To have children or not - how do you decide???

VestanPance

SuzieSue wrote: »

but I also love my partner as much, if not more, than you do but I just don't feel the need to create another person.

This is the bit that jumped out at me. It seemed very strange to insert a who loves their partner the most debate in there.

I think the original comment on starting a family with a partner they loved was to counter a claim by another forumite who stated they only know people who don't love their partners have kids. There was no insinuation in the reply that if you loved your partner there was a requirement for children.

I would hope we are all grown up enough to know that some people are happy child free, while others would never be truly happy without having their own family.

Hermia

VestanPance wrote: »

I must admit in my 20's I had exactly those thoughts. In fact there was a time when I would have been very much in the I never want kids camp. The thought of no travelling and not just being able to do/buy what I want to do seemed like a life of hell.

For me it was some life events that completely changed my opinion on things and what I saw as important in life and what was just filler. I then started to view material things and thing like travelling that I'd always craved and lived for as unimportant. Sure they were nice, but I no longer placed any great importance on them.

For me the trigger to that was the passing of my parents. Both of whom suffered long illness before passing away. Those events really made me question what really mattered in life.

I had exactly the opposite experience. Losing both my parents has made me even less inclined to settle into a domestic life. I want to get out there and tackle my bucket list! I suppose major life events just make you realise what you want even more. I have never had an urge to have a child, but now I cannot see anything about having a kid that would appeal to me at all.

I genuinely don't understand why wanting to spend your life travelling or just doing your own thing is seen as greedy or selfish or shallow. As long as you aren't expecting society to fund you then why does it matter how you spend your life. It's not like we are short of people in the UK.

poet123

Horses for courses. There is no correct answer, all we can hope for is that we make the correct choices for us, or perhaps that we are lucky enough to be able to have the choice.

I have four children but with a large age gap between the eldest and youngest, so in many way it was like starting again, but I wouldn't say any of them really curtailed our lives. We adapted to fit the situation at that time and postponed rather than cancelled anything which could not be done with kids in tow. There is very little really that cannot be done after having children if you are organised and plan ahead. Clearly, it is not for everyone and no one should apologise for making the choice which suits them.

wanchai_2

Still reading, thanks for all the replies so far. I'm very moved by some of your stories xxx

zaksmum

I was not remotely maternal when I accidentally became pregnant with my first son over 40 years ago.

But the moment I set eyes on him I fell in love with him, as I did with my daughter a few years later.

Now I'm a very happy nan of three beautiful boys and every day I count my blessings and thank God that I became a mother, and I'm so fortunate to have been blessed with these lovely little grandsons.

ChestnutUK

I never thought I'd be saying this but my husband and I started our TTC adventure a month ago after I initiated it. I used to think babies are the ultimate parasites (sorry don't mean to offend anyone) and I could not see myself wanting to give up my life to take care of another being for the rest of my life. My husband's 5yo son from a previous marriage didn't help as he is quite challenging (typical 5yo). I love my little niece and nephew very very much but I also thought the best kids are someone else's. My attitude changed very abruptly and I cannot put this in writing - but it was like something just changed and suddenly having a baby is not as frightening or horrible as I once thought. I feel my husband has been a wonderful father to his son and I wanted him to be able to have this experience with our child, and I wanted to share the experience with him.
Ultimately it is a personal choice, and it is your body and your life. There will never be a perfect time to have kids, but I think if we do have children, anything we have to face we'll just face it together.
Sorry if it's not much help, but I wish you the best.

garybarlowsbeard

I've not read many posts but we're in a similar position, though a couple of years younger. I suppose there is no way to make your mind up and at some stage you just have to take the plunge!

Lirin

I'd made an earlier post. I wasn't maternal in the slightest! Definitely at home in the 'Hold 'em for the obligatory 15 mins' brigade with newborns. Then we talked about it, and decided we would try. The one flaw in our plan was we had based it on thinking it would likely be months- the average in both families was about 6-9 months trying. Not with us- I was looking at maternity clothes a month later!

BUT- Still with other people's children, I find them hard at times. Not at the little baby stage, not even at toddler- more when they are older. I guess it's maybe I haven't much experience with that age group.....

There's so much to reason out, but being perfectly honest, if you both decide you would like a child, the rest matters not a jot. It all kind of falls into place, along with a decent phone with a multi-alarm setting- I have alarms to feed various animals, the baby, to tell me to get ready for something- my memory is shot to pieces. It's hectic, DH and I have argued more than once, and I haven't had a lovely hot coffee in so, so long.... But I wouldn't swap any of that. It's weird. If DH woke me up six times during the night by shouting, then grinned at me, I'd probably kill him anyway. With baby- it all just melts inside....

There are days when it is a hinderance, honestly. Like trying to find someone to babysit, because a heavymetal gig is no real place for a 10 month old. Or turning to see her chewing the sole most important piece of paperwork I'd unwisely set down just a second ago, which is now indecipherable.

There's good and bad for both children and remaining childless. Like I say, give me a PM and I'll happily meet up as you're a local (and an adult, babytalk is all well and fine, but doesn't really do a lot for your sanity....). They are a massive change, and to a degree you can think it out and reason. But it's also so easy to overthink... There's such a balance!

DevilsAdvocate1

wanchai wrote: »

Aw! This is quite a typical experience among our friends and acquaintances lol.




Thanks jetplane, all good points.

I am aware of the financial commitment of having children. That's why I mentioned that we are in a good position moneywise. We would be able to afford for me to give up work/go part-time for a few years without a problem, and because we are very MSE, we would save in other ways e.g. more time to shop carefully and prepare food, making do and mending etc. All of which I enjoy anyway!

I think that we would still make the effort to have a socal life, albeit less often than at present. OH's mum lives quite close by and is always a willing babysitter for his sister. But travelling - I don't know. I just think that it will never be the same for years, especially with the need to fit in with school holidays etc.

You still have a social life when you have children, its just a different social life and involves the children too. I've never made as many friends as I did in those first few years after the children were born. My children are 14, 12 and 7 and I'm still in touch with loads of people who I met through the children.

I'm another who doesn't drink as much now. But if I'm honest, its because drink makes me a horrible person and not because I've had children :rotfl:

wanchai_2

Just been through and thanked all the posts that I hadn't before, my thanks button has been playing up!

It is so different for everyone, isn't it. I am really interested to read the huge range of views here. OH and I are going to have to make a decision one way or another and probably soon. If we're going to do it, we probably need to be trying within the next year realistically. That is a scary thought. Why can't we be 24 again... :eek: