To have children or not - how do you decide???

travelgran

If you want a perspective on travelling with children try 'Kids to go' on the lonely planet forum on Thorntree.

Hermia

cte1111 wrote: »

As a society, people saying that they regret having children is really taboo. So although some of us might well regret the huge and permanent changes to our lives from having children, we are very unlikely to say so.

That is so true. I have never wanted children and I know women who have opened up to me about their regrets re: having children. They love their kids, but would have made a different decision if they could have gone back in time. I know they would NEVER have discussed their feelings with someone who had or wanted children. When I was at university once of my modules dealt with maternal instincts and I remember some of the mature students talking about their mixed feelings about having kids and admitting that this was the only environment that felt safe enough for them to talk about these things.

OP - I think you just need to list all the pros and cons and imagine how you are going to deal with each one. There are people who travel the world with their kids (the kids always seem to have an amazing time) so it's possibly. It just requires work and courage (in that a lot of people will no doubt try and deter you). Thinking seriously about how you would feel if you never had kids is a good idea. I had some gynecological problems in my 20s and the consultant warned me that I could be infertile. I thought about it for a moment and realised I didn't care at all. That was when I was sure I never wanted children.

heartbreak_star

Another one from the point of view that I never, ever want a child. Me and OH are each other's priority, we like our lives the way they are, and find even the concept of pregnancy vomit-inducing. Bleagh.

I hear a lot of people, like the poster above, saying they don't regret having their children...but would have left it a bit longer before having them/would have done things differently/etc. I broke up with 2 long-term partners because they wanted children - 1 changed his mind over 11 years.

OP, I hope you can come to a decision - remember to make it for YOU and nobody else (well, you and OH, lol)

Good luck!

HBS x

wanchai_2

Thanks for all the thought-provoking replies so far. Am currently on my phone so can't reply individually atm but you have all been very helpful. I will bookmark the thread and read through it again later. Feel free to add to what has been said xxx

IHateDida

neneromanova wrote: »

why not just not use any contraception then? then if something happens it was obviously meant to be, if not then it wasn't

Haha! Thats what we did - and 3 weeks later I ended up on the less than 12 weeks pregnancy forum!

I am late 30s (OH 40) - and until the summer, we had always planned not to have kids - we liked our lives, decent salaries, and were (are?) irritated by others kids etc... But then something happened - a family illnesss made us rethink - and at our relatively late child-bearing ages, we decided to try and see what happened.

Obviously it was the shock of our lives when we discovered I am now expecting.......but we are starting to come to tems with it - we are glad we didn't have kids earlier - now we are both financially stable, have had the time of our lives on holidays etc.... so are now ready to start the next chapter of our lives. Thankfully we didn't leave it too late although we weren't expecting it to happen as quickly as it did!!!!

If you think about it too much, you will never do it. But don't just stop taking the contraception thinking it will give you at least 6 months to decide (we originally thought it would take a year at least!)......we found otherwise!!!!:rotfl:

Fire_Fox

There is a Child Free By Choice thread somewhere if you want a different perspective, plenty of us choose not to have children and do not regret it! I haven't regretted the decision I made over twenty years ago, neither does my seventy something child free aunt, and my mother admits if she had the benefit of hindsight she would not have had children. My mother loves us dearly and is very supportive, but did not enjoy much of motherhood feeling that she really was not a natural, despite being a primary teacher beforehand. Whilst parents rarely admit to regretting it many whinge and moan constantly, it's not PC to admit you regret it is it?

Bamama

I skimmed a few posts but I'd just like to add my bit.

Noone is going to be able to give a reason to or not to have children. As you've said you are finanicially stable and a lifestyle that can adapt to having kids. So really, the only people who can give you an answer... are yourself and your OH.

If you decide to go for it then I'd say... Go away somewhere where you've not been/always wanted to go and start putting a little money away incase you find that your age becomes a factor in having No 2/3/4.

Sorry if the last bit sounds mean or anything... but as you said you'd want more than one and I'd hate for you to be in the position of some of the TTC women. And heck... if you manage to get the family you want without problems... you have a nice little nest egg for adventurous family holidays

Millie2008_2

OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but this bit jumped out at me

I sometimes try to imagine us not having children and that seems very sad

as it pretty much sums out how I felt, despite my ambivalence. I'm now almost 6 months pregnant (eek) and really thrilled that I took the leap and soooo excited about being a mum

jetplane

You seem to be looking at how your children would fit in as opposed to how they will restrict you which is a good sign. I have colleagues who have taken their kids and babies on trips as far afield as New Zealand and South Africa and both parents and children have took it in their stride because the parents were experienced travellers. You will still be able to have city breaks and time for yourselves.

I agree that your children always need you, the reasons and the demands may change but they are a lifetime commitment, but yes you do get more of your own time back as they get older. I never planned a family and never felt that I would miss out. I had my daughter a little younger than you, unplanned, so I will never know how different my life would have been.

However I am typing this with one hand as I am cuddling my brand new grandson in my arms, my daughter was told she was infertile almost 3 years ago, so he is a little miracle. So twice now a child has come into my life unexpectedly and changed the course of my life and stolen my heart. So now I'm gonna spend the rest of my days worrying about this little fella as well as his mother.

Don't over analyse it because nothing can prepare you for how overwhelmed you feel by the responsibility of it all when it happens, or the exhaustion. And if you decide to stay child free don't have regrets because you will have made the right decision, for you as a couple, at that time.

Bluemeanie_2

cte1111 wrote: »

As a society, people saying that they regret having children is really taboo. So although some of us might well regret the huge and permanent changes to our lives from having children, we are very unlikely to say so.

But TBH I do sometimes regret having had children. It means that you are never again number 1 in anyone's eyes. You always have to think of the children first. In particular, as a mother, it is still very difficult to carry on with your career and be a parent. Whether you stay at home or go back to work, there is endless guilt and compromises. Interesting, fulfilling part time work is hard to find and in many workplaces part time workers are seen as not really committed and unlikely to be considered for promotions.

There are of course many joys from having children, but just because you don't hear people saying they regret having kids, it doesn't mean that that's how everyone really feels.

This is very true, there was an article in a magazine recently, talking to Mother's anonymously.
All admitted if they lived their life again the wouldn't have had kids. I know quite a few women who have admitted this to me as well, in confidence. They would never admit it a public audience as it is so taboo. I think society in a way pressures you that it is the normal/done thing so not many people stop and truly think if they want kids or not.
Course some people always know it's for them.