To have children or not - how do you decide???

January20

neneromanova wrote: »

why not just not use any contraception then? then if something happens it was obviously meant to be, if not then it wasn't

I'm sorry but this is the worst piece of advice you could give to somebody in this situation. This is a decision about bringing another life into the world, not a simple choice that should be left to chance, surely?

I have never regretted having had my daughter. She has enriched my life tremendously and has given it more purpose. However, if you value your freedom then you must know that once you have children you lose most of it, you put them first always, and it is not only for a couple of years as even now that she is nearly 20, my daughter is still a very much a factor in how I live my life and I was only thinking yesterday how I long to be leading a life of my own again where my plans are not scuppered at the last minute by her needs. (My love for her makes it all bearable and of course when that day comes, I will miss her needing me )

Okydoky25

I had the same lifestyle but decided I would regret not having kids and I have never been so right. Yes I miss the spontaneous social life, the spare cash, travel even my job occasionally now I'm a SAHM but kids really do give so much more happiness back. This coming from a woman who didn't have a maternal bone in her body until I got that positive line on a stick!

System

I knew from the days of pushing dollies in toy prams that i wanted to be a Mother.

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

I have the most delightful, entertaining, loving, gorgeous daughter. It's the hardest job I've ever had, but I wouldn't be without her for the world. She hasn't stopped us doing anything at all (except sleep in the first few weeks!!).

this is pretty much how I feel about being a Mum too. It is hard, but I really wouldn't be without her, she has enriched my life in a way I can't explain to anyone who doesn't have children (I don't mean this to sound patronising in any way, I just can't explain it better ).
I had about 15 years on and off of being young free and single, then a couple of years being part of a couple and still doing pretty much whatever we wanted when we wanted. I still travel, go on holiday etc with our daughter, have done since she was months old (she's 11 now). I have pretty much stopped drinking alcohol full stop though, because I can't handle feeling even slightly rough in the mornings, even occasionally, when I have a child to look after. And now she's in secondary school, we're looking at only having holidays away in her school holidays, so they may become fewer as budget allows.

I'll never ever regret having her, and as Amanda and January have said, it doesn't get easier, they will always be your child, no matter how old they get.

wanchai_2

notanewuser wrote: »

I had this dilemma too (OH knew for definite he wanted children) but i enjoyed out childless lifestyle.

Took me years and years and I never did actually decide. At 32 I'd had enough and one night told OH not to bother with the condom. I fell pregnant that week, and now have the most delightful, entertaining, loving, gorgeous daughter. It's the hardest job I've ever had, but I wouldn't be without her for the world. She hasn't stopped us doing anything at all (except sleep in the first few weeks!!).

She was meant to be.

Now I have a new dilemma. Should we have another one and risk having a devil child to go with our angel child?!!! OH says yes, I still don't know!!

Aw! This is quite a typical experience among our friends and acquaintances lol.

jetplane wrote: »

I echo 'cte1111' it may be normal to imagine what it will be like and wonder if you are missing out. It's good that you're thinking that you have a lot to offer and the great outdoors is great fun for kids and I see many people on holidays with babies etc so I can see how you're thinking that none of these things exclude a child. But how much do you enjoy your freedom and social life? And your finances will change after you have a child.

Children enrich our lives but not without sacrifice and I think you both need to be sure. I'm not an advocate of the stop contraception and see what happens unless you are very indecisive people and are truly happy either way. But I have childless friends and I don't think they have missed out.

Thanks jetplane, all good points.

I am aware of the financial commitment of having children. That's why I mentioned that we are in a good position moneywise. We would be able to afford for me to give up work/go part-time for a few years without a problem, and because we are very MSE, we would save in other ways e.g. more time to shop carefully and prepare food, making do and mending etc. All of which I enjoy anyway!

I think that we would still make the effort to have a socal life, albeit less often than at present. OH's mum lives quite close by and is always a willing babysitter for his sister. But travelling - I don't know. I just think that it will never be the same for years, especially with the need to fit in with school holidays etc.

michmush77

Hi, i had the same dilemma, but we were not so well off financially, I was 33 and my hubby 37 when we decided to bite the bullet and "stop" contraception to see what happened, we conceived straight away, i have a daughter that is now 2 and due no2 very soon (another dilemma).....i love love love being a mum and so glad i made the choice to have babies, its funny but when you have children your priorites change and the way you want to spend your free time does too, i always thought id miss the "freedom" of doing what i want when i want but now, if i have the choice i choose to spend time with my daughter than go out.....and we still have holidays and go away a lot, we just take her with us

Good luck with your choice, i think the fact you are thinking about it makes you nearly ready for it, my friend called this time for me the "transistion stage!!!"

Also ive got to say that im very lucky with having a lot of family nearby and this definitely helps, they love spending time with my daughter if i do need some "time off"!!!

masonsmum

Im a mum to a 6 year old and an 18 month old (eldest son from a previous relationship but OH treats him as his own) when we first met eldest was 3 and we had a good life (not saying we have a bad one now lol) but we could go to friends houses for barbeques, drinks, out for dinner and DS1 just plodded along and was no trouble, but we decided to have another baby and he is a terror, my gorgeous beautiful baby but all the same a terror and makes it difficult sometimes to do the things we did before, but I know this is just a phase and it will get easier again.

My mum was only 17 when she had me and we have a fantastic relationship but my aunt, my mums elder sister decided never to have children and deeply deeply regrets it now, she suffers from nervous anxiety and depression and feels this is linked to never having a family, she is alone most of the time and openly admits she is jealous of the relationship my mum and I have. xx

teaandcupcakesplease

Love this thread! as if i didnt know but if i ever have a wobbly point i know i have done the right thing with my decision! cant wait for my scan now...! lol

Spendless

wanchai wrote: »

Not at all tempting (I'd rather make a decision first), but thanks



We've been together for almost 7 years, living together for 4, have travelled loads in that time, and fully intend to continue travelling. If we were 25 and not 35, I wouldn't be thinking about this at all. TBH, it's our age that's the big factor. We don't have years and years to decide.




Hmm, very good point. Maybe I'm just focusing too much on the early years when you seem to have no freedom and they are v. dependent on you. Does it get easier as they get older?

Some things do. Eg I left mine aged 9 and 12 alone whilst I went for bread this morning. I'm about to leave my 12yo and his same age mate for a short while whilst I nip out for an hour (younger one is at sports camp). That's something I couldn't have done a few years back, they'd have both had to come out with me. Other things you swap x problem for y problem eg toilet traing for problems with school bullies.

Tiglath

wanchai wrote: »

Thanks for that perspective. How old are the stepkids and do you and your OH have much involvement with them?

They're both adults now. DH speaks to his daughter every night, and still drives to see her every week when she's not working in theatre. She still lives with her Mum and stepdad (the Mum feeds DH dinner on Fridays for which I kiss her feet in gratitude, and he's unofficial uncle to the rest of her kids). Stepson is living away and doing a Masters - he's always footling around with us on Facebook and phones regularly. They both come to stay whenever they can - last time was in August when I was recovering from surgery and DH had to go back to work, so they pampered me for a week and we sat up for all-night horror film marathons. Very good relationship all round - they always considered that they had 4 parents instead of 2.