To have children or not - how do you decide???

SuzieSue

poet123 wrote: »

Really? What about your own parents? You genuinely haven't come across any couples who are in a happy family unit? I find that very sad and very surprising.

It's funny, I remember as a child envying other families because I thought I was the only person to have parents who didn't get on, but as I got older and spoke to friends about their parents, I can honestly say that I didn't find anyone whose parents were truely happy.

Perhaps it's just my generation (I'm in my mid-forties) and perhaps things have changed, I hope so.

catkins

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

Why would having a child 'spoil' a relationship? What happens if one of you gets sick and can't devote the same amount of energy and commitment to the other? What if you had to have one of your parents come and live with you as they needed care? Would that spoil what you have together? If the relationship can't stand up to external influences testing it then you haven't got a healthy one at all - it sounds completely suffocating to me.

Having a baby can, and very often does, put a strain on a relationship that is a well known fact. Most of my friends that are divorced or separated say their problems started when they had a baby and a lot of them say that they honestly think if they had not had children their relationship would not have broken down.

Of course you can be happy as a couple with children and I know quite a few happy couples with children - althoughI know far more happy couples without children. I think though it is easier to have a happy relationship without children.

Gloomendoom wrote: »

We don't have children by choice but I am surprised by some of the reasons given by others for not having children. In particular, "The world is not a very nice place" and "I've never met any happy couples with children."

I suppose it depends on your outlook on life. In my opinion, the world isn't perfect but it could be a whole lot worse. It certainly has been in the past.

As for there being no happy couples with children, that is just plain nonsense!.

One of mine and OH's reasons was that we don't think the world is a very nice place. There is so much violence and I know if we had had a child we would have worried about drugs, alcohol etc. Also this country (and the planet) are overpopulated. We are already struggling in this country with not enough jobs, housing etc and I can't see it getting any better. Both myself and OH say we are glad we did not bring a child into the world because we would worry so much for their future. We both worry how our neices and nephews will ever afford to buy or event rent a property - a couple of the ones who have a job only earn minimum wage and cannot see even renting somewhere as a possibility anytime in the near future. One has only managed to get a part time job and one cannot find work at all.

SuzieSue

catkins wrote: »

One of mine and OH's reasons was that we don't think the world is a very nice place. There is so much violence and I know if we had had a child we would have worried about drugs, alcohol etc. Also this country (and the planet) are overpopulated. We are already struggling in this country with not enough jobs, housing etc and I can't see it getting any better. Both myself and OH say we are glad we did not bring a child into the world because we would worry so much for their future. We both worry how our neices and nephews will ever afford to buy or event rent a property - a couple of the ones who have a job only earn minimum wage and cannot see even renting somewhere as a possibility anytime in the near future. One has only managed to get a part time job and one cannot find work at all.

I agree completely, things have changed so much from the 70s when I was growing up. There is so much pressure on parents and children nowadays to do well at school and people have to move house just to get their children in to a decent school or get tutors for their children. And even then there is no guarantee that they will get a job at the end of it.

Fire_Fox

mrsg26 wrote: »

My daughter is 5 now and has been travelling with us since she was 5 months. We've been to Florida, Texas, Australia, France, holland, Italy Spain more times than I can remember and now we are considering Thailand. Children don't stop you travelling. You just have to factor them in to your plans. I loved my holidays before I had my daughter but I love them even more now that she is with us. The things we get to experience as a family whilst we are abroad is incredible and I know my daughter is very fortunate to have been to all these fab places. Don't let travelling with children put you off having kids if that's your only reason.

Depends what sort of travelling one enjoys and the temperament of one's children. In general we had a great childhood but we HATED many of the family holidays with a passion, didn't appreciate at all the huge number of countries and historical sites I have seen. Just because parents see travelling as some wonderful opportunity or incredible experience doesn't necessarily mean it enriches the child's life. At five you are creating memories for yourself, not for your daughter.

FBaby

The problem with this kind of decision is you are unlikely to ever know how you would feel until it is too late to do something about it!!!

When I was first pregnant with my daughter I had nightmares after nightmares that I would regret the decision to have her and resent her for it. I was really worried I wouldn't cope because I'd grown to be a very self-centered person who needed a lot of me-time. Indeed, It's been hard bringing her up as well as her brother, they were both very difficult babies, colic, demanding, needing constant attention etc..., but they are the best thing that ever happened to me and I embraced motherhood wholeheartedly. The idea that I could have hold off being a mum through too much thinking about it/worrying that I wouldn't cope fills me with dread.

Saying that, as said in my previous post, I really do think that the circumstances are very different now (13 years later) and I wouldn't embrace it the same this time around. I have a lot more to lose now than I did then. The thing is, I could be very wrong. It could be that I give birth to a model baby that would make the whole experience so much easier. Maybe I would have more support, maybe years experience would make me more mellow, choices easier to make. I will never know and that's why we decided to leave the decision to nature and go with it. As nature has decided that my partner and I wouldn't have a child together, instead of focussing on what I might be losing, I am focusing on what I am gaining, and reminding myself that there would have been no garantee that I would have given birth to the perfect baby it is so easy to assume we would have.

marisco_2

SuzieSue wrote: »

I really don't understand why anyone who is truely happy in a relationship would even think about having children. My close friends who have had children are the ones who weren't totally happy with their partners.

Your last sentence intrigues me. I have known friends who weren't truly happy in their relationships, think that by having a baby it would bing them closer to their partner. As if a baby is some kind of magic super glue to a fragile relationship. In nearly every case the exact opposite happened and the pressure and responsibility of being parents drove people even further apart.

SuzieSue

marisco wrote: »

Your last sentence intrigues me. I have known friends who weren't truly happy in their relationships, think that by having a baby it would bing them closer to their partner. As if a baby is some kind of magic super glue to a fragile relationship. In nearly every case the exact opposite happened and the pressure and responsibility of being parents drove people even further apart.

Yes, I think it happens a lot more than people will admit (even to themselves).

In the extreme, I remember reading that Jerry Hall used to get pregnant when she thougth Mick Jagger was playing around because she thought it would help her to keep him.

Counting_Pennies_2

You have probably got more than enough information at the moment, but just to add my part.

Having children is exceptionally rewarding there are some absolutely amazing moments. There can also be an equal amount of lows.

You can be very fortunate and have a healthy happy baby, and the family unit remains that way.

I think you would need to look at the next twenty years and check that the decision fits both of you for that amount of time at least.

It is very possible to keep your social life running, although if you have friends without children, you might end up altering the circle a little bit.

It is also possible to travel and have fun. You will just need to factor the little extras in.

We travelled round the world when my son was 8 months old, it was amazing. We have also been on sailing holidays, UK holidays, and beach trips abroad.

What you will need to factor in is that you won't find it as easy to sit back read a book and have hours of time to yourself if that is what you do at the moment.

There might be moments you feel your sanity is being stretched, and indeed your relationship. I often find the end of the first year after baby arriving focuses an awful lot on the cracks in a relationship and it takes a lot of work to get through for many people. Our of 6 in my NCT group all but one felt their relationship went through a crisis at this point. We all managed to hold on and get through.

You will be taking on a being that has a huge amount of needs and is incredibly selfish for all the right reasons, and the needs and demands will grow and change over time.

I have had my sanity stretched and have had postnatal depression. I have also dealt with the children a lot on my own with my husband working long hours, and unable or unwilling to embrace as much time that is needed with children.

I have had moments of wondering what on earth I have done. But I would not send them back, I love them more than I thought would be possible, and they are on my mind all the time, even when I am on a very occasional weekend away from them.

I guess I am saying that it is a huge decision and you are right to question it and to weigh up whether it is a right thing to do.

It will change your lives enormously, and it would be good if you could be sure that it is something your relationship can cope with.

You don't realise quite how selfish you are until a baby comes along and you need to devote yourself to their every need.

It is fulfilling and you will have some lovely moments

Only you will know if it is right for you.

Having children is not the only path to take in life, there are others, and you need to work out which is yours.

valk_scot

wanchai wrote: »

Does it get easier as they get older?

It gets different but I wouldn't say it gets easier! They get more self sufficient, they can feed themselves and wipe their own bums but you get a whole lot of other things to worry about instead like exams and sex and alcohol. But if you start as you mean to go on re the travel and including them in your own interests as much as possible they'll fit in far more than you might belive. You can't really take a two year old rock climbing, you can a twelve year old.

Mad-Frog

OP

I was in your shoes but a bit different as my OH had the snip, when I was 33 we split for a while and when we got back together I was adamant I wanted a child

I then introduced him to travelling and I mean proper travelling as in China, Cambodia, Thailand
for two weeks he loved it and we have been on some adventures since

I am now 40 and know kids are not for me OH was willing to do IVF but now he is approaching 50 he is no longer

Don't get me wrong I have lovely little nieces and nephews without them I might have had one but now I am too old

Please bear in mind that Aisa and so many places would not be possible because of the malaria risk but then again there are lots of places you can go