my brother really), took her 18 months to fall and she is absolutely besotted by my nephew. Her one regret? That they didn't start sooner and three years down the line of no contraception it looks as though he is destined to be an 'only'.

Absolutely not - anyone with older children will tell you that parenting a teenager is the hardest job in the world :rotfl::rotfl: (still wouldn't have missed it for anything though)

That's another thing! If we did have one, I wouldn't want them to be an only child, so that's what is making me think that we need to make decisions soon!

January20 wrote: »

I'm sorry but this is the worst piece of advice you could give to somebody in this situation. This is a decision about bringing another life into the world, not a simple choice that should be left to chance, surely?

I have never regretted having had my daughter. She has enriched my life tremendously and has given it more purpose. However, if you value your freedom then you must know that once you have children you lose most of it, you put them first always, and it is not only for a couple of years as even now that she is nearly 20, my daughter is still a very much a factor in how I live my life and I was only thinking yesterday how I long to be leading a life of my own again where my plans are not scuppered at the last minute by her needs. (My love for her makes it all bearable and of course when that day comes, I will miss her needing me )

Well, yes, my mother will always be my mother and I'm 34 :rotfl: but the constant dependency surely reduces when they reach late teens/leave school?

Okydoky25 wrote: »

I had the same lifestyle but decided I would regret not having kids and I have never been so right. Yes I miss the spontaneous social life, the spare cash, travel even my job occasionally now I'm a SAHM but kids really do give so much more happiness back. This coming from a woman who didn't have a maternal bone in her body until I got that positive line on a stick!

Thanks for that How old are your kids?

balletshoes

wanchai wrote: »

but the constant dependency surely reduces when they reach late teens/leave school?

:rotfl:have you read some of the threads on here regarding "adult" offspring? In some ways its easier when they are little - you are the parent, you decide what you're all doing, and they come with you.

wanchai_2

michmush77 wrote: »

Hi, i had the same dilemma, but we were not so well off financially, I was 33 and my hubby 37 when we decided to bite the bullet and "stop" contraception to see what happened, we conceived straight away, i have a daughter that is now 2 and due no2 very soon (another dilemma).....i love love love being a mum and so glad i made the choice to have babies, its funny but when you have children your priorites change and the way you want to spend your free time does too, i always thought id miss the "freedom" of doing what i want when i want but now, if i have the choice i choose to spend time with my daughter than go out.....and we still have holidays and go away a lot, we just take her with us

Good luck with your choice, i think the fact you are thinking about it makes you nearly ready for it, my friend called this time for me the "transistion stage!!!"

Also ive got to say that im very lucky with having a lot of family nearby and this definitely helps, they love spending time with my daughter if i do need some "time off"!!!

Everyone says this, I guess it must be true! I do think that our priorities would change, but I feel like we would never again be able to travel the way we do now (we could probably still do city breaks, or a week with friends in a house in France, but it's the backpacker-style trips in SE Asia that I'd really miss). Hmmm.

cte1111

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

we also thought about it and very rarely do you hear people say they regret having children - people are more likely to say they regret NOT having children.

As a society, people saying that they regret having children is really taboo. So although some of us might well regret the huge and permanent changes to our lives from having children, we are very unlikely to say so.

But TBH I do sometimes regret having had children. It means that you are never again number 1 in anyone's eyes. You always have to think of the children first. In particular, as a mother, it is still very difficult to carry on with your career and be a parent. Whether you stay at home or go back to work, there is endless guilt and compromises. Interesting, fulfilling part time work is hard to find and in many workplaces part time workers are seen as not really committed and unlikely to be considered for promotions.

There are of course many joys from having children, but just because you don't hear people saying they regret having kids, it doesn't mean that that's how everyone really feels.

Curlywurli

We never made the conscious decision to have children as I had always wanted children. I thought I knew what to expect but as soon as my first child was born I didn't know what had hit me. I had always enjoyed being able to go out where and when we wanted and all of a sudden we weren't able to. Our holidays abroad had to stop etc etc and life stopped being about us as adults.
There are times when it's been hard, very hard. My two are now 6 and 4 and we're beginning to be able to do the things we used to do. We've even booked a holiday abroad for next year. I used to ask when it gets easier and people are right, it never does, there's always something but it gets easier to deal with.
I regret not having saved money before the children came along. I wished I'd left the gap between the two a little longer. It took a while to conceive our first and we thought it would be the same again but not that time!
Everyone has an opinion but also everyone handles things differently and may have found it far easier than we did. I think you need to go with your heart. Good luck with your decision.

Metranil_Vavin

i haven't read all the replies but all I'll say is sometimes if you leave it too late, the decision is taken out of your hands.

January20

wanchai wrote: »

Well, yes, my mother will always be my mother and I'm 34 :rotfl: but the constant dependency surely reduces when they reach late teens/leave school?

It's not constant dependency anymore but - as somebody said before - you swap a set of problems for another. You can leave your 16 yo alone but you worry about the trouble they might get themselves into with bullies, bad influence, alcohol, drugs, boyfriends or girlfriends etc..

You can't protect them when they become teenagers and young adults like you used to when they were little. You can't control what they do anymore, who they spend time with.

They don't become 18 and suddenly don't need you anymore. They still need you in different ways, be it financial help or moral support, etc.

I remember people telling me that you always worry about your children, whatever age they are. My own mother used to drive me crazy with worrying about me. Now, I understand.

People don't tell you that but be prepared for your relationship with your husband to change too... which brings me to my next point: How will your husband cope with not being your number priority once you have a child? (don't answer here I don't need to know lol)

I think perhaps my experience is a bit different to that of people in a couple as I raised my dd alone from when she was 7. Our relationship is very close and she only has me to rely on for help so perhaps I'm not the best example.

I know I make it sound all doom and gloom and hard work but I certainly wouldn't change my lot. I love being a mother. I love being a nearly mother to her boyfriend (long story). I love looking after her and the sacrifices, I have made very willingly.

ETA: very honest post cte1111! many of the things you have said in it are so true.

bhatti3000

hi

i read in a magazine once, a story which has stayed with me for many years, the plight of a woman who had married the love of her life, her soul-mate, who very unexpectedly died, she was saying, they wanted children however, throughout their relationship, it had never seem to been the right time for them and now that he was gone.

i can almost cried when i read her story. somehow, it never seem to be the right time but in reality could be.

skattykatty

At 35 you need to decide soon, whilst you still have a choice to make. You don't want to be in a position where that choice is taken away from you by biological time. I am now having to live with that - no children for me and I know we will both always regret that. Good luck.