To have children or not - how do you decide???

Gillyx

I'm almost sure I've seen you post on the N.I board, come and borrow mine for a few hours if you like, he'l either charm you or have you running for the hills!

wanchai_2

Thanks Gillyx ha ha!!! So, would you recommend it?

PoorCharleyBear

its strange- the thing which made me realise just how much I love my little one (apart from when she says 'mummy I love you so much I want to live with you always) is the fact I do not flinch to remove bogeys.
Anyone else asked me to- i would run for the hills.

Gillyx

I replied to this last night just as the forum went down so must not have saved.

Yes, I'd wholeheartedly recommend it. My son wasn't planned but I had always known I wanted children. He truly is the light of my life and makes me smile every day. Don't get me wrong, there are days where nothing goes right and I'm stressed, but the good definitely outweighs the bad for me.

It has changed my relationship, it is early days for us though, and we're just getting over the sleep deprivation. When you're both tired, it does cause arguments in my experience, but if you truly want to be together you can work through it, it's all about communication. Things do change, but not in a bad way, it's just different, rather than doing things on a whim, they have to be planned, albeit loosely. Rather than doing things as a couple, you do them as a family, it doesn't make them any less special, in fact I think more so as you're giving experiences to someone, and helping shape the person they will become. Yes there are times when I mourn slightly for my old life, but I'd never chose to go back to it.

All that being said, you can definitely have a fulfilling life without children too, but if it's something you think you'd regret, I'd say go for it

isitenough

Question is: do you actually like children AND want them. Forget the restrictions on lifestyle. Do you see yourself being a parent someday?
For us, there was no big plan, we said we'd start trying and that's that. It happened. (luckily).
You could always go travelling when the kids are old enough to look after themselves. Or take the kids with you.

burnoutbabe

I think most chidlfree by choice people wouldn't regret it. You may have a passing "I wonder what may have been" thoughts but thats about it.

The ones who regret it were the ones who wanted them at the time and were not able to have them (ie no partner or infertile).

I've also known I've never wanted them or been fussed about having one. I assume if i got given one i'd make the best of it and enjoy it but thats as people tend to love their offspring and protect them.

Not having kids does sometimes mean you think "well in 20 years time things won't be much different to now, bar we'll be older" but thats just a product of middle aged naval gazing. the parents don't have the time to think such things!

I can't imagine having to draw up pros and cons. You either want one or you are not fussed/don't.

midnightraven3

i was in your shoes OP
i was younger, but wasnt very maternal
after long debates we decided to go for it

its a bit like a bungee jump
you prepare as much as you think you possibly can
but ultimately you take a giant leap of faith
sure you bob about at times, but it works out ok in the end

yes your life is different
VERY different
but its an adventure of a lifetime
children dont stop you travelling, the world is very different through a childs eyes, you see and do things you never thought of

would i recommend it? most definitely
we liked it so much, we did it again, and again

now all three at uni
(am i really that old??? )
we are still very close, and very involved

you asked does it get easier as they get older?
again, its just different
and more expensive!

wanchai_2

burnoutbabe - good point about those who want kids but don't have a partner at the time. You've reminded me of a friend of mine who's 35 and not in a relationship, I know for a fact that she has always wanted kids and I do worry for her that she won't meet the right man 'in time' so to speak.

I guess that's far worse than being in my dilemma. At least we have the luxury of choosing whether or not to try to conceive...

red_devil

meer53 wrote: »

Parents might be under pressure, but they can always say no. It;s something i say all the time to mine. I occasionally say yes too ! For me, bringing up my kids is a pleasure, respect only goes out the window if you let it.

saying no is hard when other parents dont say no.

There is so much pressure on parents now to provide all the latest technical gadgets its unreal. Do you want your little Jimmy to be the odd one out?

I once read having a mobile phone is a rite of passage??

catkins

burnoutbabe wrote: »

I can't imagine having to draw up pros and cons. You either want one or you are not fussed/don't.

I don't think it is quite that simple nor should be. It's all very well saying I want a child but what if you are not in a loving relationship? What if you have no money or live in a damp rat infested flat? I know women who have had children in all those circumstances but I do not think it is right to have a baby no matter what your circumstances are - that is just selfish.

As I said in my post, I always thought I wanted children but when me and OH got together we did sit and talk through the pros and cons which is what I think you should do. I can't understand couples who just have a child because that is the done thing to do or just because they wanted one regardless of their lifestyle or what they could offer a child.

Having a child is one of, if not the biggest, decision you will ever make. You are bringing a new life into this world and you should be thinking about that new life and what you, as the parent, can give to that child. If more people weighed up the pros and cons we would not have so many unwanted or abused children