To have children or not - how do you decide???

wanchai_2
wanchai_2 Posts: 2,955 Forumite
edited 31 October 2012 at 12:26PM in Marriage, relationships & families
Hi everyone

This is my first thread on this board, although I do read it from time to time, and you are all lovely and give great advice. I'm not just syaing this to butter you up so that you'll respond to my dilemma btw! Honest :D

Sooo… OH and I are recently married and debating whether or not to have children and, if so, when. He's just turned 35 and I will be 35 very shortly. Has anyone else had this dilemma and what made you decide one way or another?

He is happy either way and I know that if I were to get pg he would be delighted. We have a nice lifestyle - we both earn a good salary and have plenty of savings, we rent a nice house within walking distance of the city centre and we have a great social life. We also love to travel and go away a few times a year. So money is not an issue.

I think that we are a bit apprehensive about what children would do to our 'freedom', our social life and most of all, our travel plans. OTOH, I sometimes try to imagine us not having children and that seems very sad. I think that we would have a lot to offer - both financially and in terms of sharing knowledge and curiosity about the world. We are not very materially driven people - sure, we earn decent money but we don't buy a lot of 'stuff'. We are more into having interesting experiences and seeing the world, and we also love the great outdoors.

I am very much undecided. I tend to think about what we would miss out on if we had kids, and am finding it hard to see the positives.

(I am aware that we don't know whether we *can* conceive or not at this stage)

Any replies/musings would be very welcome. :)
7 Feb 2012: 10st7lbs :( 14 Feb: 10st4.5lbs :D 21 Feb: 10st4lbs * 1 March: 10st2.5lbs :j13 March: 10st3lbs (post-holiday) :o 30 March: 10st1.5lbs :D 4 April: 10st0.75lbs * 6 April: 9st13.5 lbs :) 27 April 9st12.5lbs * 16 May 9st12lbs * 11 June 9st11lbs * 15 June 9st9.5lbs * 20 June 9st8.5lbs :D 27 June 9st8lbs * 1 July 9st7lbs * 7 July 9st6.5lbs :D
«13456719

Comments

  • why not just not use any contraception then? then if something happens it was obviously meant to be, if not then it wasn't :)
    What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine..
  • cte1111
    cte1111 Posts: 7,390
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    I'd wait a couple of years and then see how you feel. When you've been married a few years, it might be easier to make the decision to give up your freedom to travel (and time alone together).

    I think if you're not sure, then you're probably not ready.
  • I was in that dilemma until recently. both 37 good lifestyle etc etc. I totally know what you are going through, I have been with my OH for 14 years and its always been a topic where we said "maybe next year" and plenty time , and i dont mind either way" .

    I came to the decision by imagining someone telling me I couldnt have children and taking the "choice" away from me.

    we also thought about it and very rarely do you hear people say they regret having children - people are more likely to say they regret NOT having children.

    Problem is with health reasons time was running out (early menopause etc) anyway I am now 7 1/2 weeks pregnant, scared stiff but happy that i have made the decision. Its a weight of my mind really. no more do i dont i!! :) I hope i have explained myself ok and hope that this helps. xx
  • Tiglath
    Tiglath Posts: 3,816
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    Forumite
    I weighed up the positives and negatives and decided against it. I just could never see myself as a mother, having raised stepchildren and seeing part-time what the disruption and workload was like (although I did and do love my brilliant stepkids very much, it's not something I'd ever do again). I couldn't bear the thought of the day-in day-out grind; maybe that makes me selfish and if so I don't care :) DH didn't mind either way, and we've never regretted it now that the decision is long since final; we're both positively glad now we never had any together and we relish our freedom. If/when the time comes, I'll be a hands-off stepgrandmother. I'd say unless it's something you really really both want to do, don't do it.
    "Save £12k in 2019" #120 - £100,699.57/£100,000
  • kara7758
    kara7758 Posts: 161 Forumite
    I did not have children with my (then) long term partner as we were having too much fun to want responsibilities. We broke up when I hit 40.

    I have never found anyone since that I wanted to be with and find myself at 54 yrs of age childless and regretting it. I am also watching my friends with their grandchildren which makes me feel sad that I will never have any.
  • notanewuser
    notanewuser Posts: 8,499 Forumite
    I had this dilemma too (OH knew for definite he wanted children) but i enjoyed out childless lifestyle.

    Took me years and years and I never did actually decide. At 32 I'd had enough and one night told OH not to bother with the condom. I fell pregnant that week, and now have the most delightful, entertaining, loving, gorgeous daughter. It's the hardest job I've ever had, but I wouldn't be without her for the world. She hasn't stopped us doing anything at all (except sleep in the first few weeks!!).

    She was meant to be.

    Now I have a new dilemma. Should we have another one and risk having a devil child to go with our angel child?!!! OH says yes, I still don't know!!
    Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman
  • jetplane
    jetplane Posts: 1,615
    First Anniversary First Post Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    I echo 'cte1111' it may be normal to imagine what it will be like and wonder if you are missing out. It's good that you're thinking that you have a lot to offer and the great outdoors is great fun for kids and I see many people on holidays with babies etc so I can see how you're thinking that none of these things exclude a child. But how much do you enjoy your freedom and social life? And your finances will change after you have a child.

    Children enrich our lives but not without sacrifice and I think you both need to be sure. I'm not an advocate of the stop contraception and see what happens unless you are very indecisive people and are truly happy either way. But I have childless friends and I don't think they have missed out.
    The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko
  • wanchai_2
    wanchai_2 Posts: 2,955 Forumite
    why not just not use any contraception then? then if something happens it was obviously meant to be, if not then it wasn't :)

    Not at all tempting (I'd rather make a decision first), but thanks :)
    cte1111 wrote: »
    I'd wait a couple of years and then see how you feel. When you've been married a few years, it might be easier to make the decision to give up your freedom to travel (and time alone together).

    I think if you're not sure, then you're probably not ready.

    We've been together for almost 7 years, living together for 4, have travelled loads in that time, and fully intend to continue travelling. If we were 25 and not 35, I wouldn't be thinking about this at all. TBH, it's our age that's the big factor. We don't have years and years to decide. :o

    I was in that dilemma until recently. both 37 good lifestyle etc etc. I totally know what you are going through, I have been with my OH for 14 years and its always been a topic where we said "maybe next year" and plenty time , and i dont mind either way" .

    I came to the decision by imagining someone telling me I couldnt have children and taking the "choice" away from me.

    we also thought about it and very rarely do you hear people say they regret having children - people are more likely to say they regret NOT having children.

    Problem is with health reasons time was running out (early menopause etc) anyway I am now 7 1/2 weeks pregnant, scared stiff but happy that i have made the decision. Its a weight of my mind really. no more do i dont i!! :) I hope i have explained myself ok and hope that this helps. xx

    Hmm, very good point. Maybe I'm just focusing too much on the early years when you seem to have no freedom and they are v. dependent on you. Does it get easier as they get older?
    7 Feb 2012: 10st7lbs :( 14 Feb: 10st4.5lbs :D 21 Feb: 10st4lbs * 1 March: 10st2.5lbs :j13 March: 10st3lbs (post-holiday) :o 30 March: 10st1.5lbs :D 4 April: 10st0.75lbs * 6 April: 9st13.5 lbs :) 27 April 9st12.5lbs * 16 May 9st12lbs * 11 June 9st11lbs * 15 June 9st9.5lbs * 20 June 9st8.5lbs :D 27 June 9st8lbs * 1 July 9st7lbs * 7 July 9st6.5lbs :D
  • wanchai_2
    wanchai_2 Posts: 2,955 Forumite
    Tiglath wrote: »
    I weighed up the positives and negatives and decided against it. I just could never see myself as a mother, having raised stepchildren and seeing part-time what the disruption and workload was like (although I did and do love my brilliant stepkids very much, it's not something I'd ever do again). I couldn't bear the thought of the day-in day-out grind; maybe that makes me selfish and if so I don't care :) DH didn't mind either way, and we've never regretted it now that the decision is long since final; we're both positively glad now we never had any together and we relish our freedom. If/when the time comes, I'll be a hands-off stepgrandmother. I'd say unless it's something you really really both want to do, don't do it.

    Thanks for that perspective. How old are the stepkids and do you and your OH have much involvement with them?
    kara7758 wrote: »
    I did not have children with my (then) long term partner as we were having too much fun to want responsibilities. We broke up when I hit 40.

    I have never found anyone since that I wanted to be with and find myself at 54 yrs of age childless and regretting it. I am also watching my friends with their grandchildren which makes me feel sad that I will never have any.

    Thanks for telling me that. Massive hugs to you, I really mean it xxxx
    7 Feb 2012: 10st7lbs :( 14 Feb: 10st4.5lbs :D 21 Feb: 10st4lbs * 1 March: 10st2.5lbs :j13 March: 10st3lbs (post-holiday) :o 30 March: 10st1.5lbs :D 4 April: 10st0.75lbs * 6 April: 9st13.5 lbs :) 27 April 9st12.5lbs * 16 May 9st12lbs * 11 June 9st11lbs * 15 June 9st9.5lbs * 20 June 9st8.5lbs :D 27 June 9st8lbs * 1 July 9st7lbs * 7 July 9st6.5lbs :D
  • Amanda65
    Amanda65 Posts: 2,076
    Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Post
    Forumite
    edited 31 October 2012 at 12:23PM
    It was never a decision for either OH or myself - we both knew we wanted children and started quite young (I was 24, he was 29 and we had been married a year) and here we are 22 years later with a 21yo, 19 yo and 16 yo. As much as I loved my husband, had he not wanted children I wouldn't have stayed with him as he wouldn't have been the man for me - simples :)

    You have focussed on loss of freedom etc and I am not for one minute going to pretend that it has all been plain sailing with us gathered on a large feather bed every nightime, children scrubbed and sleepy and me reading from a large story book but there have been so many positives, which far outweigh another night at the pub and every single yucky bit has been repaid in wonderful bits 100 times over.

    You say you like travelling and exploring - children are very portable if you set out with the right frame of mind and imagine doing all that you do and seeing it again through the awe and wonder of a child's eyes.

    As a final note, my SIL never wanted children, agreed to have one when she was 38 (for my brother really), took her 18 months to fall and she is absolutely besotted by my nephew. Her one regret? That they didn't start sooner and three years down the line of no contraception it looks as though he is destined to be an 'only'.
    wanchai wrote: »
    . Does it get easier as they get older?

    Absolutely not - anyone with older children will tell you that parenting a teenager is the hardest job in the world :rotfl::rotfl: (still wouldn't have missed it for anything though)
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.2K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.8K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.3K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.4K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 606.7K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.7K Life & Family
  • 247.2K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards