To have children or not - how do you decide???

catkins

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

we also thought about it and very rarely do you hear people say they regret having children - people are more likely to say they regret NOT having children.

I totally disagree with this and think it is the other way round.

Me and OH are childfree by choice as are quite a few of our friends and relatives and none of us have ever said we regret that decision. Despite being told countless times that we would regret it we are both now almost 60 and have been married over 30 years and both agree that it was definitely the right decision. Neither of us have ever regretted that decision.

On the other hand, loads of people I have met over the years - at work, socialising etc (I have lived in quite a few different parts of the country and abroad so have met loads of people) have said given the chance to go back in time and knowing what they know now they would choose not to have children. I think that is quite sad.

cte1111 wrote: »

As a society, people saying that they regret having children is really taboo. So although some of us might well regret the huge and permanent changes to our lives from having children, we are very unlikely to say so.

But TBH I do sometimes regret having had children. It means that you are never again number 1 in anyone's eyes. You always have to think of the children first. In particular, as a mother, it is still very difficult to carry on with your career and be a parent. Whether you stay at home or go back to work, there is endless guilt and compromises. Interesting, fulfilling part time work is hard to find and in many workplaces part time workers are seen as not really committed and unlikely to be considered for promotions.

There are of course many joys from having children, but just because you don't hear people saying they regret having kids, it doesn't mean that that's how everyone really feels.

I agree that it is a taboo subject and I think parents are much more likely to tell a childfree person that they would not have children given a choice. They may tell a very good friend who is a parent but a parent is much more likely to be shocked or whatever.


I have always loved children, particularly babies. I always said before I met OH that I would have children, preferably quite a few. I met OH when I was 26 and he was 23 and we discussed at great length about having children. He also loves children but he had a pretty awful childhood and was worried he would not be a good dad.

Anyway after lots of discussion we both decided that we would not have children for a variety of reasons. I was the main wage earner and we would not have afforded for me to give up work. No way would I have wanted to work with young children. Also we both felt and still do that the planet is overpopulated and we did not want to add to that. We also both feel the world is not a very nice place in general and, again, did not want to bring a child(ren) into it. Another big reason was that we both felt we had a really good relationship and didn't want that to change. One of our friend's grandmothers said if we wanted our marriage to stay happy not to have children! We were surprised at the time but over the years have seen so many friends and family separate, get divorced (often more than once) and the majority said problems started when they had a baby. Quite a few said if they had not had children they thought their marriage would have lasted. Of course that may not be the case but it's interesting that they think that.

We are very happy after all these years and very much in love. Of course we might have been even with children but I think the odds of having a happy loving marriage are higher if you do not have children.

notanewuser

red_devil wrote: »

the thought of having a child today scares me cos the kind of world we live in and the pressure that parents are under to get the latest gadget and gismo etc. Nothing is simple anymore.

I dont know why, but i feel this is the hardest time to bring up children does anyone agree. Also the world is such an aggressive hostile place and discipline and respect has gone out the window.

It's just a different world, isn't it? Used to be diseases that got you, now it's drive by shootings.

No, in all seriousness I don't believe the world is any less safe than it ever has been. I don't believe there's a pedo on every corner, or that kids should be kept in for fear of bring snatched.

GFN123

Hermia wrote: »

That is so true. I have never wanted children and I know women who have opened up to me about their regrets re: having children. They love their kids, but would have made a different decision if they could have gone back in time. I know they would NEVER have discussed their feelings with someone who had or wanted children. When I was at university once of my modules dealt with maternal instincts and I remember some of the mature students talking about their mixed feelings about having kids and admitting that this was the only environment that felt safe enough for them to talk about these things.

OP - I think you just need to list all the pros and cons and imagine how you are going to deal with each one. There are people who travel the world with their kids (the kids always seem to have an amazing time) so it's possibly. It just requires work and courage (in that a lot of people will no doubt try and deter you). Thinking seriously about how you would feel if you never had kids is a good idea. I had some gynecological problems in my 20s and the consultant warned me that I could be infertile. I thought about it for a moment and realised I didn't care at all. That was when I was sure I never wanted children.

This is spot on my experience too, and that of my other childfree by choice friends. I was actually quite surprised by the number of parents who expressed varying regrets and 'if onlys'.

As always, Fire Fox has also summed up very well the 'CFBC' side of things, and mentioned the long running thread with lots of very interesting tales.

Most of all, the final part of Hermia's post resonates with me and is perhaps useful for the OP to think about. If if I was told I was infertile, I'd be very pleased. I've never wanted children and don't really love being on the pill long term (including the terrifying thought it may one day not work). I'd love to have that choice simply removed and never to have to think about it.

I'm considered too young at 33 to be sterilised, and it's a fairly hefty operation to go through as a woman.

But if the thought of being sat down and told you are completely infertile gives you a gut feeling of horror/sadness/regret etc, then chances are you should look at your options for having children and ask the very sensible questions the OP has done in terms of how you would manage, what it would truly mean, would your relationship genuinely thrive etc. You can never know for certain, but I applaud the OP for being conscientious enough to question and examine the issues raised.

Life is always sacrifice and compromises. You can stay childless and potentially miss out on the stated 'joy' and rewards having kids is meant to bring. Or you could have kids and for many many reasons miss out on the opportunities and wonderful experiences that absolute freedom brings. There's no right answer. just what is right and most important for each person

fawd1

And don't forget that the joy of having children (and actually it is a joy, most of the time) is normally simply replacing other joys, travelling, experiencing new things, freedom. The one thing I would say is that normally, without being a parent, you will never love someone so much that you would do literally anything for them, regardless of how they treat you.

Whoever you have as a child, regardless of difficult moments will, to you, be the absolutely most fantastic, lovable and wonderful human being the earth has ever produced. Which is good, because you won't be able to go anywhere without them for at least 10 years. Including to the toilet. But by god you'll love them.

VestanPance

red_devil wrote: »

the thought of having a child today scares me cos the kind of world we live in and the pressure that parents are under to get the latest gadget and gismo etc. Nothing is simple anymore.

I dont know why, but i feel this is the hardest time to bring up children does anyone agree. Also the world is such an aggressive hostile place and discipline and respect has gone out the window.

“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”

Socrates (469 BC - 399 BC) Greek Philosopher

milliebear00001

fawd1 wrote: »

And don't forget that the joy of having children (and actually it is a joy, most of the time) is normally simply replacing other joys, travelling, experiencing new things, freedom. The one thing I would say is that normally, without being a parent, you will never love someone so much that you would do literally anything for them, regardless of how they treat you.

Whoever you have as a child, regardless of difficult moments will, to you, be the absolutely most fantastic, lovable and wonderful human being the earth has ever produced. Which is good, because you won't be able to go anywhere without them for at least 10 years. Including to the toilet. But by god you'll love them.

The bit I've highlighted in red is interesting because it seems to be the reason many people are citing as their main reason for choosing to remain childfree. As somebody who once relished the travelling, the lie ins, the lazy Sundays, the devoted 'twosome', the freedom to do whatever we wanted, when we wanted that goes with being childfree; I can honestly say that the benefits to me of having my children just makes all of those things pale into insignificance. I just don't miss the lifestyle I had before at all. I much prefer the life I have now, albeit it is a completely different one in every way - it is infinitely preferable to me.

I guess you just don't know though, until you've done both. I am lucky that I expected having a baby to be difficult and terrifying, and full of 'sacrifice', but actually found this not to be the case at all. All the things I expected to miss, simply became unimportant and other things became much more of a priority to me. I am fundamentally not the same person I was ten years ago - and in many ways I am now much nicer and much happier.

fawd1

milliebear00001 wrote: »

I guess you just don't know though, until you've done both. I am lucky that I expected having a baby to be difficult and terrifying, and full of 'sacrifice', but actually found this not to be the case at all. All the things I expected to miss, simply became unimportant and other things became much more of a priority to me. I am fundamentally not the same person I was ten years ago - and in many ways I am now much nicer and much happier.

The thing is though, I do find it full of sacrifice. 99% of the time they are sacrifices I am more than willing to make. The one thing that drives me nuts, and probably because, as I've said other times, I really enjoy my own company, is the complete and total loss of time to myself. I used to adore reading a book in silence with a glass of wine, or going out for a long walk with my ipod. Not anymore. That is the only thing that I am really really looking forward to getting back when they are older. The ability to just be by myself.

milliebear00001

fawd1 wrote: »

The thing is though, I do find it full of sacrifice. 99% of the time they are sacrifices I am more than willing to make. The one thing that drives me nuts, and probably because, as I've said other times, I really enjoy my own company, is the complete and total loss of time to myself. I used to adore reading a book in silence with a glass of wine, or going out for a long walk with my ipod. Not anymore. That is the only thing that I am really really looking forward to getting back when they are older. The ability to just be by myself.

Oh I totally accept that this wil be the case for many people - but my experience was different and that surprised me. I also enjoyed the wine and books and time alone. I still do and now that my children are older, I am enjoying rediscovering some of those things, but in actuality, I only couldn't do that stuff for a few years anyway, and got a huge amount of pleasure from doing other stuff during those days. Mine are now 8 and 5, and my life (if I wanted it to be) could easily be very similar to the life I had before. I just don't really want it to be!

miss_independent

I've not read the whole thread but going by the OP...of course, you WILL lose some of your freedom, its inevitable and as others have said it is a sacrifice. I've always known I want children so for me its a no brainer and its actually to the point that if I ever fell in love with a man who didn't see children in his future (by choice not biological reasons), it would be a deal breaker for me. That being said, I don't think anyone should have children if they are unsure/on the fence/feel they should because its the "done" thing. I know someone who the whole time she was pregnant freaked out that she wouldn't love her child, the child was born and she resented it, 18 months later she liked the child but still resented it, 5 years later her daughter is her best friend but its a very unhealthy situation and they don't want another. Her partner resents the child and believes "children ruin lives". I know several people who didn't have children and hugely regret it. Others who desperately wanted children but were physically unable to and who were devastated in their 20's and 30's but in their 40's and 50's have an amazing lifestyle financially and fantastic relationships with their neices and nephews - they are delighted with how their lives turned out. Its horses for courses!

I'd like to point out, my parents didn't want any more children when I arrived and I was an accident, so much so my siblings are the best part of two decades older than me. I was the only child in the house and am the closest to my parents. I slotted in to their lifestyles. I travelled with them, ate adult food in proper restaurants, went to the theatre with them etc. I was brought up to respect the house/furniture etc, sit quietly at the table, tidy up after myself, amuse myself quietly and so on. They never had to get a babysitter for me, one drank alcohol and the other didn't and they just took me everywhere and I behaved myself. There was a big difference between what was happening in our house compared to my friends houses where their parents had actively decided to start a family of several children and whose lives revolved around the kids. Even financially, there wasn't as big an impact as my parents only had the one child to pay for. So you might consider having an only child who you could travel with/do outdoor pursuits etc.

Good Luck with your decision!

wanchai_2

Thanks again, all of you. Just want you to know that I am reading all the responses and taking everything on board. It's such a huge decision, isn't it.

Maybe I will browse the board as someone suggested, and read all the 'problem kids' threads to scare myself! I'll definitely check out the CFBC thread too. Wonder if there's an 'I have kids but I sometimes wish that I hadn't' thread too...!